- People have turned their personal vehicles
into taxi cabs!
(audience laughs)
That is not normal.
Now don't get me wrong, it's convenient.
We all love ride shares.
Everybody love it.
You love Uber and Lyft.
We all use it, but that's not normal.
God bless you if you do it, but you shouldn't have to do it.
Even some of these ride share companies,
they know that their driving people around
at three in the morning.
They know that's crazy.
On the website, you sign up to be a driver
on some of these sites, it says on the website,
and I quote, "Get yo side hustle on."
(audience laughs)
Your side hustle?
You not supposed to need a side hustle.
I don't know if you remember what they told us
in school growing up, but we had a Career Day.
You only needed one job.
That's what they told you, one.
This was Career Day.
There was never a Side Hustle Day.
(audience laughs)
"What do you wanna be when you grow up?"
"I wanna be an astronaut."
"Okay, but what's your side hustle gonna be?"
(audience laughs)
The first time I felt like I was funny
was high school baseball because I rode the bench.
So when you ride the bench in baseball,
your job is to yell whatever you need to say
to distract the other team from performing well.
(upbeat music)
We would write stuff to yell.
So we were basically writing bits
without evening knowing it.
I can't even repeat some of the stuff
that we were saying across the baseball field.
If I tweeted today what I said in 1995,
for sure, for sure, unpaid administrative leave.
- Please put your hands together
for Mr. Roy Wood Jr.!
(upbeat music)
(audience cheers)
- How are you, New York?
You okay?
(audience cheers)
Yeah!
This is what the democrats haven't figured out yet.
The democrats still haven't figured out
that they're running against a lunatic.
Trump is crazy.
He's crazy.
You not gon' beat crazy with logic.
Every debate that I've seen the democrats do,
they all logical.
Don't nobody give a damn about logic.
(audience laughs)
"Oh, well if I'm president,
"I will make sure that the policies and the huh."
Trump said if you reelect him,
he will cure aids and cancer.
(audience laughs)
And cancer.
The aids ain't that big a deal.
But motherfucker, I'ma throw in that cancer for free.
You're not gonna beat somebody like that on logic.
The only thing beat crazy is crazy.
You have to run on a lie.
That's the brilliant thing that Trump does.
He just lies and runs on it and he wins.
The only thing beat is a lie is a better,
like right now, if I was a democrat
and I was running against Trump,
my only campaign point would be that my wall
would be better than his wall.
(audience laughs)
That's it.
I wouldn't talk about shit else at the debates.
You'd ask me questions, I wouldn't know the answer
'cause I'm talking about my wall.
"Mr. Wood, how do you feel about healthcare?"
"Man, I don't know nothing about healthcare,
"but let me tell you about my wall."
It's gon' have missiles and machine guns.
Thermal sighting, 50-cal rounds unloading on everybody.
And I have shirts calling myself Missile Man.
I'll have merch.
Be a picture of me sitting on a missile.
That's pretty much.
And that's all I would talk about,
and I would obliterate every democrat running.
I would obliterate 'em in the primaries
'cause I got a damn missile wall.
Now, I'm head-to-head against Trump.
And now, if you're a Trump supporter and you're a racist,
now you got a real decision to make.
(audience laughs)
'Cause you hate black people,
but you love missiles, you love 'em.
And that's how you turn those votes.
I win, I get elected,
I put my hand on the Bible.
"Do you solemnly swear to promise you're here in America?"
And then I turn to the crowd,
after I take my hand off the Bible,
and I go, "Ain't no wall, bitch.
"Come on in, Mexicans."
Run on the lie.
Are we still blaming video games for mass shootings,
or was that last week's thing?
We're off of that now?
We're back to video games are good?
Okay, cool.
(audience laughs)
People say video games are violent.
I don't know about that, man.
I know people that don't even like you
to play "Street Fighter",
which to me is the most peaceful
of all of the video games.
Like of all the violent video games,
"Street Fighter" is the best one.
Nobody dies in "Street Fighter".
It's not "Mortal Kombat".
You ain't ripping somebody's spine
and they heart out their chest.
You get your ass whooped in "Street Fighter",
then you get life advice.
(audience laughs)
It's the only video game that gives you advice.
You get your ass whooped,
and then the dude who whooped your ass,
look you in the face and say,
"Go home and be a family man."
You gotta respect that.
Plus, if you played "Street Fighter",
it was a brilliant game.
This game was just so bare bones basic.
Two strangers meet in a public place,
and just whoop each others' ass.
There's no journey.
There's no quest.
There's no person, there's no princess to rescue
in a castle.
It's just two dudes at a fish market going,
"Aye, I heard you was talking shit,
"would you like to fight?"
"Yes, I would.
"You wanna come back tonight when it's closed?"
"No, let's fight right now
"during normal business hours."
(audience laughs)
'Cause that's the crazy shit about "Street Fighter"
is that if you never played "Street Fighter",
in the background, commerce is happening.
