Oh, Margaret, you don't know
what it does to me being near you all day in surgery,
only able to touch you through rubber gloves.
Hi.
We were just going
over tomorrow's duty roster.
The one on my desk?
He means yesterday's
duty roster tomorrow.
Nevermind.
I've got something serious to discuss.
Sir?
Well, what is it? I ...
Captain Hildebrand showed up
today from headquarters in Seoul.
He's a psychiatrist, and he's here on Clayton's orders.
Now, it is my guess that someone in this unit
has been rat finking to the general on the sly.
It wasn't me!
Anyway, it's my duty to.
There's nothing wrong
with reporting the unmilitary posture
of your command, colonel.
Just let me remind you
Mrs. McArthur, that if this unit gets split up,
it just might happen that we all get split up.
Which means that you and Dr. Burns
here will have to stop practicing medicine together.
And whatever else it is you've been practicing.
What are you doing?
[inaudible 00:01:07].
Can't a guy have a wash and set
without somebody biting him on the neck?
Biting who?
I was biting you!
No you weren't,
you were biting me!
Klinger,
what are you doing in here?
Just borrowing
a little of your shampoo, major.
It's wartime, we all got to help each other.
No, we don't!
You get out of here, you pervert!
Pervert? Who bit who, major?
Out! Out!
I've had enough
of his shenanigans. I'm going to talk to Henry.
I want that freak out of this outfit and out of the U.S. Army!
Oh, Frank, you're so exciting
when you get all riled up and decisive.
I am?
Frank, would you like
to bite the real thing?
I demand this wedding
be stopped immediately!
Oh, shut up, major.
Did you hear that?
I certainly did.
Are you going to let him talk to you that way?
Finally, you're
going to command this outfit!
Everything's happening so fast.
Discipline,
adherence to regulations, a taut ship.
I love tautness. To command is your destiny.
Ah, oh, I can feel the power surging through your veins.
Am I really surging?
Oh, Frank,
you'll be magnificent.
I just wish
I'd taken ROTC in school.
I wasted so much time in the stamp club.
I thought you were president.
Well, that wasn't leadership.
They needed someone to lick the stamps
and I had the biggest tongue.
Frank,
do you doubt your ability?
Eh.
Do you want to see how sure
I am of your ability?
Well, all great men
have their doubts. They say going up San Juan Hill,
Teddy Roosevelt was worried sick about breaking his glasses.
Look, darling.
I've been saving it for you.
Well, I haven't been
promoted yet, Margaret.
Out goes Major Burns,
in comes Colonel Burns.
Margaret?
Yes?
I think I'm surging.
During Colonel Blake's absence,
I will act in his capacity. So, if there are any problems,
you may bring them to me or to our fine
[inaudible] here, Major Houlihan.
And talking to the major is the same as talking to me,
since we are intimate with each other at all times.
You're being replaced, sir.
What?
This is outrageous! It's completely unfair!
Oh no, major,
this is not an unusual occurrence at all.
I mean, this is the way the Army is run.
After all, we are all merely cogs
in a giant military medical machine.
Each cog occasionally has to lose a tooth
on the gear of life. Now, if you'll all excuse me,
let's prepare for the change of command.
Frank, you took that so well.
I'm very proud of you.
[Spanish 00:03:59].
It was a blow below the belt.
Well, we've both
had our share of those.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair!
[inaudible 00:04:11]!
I know, darling. There, there.
I already wrote mommy.
Aw, your mother will understand.
I mean my wife.
Buzz off!
You'll all be sorry
when I'm gone! You'll see!