- What is the oldest succubus you've ever been with,
sexually?
(drink bubbling)
(upbeat music)
Oh, hi.
My name's Glamdora, and today we're gonna learn
how to be a good friend.
And I want to just say thank you to all the viewers
that have liked, and subscribed, and sent in fan art.
Except for this (bleep), what the (bleep) is this?
It's beautiful, but it's not accurate.
Anyway, you've all taught me something about friendship,
and how it's the greatest gift, and if you have
true friends, then you don't need fame, or money.
No, wait, that wasn't you guys that taught me that.
That's what Crypt TV writes on my checks.
Anyway, this weeks episode is, how to be a good friend.
(folk music)
♪ Make new friends, and kill the old ones ♪
That's not how that goes.
I need to learn to be a better friend.
Anyways, here's some things a good friend
should never ask you to do.
Pick them up from the airport.
Hello, Uber, Lyft, you have options.
Help them move.
Oh my god, hire movers.
Pay people to do things for you.
Help them hide a body.
Just eat it.
And save me a bite. A loin please.
Call them on the phone.
I either want a fully nude FaceTime,
or just text me, asshole.
And last, but not least, you should never beg a friend
to subscribe to your channel on YouTube.
Please like and subscribe, and comment below.
And now, we're gonna learn how to be a better friend,
with the help of my new friend, I hope, Bryce Hall.
Today, you lucky ducks, my guest, and my new best friend
in the whole, wide world, please welcome
Bryce Dallas Howard.
Bryce Hall.
- Cut.
- How's it going Bryce?
- Amazing, thank you for having me.
- Happy Birthday.
- Thank you, I appreciate that.
- Do you feel different from before?
- Still feel 14.
- Whoa.
- But I'm of age.
- Okay, good.
May I touch your knee?
- Yeah, sure.
- Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
- It's all good.
(cat squeals)
- Do you know how old I am?
- How old are you?
- Guess.
- Above 18
- That's right.
69 years old.
What is the oldest succubus you've ever been with, sexually?
(drink bubbles)
- My mom's probably gonna watch this video.
- So?
- Probably, like, 30.
- You've been with a 30 year old succubus?
- Yeah.
- How was it?
- Good.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, because they know what's up at that point.
- You don't really mean to eat me, do you ma'am?
- Oh, indeed I do. (laughs)
- You're an influencer.
- Yeah.
- What sort of things do you influence?
- I would actually hope my viewers don't do the stuff I do,
I do crazy stuff.
I love when I'm, like, squeezing white stuff in my face.
- What kind of crazy stuff?
- Well, if you've watched my videos.
I feel, like, really violated.
- I have not watched your videos.
- Yeah, well--
- You're my new best friend, so I will.
- Okay, thank you.
- I just wanted to beat you, then.
Stop it.
- Sorry.
- I will literally (bleep) your soul out.
You are so lucky, because we actually,
normally do this portion in my bedroom,
but it's covered in blood, so they're cleaning
it up right now.
I still menstruate at 69, if you can believe it.
Tell me, what is your craziest video that you've ever done.
- I've done some pretty crazy stuff.
My skydives.
- You jumped out of a mother (bleep) plane?
- Yeah.
15,000 feet in the air.
- See, when I skydive, my vision is so good,
because I'm demonic, that I can see
little woodland creatures.
- We need to hunt them down, and kill them.
- And eat their flesh.
- I can't.
- That sucks for you.
How did you get into the biz?
- Are you familiar with the don't judge challenge>
- No.
- It's where you get really ugly, and then cut the camera,
and then you'll be good looking.
That's how I got a following.
- Nice. So what kind of numbers are we talking?
- I think, over a hundred thousand.
- Dang!
- That's how it started.
And then I made some videos with some friends,
that went pretty viral.
- Today's episode is about friendship.
- We're best friends.
- Who's your best friend?
Oh yeah, we're best friends, yeah.
Ready to do all the kinds of things that best friends do.
- What do they do?
- Cover up each other's murders.
And snuggle.
