Let's start with the big political news.
Facebook and Instagram are ending the two-year ban they
imposed on Donald Trump after January 6,
and allowing the former President back on their sites.
I mean, letting Trump back on Facebook is crazy.
You're just asking for trouble.
It's like letting Hannibal Lecter baby-sit
your most delicious child.
But Facebook is putting him back online anyway,
because they say that quote, "The public
should be able to hear what their politicians are saying."
And to that, let me say, quote, "Phooey!"
Look, we all know Facebook is losing a ton of money
and they want that Trump attention back.
They need a hit.
Trump is their White Lotus.
Right?
I mean, he's the Jennifer Coolidge of the internet.
Yeah, I'm fun.
[applause]
Look, but I think maybe for the first week,
they should just allow him to only post cat photos.
You know, let's see how it goes.
If you see a bunch of cats storming the Capitol,
although adorable, shut it down.
All right, moving on to some tech news.
You ever play that game where you ask,
what if you could have dinner with anyone in history?
Personally, for me, it would be Jesus,
because my mother is watching.
Well, the good news is, AI is making this fantasy happen.
The bad news is, there's one name on the invite list that
probably shouldn't be there.
Meantime today, the new AI app
intended to create interest in history
is instead causing controversy.
Historical Figures Chat was created by an Amazon
software engineer.
It allows users to select historical figures
and have a conversation with an AI pretending to be them.
People have been chatting with figures like Jesus, Babe
Ruth, and now, Adolf Hitler.
Activists worry Hitler's addition will attract
and encourage neo-Nazis.
Why would anyone make an AI Hitler?
That's the last thing we need.
And we already have an app where you can hear
Hitler's uncensored views.
It's called Twitter.
[applause]
And look, parents are already worried about what
their kids are doing online.
Now they'll be knocking on their kid's bedroom door
like, Jeremy, you better not be in there talking to Hitler!
All right, let's move on.
Because if you've ever been to a museum,
you might have thought that the biggest problem is pretending
you know what Baroque is.
$30 for a ticket?
My Baroque ass can't pay that.
[applause]
But it turns out there's even a bigger problem that's
finally being addressed.
The word mummy is being canceled.
Museums are choosing to go with different terms,
largely because of the pop culture
view, which tends to portray mummies as monsters.
So CNN says more museums are choosing
to go with the term, mummified person,
to restore the person's humanity.
Wait a minute.
Let's be clear right off the bat.
Mummies aren't monsters.
It's only a monster when it gets the [bleep] up!
Just a mummy.
Monster.
But yes, they want us to be respectful.
The correct usage is mummified persons.
As in, why the hell do half our senators
look like mummified persons?
[applause]
If you ask me, the museums are making a big mistake here.
Having a monster in the museum is the only thing
that gets kids in the door.
You think kids are coming to see them old ass bowls?
No!
They're coming to see a mummy!
And finally, Missouri is the latest
state to consider a law banning critical race
theory in schools.
But that's not all.
This law also offers teachers $3,000 to take a course
in how to teach patriotism.
Man, if I was a teacher, I'd be pissed.
$3,000 for a patriotism course?
I knew this whole time y'all had money for school supplies.
I been, you got me out here giving
students pens that I ripped off the chain at the bank.
For more on this patriotism course,
let's turn to Roy Wood
Jr. [applause]
[cheering]
Roy.
No, you don't, you don't mess up my count.
Hang on a second.
OK, all right, I got my count straight.
What's going on? - OK.
I just wanted to know, what do you know
about this patriotism course?
You know, what can I tell you about this patriotism course?
I can tell you a lot about the patriotism
course, because I took it.
You took the course?
But it's for teachers.
Why would you take it?
For $3,000!
Shit!
Took the course 20 times.
Look at all this damn money.
I took the course as Roy Wood Jr.,
and then I went back as Roy Wood Sr.
and went back as Michael Jordan, Michael B. Jordan,
all you got to do with these white people, man,
just tell them you one Black dude,
and then they believe you.
I'm going back next week as Frederick Douglass.
What's wrong with you?
$3,000.
OK, well, did you learn anything?
Yeah.
I mean, honestly, I came out with a real appreciation
for the founding fathers.
Founding fathers, like Ben Franklin.
Founding fathers like Andrew Jackson.
OK, no, no, Roy, I mean--
I got a Jackson in here.
OK, look, what did the course teach you?
It can't be that good if it's run by a bunch
of Missouri Republicans.
I mean, actually, I learned a lot.
First thing I learned, I learned
that Missouri is one of the most
important states in our Union.
Did you know, without Missouri, Iowa would fall into Arkansas?
And it would just be chaos.
Just a big hole in the middle of the country.
It's structurally important.
Look, all Republican history is very interesting.
It's very interesting.
It's a very interesting course.
I learned that Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by Hillary
Clinton, and, and, hold on, this is, I learned this,
this is in the book.
Now I also learned Harriet Tubman.
You know Harriet Tubman?
It's really a white man.
You can't run from the truth.
Roy!
Come on, man.
I'm just telling you what I learned.
Harriet Tubman was really a white man.
It sounds like you learned a bunch of nonsense.
Look, look, it wasn't all nonsense.
I tell you one thing I really learned.
We really do need to keep pushing for CRT,
because I think we've finally found
a way for Republicans to start giving more money to teachers.
That's what we got to do.
You keep 'em scared, they'll find
more money for the teachers.
I'll tell you right now, that's why I printed
up these fake textbooks.
I'm going to start leaving these at all the schools.
I'm going to scare the hell out of these Republicans.
They're going to be giving all the money.
Look at some of these subjects.
Look at this one.
AP Reparations.
That's scary.
You got a Drag Queen Philosophy.
That's a good scary book right there.
We got AOC's ABCs.
Oh, that's a scary textbook.
That's going to get a lot of money.
This is the one right here now, this is the one.
This is the one going to get them all.
George Washington, Our First Non-Binary President.
[cheering]
I'm telling you.
OK, they're really not going like that one.
No, they're not, they're not.
Look, just wait until you read this book.
You read this George Washington book and find out the truth.
He chopped down that cherry tree
and used the wood to make an abortion clinic.
OK, this is ridiculous, this is ridiculous.
I'm tell ya, look, look, look.
In this, this is history.
It's not ridiculous, it's history.
I read it in a book.
You need to learn something about our country's
very history, Wanda.
I'm happy to teach you for $3,000.
Roy Wood Jr., everybody.