(audience laughs)
It's people throwing fireballs at each other,
and in the background,
it's just people in a fish market.
And then, "Hadouken!"
And then just behind him,
"Yeah, let me get the catfish nuggets.
"And I'll get some of them crab legs too."
"Hadouken!"
(audience laughs)
"You know what, bag that up to go.
"I'ma get that to go.
"They throwing the fireballs again."
(audience laughs)
It's important life lessons taught in "Street Fighter".
The lesson in "Street Fighter" never came
from the people fighting.
The life lesson in "Street Fighter"
came from the people in the background.
No matter what's going on around you in this world,
mind yo got damn business,
and maybe you'll get home safely.
I basically believe there are only two types
of jokes worth telling,
who are you as a person,
how do you feel about an issue.
That's my true North when I get ready
to put a pen to paper.
The third thing I would say also
is it's cool to be right,
but it's better to be funny.
If we're on stage to just be right, that's fine,
but if they're not laughing,
that's not comedy.
That's just a really dope speech.
Y'all believe in ghosts?
You believe in that?
What about mediums?
You think you can talk to the dead?
Y'all don't think that's real?
You don't think you can go to a medium for $20
and pull up your dead grandmamma on FaceTime,
see what's cracking in the afterlife?
If talking to the dead is real,
at minimum, it's rude.
It's disrespectful.
You bothering people in heaven.
I'm dead.
What the fuck else do you want?
It's rude, you dead.
You're in heaven, having a good time.
Barbecue, lap dances, here come the waiter.
"Oh, yes, you have a call on Earth phone."
When you do see people talking to the dead,
they ain't asking no important questions.
Nobody talks to the dead and asks important shit.
It's all self-serving, emotional.
(sobbing)
"Ask him if he misses me.
"What color was the dress, whatever."
(sobbing)
You talking to a god damn spirit in the fifth dimension,
and you giving them account security questions?
Ask--
(audience laughs)
Some real shit.
Talking to a spirit, the only question is,
is there a guest list and can you add me to it?
Trying to get into heaven, that's all I'm trying to do.
You know why I think talking to the dead ain't real?
Nobody ever talks to the dead to settle the score.
You ever notice on TV,
people talk to spirits and shit.
It's always somebody they miss, somebody they love,
somebody they had an emotional attachment to.
We all at the age when somebody in our life
done died that you're kind of, you're okay with them dying.
(audience laughs)
Wouldn't it be nice, for $20 to pull they ass up
and keep talking shit?
(audience laughs)
I got a homeboy died, true story.
Died owing me $637.
(audience laughs)
We gotta have a conversation, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you're dead,
but yo, does somebody on Earth have my six?
"Yes, I'm talking to the spirit,
"the spirit is here.
"What question for the spirit?"
Ask that nigga where that 600 is.
(audience laughs)
Nobody ever talks to the dead to settle the score.
If you really think the dead
is a real thing, talk shit to people.
I would love to talk to my father.
My father died when I was 16.
I'm 40 now.
You think I ain't got no questions for my dad,
questions I couldn't ask when I was 16,
too young to even realize they were questions worth asking?
But for $20,
pull his ass right up.
(audience laughs)
"Yes, your father is here.
"He is in the room.
"What question for your father?"
Ask him why in the eighth grade
when he knew I worked extra shifts
to pay for a tuxedo to go to middle school prom,
he stood me up and didn't take me to prom
'cause he was cross town, cheating on my mama?
"I am asking the spirit, the spirit I ask.
"The spirit speaks.
"The spirit said, 'Nigga, hush.'
"Does that mean anything?"
Oh my god, yes.
That's exactly what the spirit say.
He said, "Nigga, hush."
(audience laughs)
Is this too much information for you?
I'm sorry, I thought we were live at the Cellar.
I thought I could say whatever.
That's fine.
(audience laughs)
I believe in ghosts.
I believe in ghosts because I heard my father's ghost
getting ready for work
for three weeks after he died.
It's not even bullshit.
I'm 16.
My father died on a Monday morning.
And for the next two weeks,
two, three weeks, I could hear, distinctly, downstairs,
I could hear my father.
I could hear his morning routine.
Every morning, I heard the shit.
Hear the shower curtain push back.
Shower curtain come forward.
Shower curtain push back.
Heard the water run.
Heard the walk across the linoleum.
Heard the fridge open.
Heard the coffeemaker.
Heard him, back door, back porch, to the car,
garage door up, car out,
garage door down, car drive off.
Two weeks straight, I hear my father's morning routine.
I let this roll for two weeks.
I go to mom.
I go, "Yo, what the fuck?
"Are you not hearing this nigga
"just causally walking through the house?"
And she's like, "No, I ain't hearing no shit like that?
"You wanna go to a therapist?"
I'm like, "No, I don't need to go to no therapist.
"I'm just concerned that apparently after you die,
"you still gotta go to work."
(audience laughs)
"How bad is this economy?"
(upbeat music)