I mean, what kinds of things do you like to do
with your friends, I'm flexible.
I'm just spit balling.
- Party.
- What do you do when you party?
You're only 19, so don't incriminate yourself.
- We're going streaking, yeah.
(crowd gasps)
- I don't do anything.
- Yeah, right.
He told me that he was hungover when he got here,
this morning, and I was too.
We're gonna get deeper into our very special friendship.
We're playing a game of would you rather?
Have you ever played that before?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Are we actually doing?
- Yeah, we're gonna do it.
I'm just making sure you're ready.
Would you rather only speak in Suicide Squad movie quotes,
for an entire month.
- Not me, shorty.
I'm beautiful.
- Or let a cat drink an entire gallon of rancid milk
out of your mouth.
- I'm gonna let the cat drink milk out of my mouth.
- Oh my God.
That is (bleep) nasty, I love it.
Okay, would you rather snort lines of actual shit,
or watch actual shit, aka the first year of Crypt videos?
(screams)
- Watch actual shit.
I don't think I would ever put shit.
- In your nose?
- That's really gross.
- I will try anything eight times.
It's an incredible rush.
Would you rather let RiceGum vomit
an entire spaghetti dinner into your mouth,
or suck the blood out of roadkill, through it's face holes.
- Jesus.
Who makes these?
- I have a really nasty intern, and he's angry
at me right now.
- Probably gonna have to suck the blood.
- That's actually a delicacy on this other planet
I went to once.
And I can't tell you the name of it.
Slovmetron.
Would you rather let a fan explain the entire history
of Dr. Who to you, in a hot porta potty.
(upbeat music)
Or watch 8 hours of Jake Paul videos,
with a room full of tweens.
- Why are we in a porta potty?
- Again, my intern made these questions,
but you have to pick.
- Probably the porta potty thing.
- Dr. Who is a very long series,
there have been many Dr. Who's, you realize that right?
This is, like, end of the concert porta potty.
- Yeah, I'd rather do that, than have a whole bunch
of little kids.
- So you really hate Jake Paul?
Oh, you hate tweens.
- It's just that I hate tweens reacting to Jake Paul.
- Seems like it's your big fan base.
- No, I hate.
- You don't hate tweens?
- No.
- You love tweens, and you're obsessed with tweens?
- Yeah, but just not the ones that'll freak out
when they're watching jake Paul videos.
- Well, you lost.
- I lost what?
- You lost this game.
There was a point system, that we weren't explaining to you,
and you signed to be here.
Somebody get my whip.
And now it's time for an all together different segment,
called just the tip.
Do you know what that's referencing?
- I have an idea.
- A ball point pen.
Today we're talking about special friendships.
Here are a few things, you might be surprised
to discover, are best friends.
Elon Musk, and jacking off in front of a mirror,
American Psycho style.
Right? He does that?
Mike Pence, and his wife.
They actually get along really well.
Lena Dunham, and apologizing.
But everyone attacks her so hard, and she's a young woman,
and she's in a hard industry.
I don't know, give her a break.
But also, Lena Dunham, calm down.
Logan Paul, and the suicide forest.
Mad chemistry.
Hillary Clinton, and pant suits.
What the (bleep) do you want her to wear,
she's a presidential candidate.
Your parents, and leaving four minute voicemails,
then text you to tell you that they left you a voicemail,
then when you call, you find out that the reason
for the call, and text, is because they can't figure out
how to get their email to work.
But the only person they email is you, so this whole thing
was totally useless.
Oh, that was just the tip.
I hope that was helpful, new best friend, Bryce.
This is all so genuine, and you're definitely not
getting paid to be here, and I'm not reading anything
off of a teleprompter, right now.
Segways are hard.
New game.
Scary tale, or fairy tale.
If you think horror movies are terrifying,
you should check out the children's movies of the 90's.
How old were you in the 90's?
- I was born in 1999.
- Wow.
♪ I want it that way ♪
- Well, let me give you a little history
about movies of the 90's, alright, if you're not familiar.
