Coffee.
It's the drink you have when you're sleepy
so you can poop yourself awake.
(laughter)
But one coffee company is in trouble
for how they get that coffee to you.
The famous pitch man for a coffee giant, George Clooney,
is speaking out after that company was linked
to a child labor scandal.
MAN 2: As Nespresso's brand ambassador,
George Clooney has been the face of the company.
Now he's using his voice
to say he's surprised and saddened
by child labor allegations raised
against suppliers to the coffee maker.
Clooney is already responding,
saying that progress has been made, but
"Clearly the board and this company still have work to do.
And that work will be done."
Yes, Nespresso has been accused
of using child labor to make their coffee,
which is disappointing, but, also, not shocking.
I mean, why else would those cups be so tiny?
-I mean, those aren't being made by adults. -(laughter)
And I'll be honest, this story really made me angry,
because I hate child labor.
One-- because it exploits children,
and two-- because if a kid messes up on the job,
you can't get mad at them.
Yeah. You're gonna look like an asshole.
There's no accountability. Yeah, the kid is just like,
"I was supposed to do a liver transplant,
but instead, by mistakes, I took your kidney."
(laughter)
And then you just have to be like, "What?!
"I-I guess you did your best. Okay.
All right, Dr. Kid."
And by the way, it's funny how the news seems to care more
about what George Clooney has to say about the scandal
than the actual CEO of Nespresso, right?
'Cause like, "George Clooney said this."
Like, yeah, where's the boss of Nespresso?
It would be like if we found out
that McDonald's was serving poison beef,
and the CEO was like, "Let me explain."
And you're like, "Shut up! Where's Ronald?
-We want to talk to Ronald!" -(laughter)
All right, moving on to some good news from Afghanistan,
-a phrase no one has ever said. -(laughter)
America's never-ending war with the Taliban
might finally be coming to an end.
America's longest running war could finally come to an end.
Over the weekend, the United States signed a deal
with the Taliban to end the nearly two-decade conflict
that gripped Afghanistan in the aftermath
of the 9/11 attacks
and the subsequent U.S. invasion of the country.
The agreement lays out a time table
for the full withdrawal of U.S. and coalition troops
from Afghanistan within 14 months.
In exchange, the Taliban agreed
that it would not allow Afghan territory to be used
by any groups or individuals to plot future attacks
against the United States and its allies.
This is a big deal.
The United States and the Taliban might have a deal.
And this is huge. Besides Taylor Swift and Katy Perry,
this might be the biggest peace agreement of the century.
It's huge.
And after 20 years and two trillion dollars,
you have to admit, that's a lot of lowered expectations. Yeah?
No, 'cause America went in to Afghanistan like,
"We're taking out the Taliban
"and bringing in Western democracy
no matter how long it takes!"
And now America's like, "Uh, we're-we're gonna leave.
Um, just, like, don't do another 9/11, okay?"
(laughter)
Now, the deal hasn't been concluded yet,
because there are still some things
that need to be worked out, which makes sense.
'Cause if you think about it,
these two countries have been entwined
in a 20-year relationship, all right?
We all know it's hard to walk away
when you've spent that much time together.
So, America, let me...
let me give you some relationship tips.
(laughter, whooping)
First of all, America,
let me just say I'm-I'm proud of you.
You've realized that you're in a toxic relationship
with Afghanistan and... and you're ready to get out.
Now I want to warn you, for a while,
there's-there's gonna be a part of you that wants to go back
and bum them in the middle of the night,
but you stay strong.
And you remember, no matter what you think now,
there are plenty of other Middle Eastern countries
out there for you.
(cheers and applause)
And finally,
in some local news close to my heart,
New York City is saying farewell to one of its oldest residents.
New York City is hanging it up,
removing the last remaining pay phones from the streets.
City workers will remove 30 pay phones
in Hell's Kitchen alone by the end of March,
then rip out about 3,000 more pay phones
across the five boroughs.
Did you know there were that many left?
Yeah, this is a sad day for New Yorkers.
After so many decades, soon,
we will no longer have the pay phone, which means
we'll have to find somewhere else to get hepatitis.
-(laughter) -And... and, look, I know...
I know we don't need pay phones anymore,
but they were such a big part of the landscape for so long.
You know? You could count on them
if you locked yourself out of your apartment, or...
or if you needed to call the mafia, and...
And, also, like, like, Superman. You know, like, pay phones.
It was cool when he changed in a phone booth.
Those are things that are gone.
Although, actually, now that I think about it,
he didn't have to use that.
He could have just flown home and changed.
(laughter)
Now that I think about it, I feel like
Superman was just, like, a secret exhibitionist.
You know, he was...
Yeah, he was just changing in the phone booth
because he got excited that someone might catch him.
He was just... You know?
He was just like, "Oh, no, you-you saw me naked.
"Oh. Oh, man.
"Now you're gonna tell everyone, 'Big Dick Superman.'
Oh, I hope they don't call me that."
It's like, "Get out of here, Superman, you pervert!"
"Okay, okay, I go... I've got to go
"and save a bunch of kids making tiny coffee cups. (laughs)
One last look? Okay, got to go."