Any relationship with a narcissist is gonna cause a severe strain in your mental health.
That problem compounds when you manage to end the relationship with one... and then
a few weeks or months later, you make the same mistake with another man.
Just to be clear, the dynamic of recurring dependency on a narcissist can be with a man
or a woman, but since most narcissists are men and the vast majority of my audence are
women, then I'm going to talk in terms of male narcissism.
But it can work both ways.
What you will learn in the next few minutes is
- Understand how they use your guilt to trap you
- Why it's so easy to enter a vicious cycle with them and
- The most important thing that you can do to break the cycle
Welcome back, my Body Language Buddies! my name is Jesús Enrique Rosas, I'm the Body
Language Guy, and it would be great if you join us... by just liking this video, subscribing
and hitting that bell.
Let's get down to it!
First, we have to understand how they use your guilt to trap you
Narcissists are everywhere.
There is no gesture, or trait or demeanor that can tell you that someone is a narcissist.
The only thing that's sure is that they are going to be really charming at first.
But at the same time that they are charming and almost perfect, they are going to show
you some supposed vulnerabilities about themselves.
Like they're struggling in their industry, or they have family problems, or they have
issues at their job, anything.
Nothing out of the ordinary, yet.
But just a few dates later, you begin to notice certain patterns.
When you say that you want to do something that YOU like to do, they'll show the issue
card.
I had an awful day, my family is not cooperating, I have diarrhea every thursday night, anything.
But when it comes to do things that they like, they will have no problem and will not mention
any problems whatsoever.
What confuses you about this phase of the relationship is that when you agree to do
what they want, they are charming, you feel loved, you really have a good time; but without
knowing it, there's a subconcious programming going on.
You begin to identify your suggestions on what to do as problematic, and his suggestions
as the right, the good thing to do.
And this is positively reinforced because he makes you feel really good every time you
agree to do what he wants.
If you ever make a claim about what you want, they will show the issues card again, play
the victim, and say: you're so selfish... they're going to make you feel guilt.
And you will immediately doubt yourself because yes, you like hanging out with him, and what
you want... well, you don't want it so much after all.
It is absolutely important that you understand that the first time this happens you will
not see it coming.
No matter how much you've read about narcissists, no matter how prepared you think you are,
you're gonna fall for it.
And one of the reasons is that women are biologically hardwired into nurturing and healing people.
So if you meet a man that is charming but at the same time is 'supposendly' hurt or
broken by the system, your healing instinct will kick in and switch off your rational
mind.
So that's how you fall in your first toxic relationship with a narcissist.
Getting out of it is not easy and will leave you deeply hurt.
But again, how come you're going to make the same mistake twice?
And that brings us to number two: the vicious cycle
After this first episode that could have lasted weeks or even months, you will be left emotionally
crippled and might not want to see anyone in a while.
That's absolutely OK.
You need time to heal, you need space, you need to clear out your mind.
Now, what usually happens is that in this state, let's say that two men approach you,
Alfred and Brad.
Alfred is not a narcissist, but Brad is, but we already know that you have no way of knowing
that.
Alfred asks you out, and since you feel like you are not ready yet, you decline the offer.
You make any excuse not to go out, maybe he insists two weeks later, you decline again,
and that's it.
No problem.
You make your own rules.
But Brad, being a narcissist, will ask you out.
You will decline too, but in this case he will feel a spark of excitement.
When you say no, that's like a challenge for a narcissist.
That's the game they want to play.
If they can get you to say yes, they will feel really good about it... not because they
like you, but more because they made you say yes.
And where Alfred just called it quits after two attempts, Brad is going to really push
on.
And Brad is going to try to figure out all the possible ways he could surprise you in
a positive way.
Again, it's because he sees you as a challenge.
As a game.
And he needs to win that game because that's the narcissistic gasoline he needs, to make
up for his low self steem.
So you go out with Brad, you find out that he's an amazing man, he makes you feel wonderful,
and you get to know about his story of struggle and stuff.
You didn't see it coming but you just entered the cycle again.
Weeks or months later (let's hope it's not years) this relationship ends and you end
up in an even worse emotional place than before.
And I say worse because it's not just feeling your emotions destroyed by a manipulator;
but you begin to think that there is something wrong with you.
After all, you've just attracted two jerks in a row.
You begin to form this idea in your mind that somehow, there's something broken inside you
that attracts these kind of people.
Now, just to be sure, my best suggestion is that you take a good and honest look at the
relationship of your parents.
How is that dynamic.
Is it healthy? is it toxic?
Are one of them a narcissist? or both?
By the way, tt also helps looking at their body language, and, if you're interested,
you can download my 100+ Body Language tips right in the description of this video.
This is important because you have to discard any possibility that you may have issues about
your view on relationships.
And our family is always a template we use as a reference to experience the world.
Even so, you could have parents with a healthy relationship and still fall prey to a narcissist.
And most of the times, no, there's nothing wrong with you.
And that brings us to number 3: how to break that toxic cycle
You remember Alfred from a few months ago?
well, guess what?
he's messaging you again.
He wants to ask you out, you're thinking about it... but all of a sudden and out of nowhere,
you stumble upon Fernando, and Fernando is... the perfect man.
Like, Mexican soap opera perfect
But this time, something happens.
Your natural alarms go off and you begin to have doubts... but not about Fernando, with
his long and wavy hair, but about yourself.
Yes.
This is absolutely bonkers, but women that were victims of narcissists, even several
times, will develop this feeling that somehow, it was their fault.
After all, women have a sixth sense, intuition, so how come you did not see it coming?
By this point, you don't know who Fernando really is.
He is charming, has his flaws, has problems like everyone else... but the answer is not
in Fernando or in any man, for that matter.
The answer lies in your own boundaries.
And for that, you must switch on your rational side and common sense.
And this is easier for some women than others.
If you feel that you have any trouble trying to understand your relationship dynamic, then
journaling is your best bet.
I've mentioned it many times but journaling is both free and one of the best self therapies,
especially when you can see how your relationship evolves, how you feel in those interactions,
if there is a balance between what you want and what he wants, etcetera.
It makes so much easier to have a record of how the relationship develops over time.
Most women do not do this, because they feel it makes the relationship look like a business
or that you are bookeeping your romantic interactions.
But what you're really tracking are your emotions.
Emotions that any narcissist will begin to neutralize right away and you will not notice
if this happens over weeks or months.
You will just lose track of that.
Remember that a narcissist will use gaslighting tactics to make you feel bad about yourself,
to make you doubt your judgement and ultimately neutralize your emotions so he can take over.
Checking out your past entries in your journal will help you maintain a perspective on your
own emotions and be able to make timely decisions if you have to call it quits when it's going
south.
Regarding Fernando, your journal has helped you keep track of your emotions and the evolution
of the relationship.
In this case you have the feeling that this is a healthy relationship based on respect.
It is not completely devoid of conflict, no relationship is, but most important, your
journaling helps you keep things in perspective.
Ah! we forgot about Alfred.
Well, he was a serial killer.
He was caught and was sentenced for life.
Nothing to see here.
Move along.
I've got more videos that you can check now to keep improving your body language skills
to detect hidden intentions.
And don't forget to like, subscribe and hit that bell if you don't want to miss any of
my body language analysis and tips.
Take care, my Body Language Buddies!