I was in my prime in the 90's, it was a great time.
Anyway, they had everything, okay.
Murder.
(dinosaur roars)
Torture.
The Olsen twins.
You know the Olsen twins?
♪ P I Z Z A ♪
♪ Gimme pizza ♪
So I'm gonna give you a short story,
and you're gonna tell me if it's a Crypt TV short,
or a child's movie from the 90's.
- This is gonna be off.
- Let's try to have some fun.
Make a latitude adjustment, okay?
Children are subjected to an insidious experiment,
causing their bodies to transform, and forcing them
to fight a poisonous scorpion.
- I'm gonna guess that's a Crypt story.
- False.
It's Honey, I shrunk the kids.
Ever heard of Rick Moranis?
- No.
- You've never heard of Rick Moranis?
- You will perish in flames.
- Wow, okay.
A young boy screams, and cries, as he watches
his beloved horse slowly drown.
Atreyu.
- I'm gonna guess 90's movie.
- Yeah, I kind of gave that one away.
- Yeah, you did.
- But you don't know which 90's movie it was.
The Neverending Story, and you should really check it out.
- Artax!
- You don't know anything.
Okay, moving on.
A woman spews out endless amounts of water,
as a child watches her die.
- Crypt.
- (bleep) yeah.
You did get that one.
It's a short called Terra.
Your next one, alright?
A group of criminals try and put a child's hand
into a running blender.
- If that's a 90's show, that's messed up.
- Well it is messed up, and it's called the Goonies.
And it's literally crazy that you've never seen that.
- Hit puree.
- No! I want to play the violin.
- You have a lot of homework to do.
And if you don't do it, punished.
A pair of thieves threaten to bite off a kids fingers,
but is saved when a creepy old man
beats them in the face with a shovel.
I'm gonna repeat this one, I know you know this one.
We're gonna get it together.
- I think I know this one too.
90's.
- Yeah.
- And it was, when the parents leave.
- When your parents leave you, you are?
- Home Alone.
Bam. See, look, I know some stuff.
- See, look, he knows some stuff.
That is so cute.
And the next one is, we watch a creature's skin
bubble up with blisters, then melt off the bone
like he just looked at the Arc of the Covenant.
- Crypt.
- No, Gremlins.
You didn't do that great, but you did well enough
to earn yourself a plug.
- I can plug both of us.
- Damn.
Say that one more time.
- Well, basically, I'm doing this huge project with Crypt.
I play a little nerd, in a little show
called Troubled Youth.
- I gave you a gift.
And yet you still let sheep, like Sarah,
refer to you as a nobody.
That's not what wolves do.
- Let's do our secret handshake.
- I'm not doing that.
- Why not?
- It's kind of weird.
- This is weird?
You don't body roll?
Go.
Just body roll.
Alright guys, are you ready to find out what's glam,
and what's guhhh.
Skinny eyebrows, glam.
I like eyebrows anyway they come.
Snapchat filters.
Guhhh.
We get it, everyone looks cute as a puppy.
Child beauty pageants.
Okay, technically these are glam, however they are
very problematic.
White people with dreadlocks.
This one is glam, but also problematic.
I would avoid.
Scientology.
(laughs)
Guhhh.
I mean, I love to party with those guys,
but I think it's bad.
Self-checkout lanes.
Guhhh.
Flip flops.
Glam.
No question, you've got to have some flops, alright.
Cargo shorts, glam.
Fun fact, about three quarters of people
on a set wear cargo shorts.
My man.
Well, my darlings, since this video started
I've gotten many a DM telling me what a great friend I am.
Thank you so much.
I've also gotten a slew of unsolicited dick picks.
From Bryce, because he's a very, very good friend.
Anyway, thanks for watching.
Please don't click the like button, or hit subscribe,
or ring the bell for notifications, actually.
Because I kind of want this to be friends only.
So, don't (bleep) that up.
Bye.
God, I loved that video.
Did you love that video?
If you did, click subscribe below, right here on Crypt TV.