The Middle East.
It's like the New York Knicks.
You know? It's got major problems,
and it'll probably be generations
before they're fixed.
And over the weekend,
tensions flared up once again in the region
when Saudi Arabia's oil facilities were attacked
by missiles.
And the U.S. and Saudi Arabia are pointing the finger at Iran,
which means shit's about to go down.
Crisis and uncertainty across the Mideast this morning.
The U.S. and Saudi Arabia facing
a big military decision.
TV REPORTER: U.S. Intelligence indicating
cruise missiles that hit Saudi Arabia
were fired from Iran.
TV REPORTER: Overnight, Iran issuing a new warning
to the United States, even as Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
travelled to the region to confront the crisis.
Yeah, that's right. Mike Pompeo, Secretary of State
and satisfied Home Depot customer
is flying to the Middle East
to confront the crisis head-on.
I actually feel bad for secretaries of state
because, you realize, they only get sent to shitty situations.
Yeah. It's always them jumping on a 16-hour flight
to go prevent a war or genocide,
or, like, pretend to like Kim Jong-un.
You know, just be like "Hey, Kim.
"I love that outfit. Who made it?
Oh, a-a slave. Very nice."
And it's not even like they have to go to these places in person.
Right? Like, what is Pompeo doing
in the Middle East right now that he can't do on the phone?
Right? Is he just on the border of Iran like,
"You want a piece of this, Iran?
"Huh? You want this, Iran?
"Bring it! Bring-- Oh, shit, they're bringing it.
They're bringing it!"
But despite there being no casualties,
this is still a big deal.
These facilities are responsible
for five percent of the world's oil production.
And that's probably why Donald Trump is going through
all of his options on how to respond.
NEWSMAN: The Pentagon is cautioning
against striking Iran but has given President Trump
a list of possible targets there.
You certainly could strike Revolutionary Guard Corps sites.
You could you hit bases.
NEWSWOMAN: Other options, a U.S. cyberattack against Iran
or targeting Iranian ships.
NEWSMAN 2: On Monday, military leaders presented him
with a list of possible actions against Iran,
but people briefed on the meeting
say that the president asked for more,
that he was looking for a more narrow response
that would not draw the U.S.
into a broader conflict with Iran.
You know, if there's one thing I appreciate about Donald Trump,
it's that despite raving like a madman on Twitter,
he's actually quite reluctant when it comes to actual war.
Which, when you think about it, is everyone on Twitter, yeah.
Online, they'll be like, "Screw you, Gronkowski!"
But then if he shows up, he'd be like, "What did you say?"
"Oh, I was talking about a different Gronkowski.
My friend Michael Gronkowski."
But Trump is always quick to remind America's enemies
that just because he doesn't want to fight
doesn't mean that America can't fight.
NEWSWOMAN: Late Sunday, President Trump said
the U.S. believes it knows the culprit
behind this weekend's drone attack
on Saudi Arabia's oil facilities
and is locked and loaded.
Uh, the United States is more prepared
than any country in the history of-of...
in any history if we have to go that way.
In any history.
Any history.
Is Trump talking about parallel universes?
No, like, what if we think he's crazy,
but the truth is that his brain can access alternate realities?
Like, it would explain why everything he says
is always just slightly off.
Like, maybe in a parallel universe,
Hurricane Dorian did hit Alabama.
Yeah. Maybe there, "covfefe" is a real word.
And Frederick Douglass is still alive.
I mean, it's either that or he's a dumb-ass,
but we'll never know.
The point is it's still not clear
whether America will go to war with Iran,
which is probably confusing for a lot of people,
because why is protecting Saudi Arabia
America's problem to begin with?
Well, apparently, it's because Saudi Arabia and America
have forged a deep bond over their shared values,
by which I mean cold, hard cash.
There was an attack on Saudi Arabia.
And, uh, there wasn't an attack on us,
but we would certainly help them.
They've been a great ally.
They spend $400 billion in our country
over the last number of years.
And they're not ones that--
unlike some countries where they want terms.
They want terms and conditions.
No. No, Saudi Arabia pays cash.
The Saudis, uh, are going to have
a lot of, uh, involvement in this
if we decide to do something.
They'll be very much involved, and that includes payment.
O-Okay, so, is Trump saying
America should go to war with Saudi Arabia
because they buy their stuff in cash?
That would be the worst motivational speech
before war ever.
Just like, "Why do we fight?
"Not for our wives.
"Not for our children.
No, because they pay cash!"
(screams)
"Sometimes Venmo, which we also accept."
(screams)
So, this is a new day for America.
From being a country that used to fight only for its values
to Don King over here saying, "If the price is right,
America gonna fight!"
And if that's the case,
you realize those army ads you see on TV--
they have to change them to be a lot different.
Are you a country that wants to go to war,
but you don't want to use your own weapons?
Do you have cash?
Well, the American military is open for business.
Under President Trump's new policy,
America's armed forces are up for rent.
We got tanks. We got planes. We got those guns that go...
(imitating gunfire)
And if you order our deluxe package,
we'll even send you the guys that got bin Laden.
What a deal.
If you got the money, America's military will fight...
whoever you want.
France? Sure!
Your country's civil war? Hell, yeah!
America itself?
See you later, my house.
Don't spend your blood and treasure on pointless war.
Spend ours.
Supplies are limited, so call today.
Michael Kosta, everybody.