Well, hello there and welcome to this episode of The Terri Cole Show that I wanna start
with a question. Do you ever wonder why you struggle so hard with setting boundaries with
others? Speaking up when you have something to say? Asserting a limit when you don't wanna
do something? Do you ever wonder? Well, if you're nodding your head, then this episode
is for you because in this episode, I'm gonna be hitting the top five reasons you don't
set boundaries. So before we get into it, if you happen to be new to my YouTube channel,
introduce yourself in the comments, say hello cuz we are a friendly group. Please make sure
that you subscribe and hit the bell icon so that you get notified every time I roll out
something new, which happens to be every Tuesday and every Thursday. And I wouldn't want you
to miss a thing. If you don't know me,
my name is Terri Cole. I'm a licensed psychotherapist, a relationship expert, and the author of Boundary
Boss, which you can get at boundarybossbook.com. I wanna say thank you so much for all of your
participation. I love, love, love it. You know I read all the things. This is like,
other people watch Netflix on the weekends. I just read my YouTube comments, and I love
to highlight your comments and your questions. So this is from Angie Navarro under the episode,
the video, Kinda Bored? Three Ways to Rekindle the Spark in Your Relationship. And Angie
says, "I've been yearning for a female mentor for some time now. I'm so blessed to have
found you. Thank you for your wisdom. I know you're gonna help me and countless others
through this life." Well, thanks, Angie. That really warms my heart and I appreciate you
taking the time to say so. All right, let's jump into today's content.
So, why is it hard to set boundaries? Why is it hard, even when we're in the moment?
What are the top reasons that people don't do it? What are the top reasons that you are
not doing it right now in your life when you want to? Well, let's start with probably the
biggest one, which is fear of rejection. And we all have different reasons as to why rejection
seems so terrifying. So we can start with the basic ones that are very natural and visceral
and biological, we can say, right? Is that back in the day, in the cave people days,
if you were rejected by your group or your tribe, you would most likely die. So there
really is sort of a built in fear of that, that we have as human beings, as like a survival
instinct. So that's not being dramatic, that's just true.
So we're kind of wired to want to avoid rejection. I think a lot of it is that we have this fear
that other people will not understand what we're saying and that will get them to reject
us, which of course we don't want. You may be worried, right, that if you are saying
something or asking for something, that the other person is going to judge you. Because
when we think about rejection, that's a big terminology that encompasses, it's like an
umbrella for a lot of other actual experiences underneath it. So another part of rejection
is being judged, right? We don't want people to think that what we're saying is stupid
or that we're being petty or that we're being greedy. All of these projection fears that
we have when it comes to asking for what we want or saying no right? There's all these
different reasons why we feel the way that we do.
But it's important for you to look at your own fear of rejection. And a lot of times,
we have a profound fear of rejection because of our childhood experiences with rejection.
And this could be family of origin stuff, and this could also be school stuff and middle
school stuff. And, you know, it's not just family of origin, that's one thing. But maybe
you were rejected in school, maybe you had bad social experiences, and that would impact
how you feel as well. So if fear of rejection is a real thing, and if you're feeling it,
don't judge yourself. And here's the thing, you guys, with all this, I'm gonna give you
ideas of things that you can do and ways that you can sort of more deeply understand what's
getting in the way of you asserting healthy boundaries in your life in the guide.
So you can get that at terricole.com/guide. But I also want you to know that this is normal.
These are the things that everyone sort of struggles with when it comes to boundaries.
Cause I've been doing this long enough as a therapist and I've been doing this long
enough with boundaries to hear the same things over and over again. So I don't know if it
makes you feel better, but P.S., you're in good company and you're certainly not alone
if you have a profound fear of rejection. All right, number two, lack of awareness.
Right? Maybe you don't have a clear sense of what your, now let's say again, let me
break down quickly. What are your boundaries? Your preferences, your desires, your limits,
and your deal breakers. Which are your non-negotiables? And if you have a lack of self-awareness around
what those things are, it's kind of like you may not be able to be proactive when it comes
to your boundaries, because you only know it when someone steps over it, or you only
know it when you're off or hurt or upset.
Make sense? So I think that in this area, the lack of awareness, I'm going to give you
some questions in the guide that you can ask yourself about how you're feeling, right?
This is a perfect place for you to really identify what you might be tolerating in your
life. Because when you can start to get more concrete about what's not working, then you
can start to be more concrete about being proactive when it comes to sharing and asserting
your preferences, your desires, your limits, and your deal breakers. But again, so much
of the time, and at least my own young experience with boundaries, is that I wouldn't have been
able to articulate what they were in a proactive way. That was the time in my life when I started
learning about myself, what I liked, what I didn't like, what I wanted, what I didn't.
And again, remember your boundaries. The way I want you to think about your personal boundaries
is that this is your own personal rules of engagement, to let other people know what's
okay with you and what's not okay with you. So even just getting clarity on the fact that
you have a right and an obligation to create your own rules of engagement because you do.
And when we don't have those rules, and like, it doesn't have to be an actual book of rules,
right? It's, we are letting people know, we're setting people up to succeed. We're managing
their expectations when we tell the truth about how we feel, about what we want, about
what doesn't work for us. Because the thing with boundaries, why there's no one size fits
all, is because you are all so different. You have your lived life experience, right?
The one you've already lived. Our childhoods are all lived experiences that heavily impact
our preferences, limits, desires, deal breakers, right? So there's no way to just say, this
is what you should do. But yes, I can say, this is what you should do: figure out what
your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers are, and I will help you do that
in the guide. This is how you're going to raise your self-awareness so that you can
succinctly, transparently, accurately set boundaries that reflect who you are, that
protect you, that protect your relationships. Because really that's what they're all about,
right? This is what boundaries are for, is it protects us, our dignity, but also our
relationships with other people. Third thing that gets in the way of you setting boundaries
is guilt or obligation. Where we feel guilty, especially if we've been a people pleaser
or a high functioning co-dependent, and we've been over-functioning or doing too much, saying
yes to all the people, suddenly the thought of saying no can really bring up a ton of
guilt where you feel bad, you feel selfish, you feel wrong.
But I think that you have to really think about, like, we have to question our guilt
when we are feeling guilty about something. Again, there's nothing wrong with some guilt,
right? Some guilt can be very healthy, right? Because if you do something wrong, let's say
you snap at someone, you say something mean because you're a human being, and that may
happen, guilt can propel you towards what we call a reparative action, where you might
go apologize, you might write a note, you might say you're sorry, or ask for forgiveness
or whatever it is. Or just take responsibility. Hey, I'm really sorry I was in a bad mood
before. I'm sorry I snapped at you. There's no excuse to treat you that way or whatever.
So I'm not talking about appropriate guilt because there is appropriate guilt. I'm talking
about chronic guilt or a chronic sense of obligation.
And when we lean towards being codependent, we have an overly developed sense of obligation
to lots and lots of people. I mean, I felt obligated to people I barely knew at times.
If they felt like I should be obligated to them, I would get completely sucked into that
vortex in my young life. Or if I could help them, I would help them, even if it wasn't
in my best interest to do so, right? Even if I had something else to do. So again, we
have to look at guilt and obligation and look at how much of what we're doing when we're
over functioning and not having healthy boundaries. How much of that is self sabotaging behavior?
What is happening for us that we are self abandoning to sort of please another person?
And I'm not saying that it's never appropriate, right?
Sometimes, in long-term relationships, we do have to compromise. I I don't consider
that the same as self-abandoning though, right? Because compromising is called being in a
marriage or being in a long-term relationship. We have to compromise. This is the part of
how we make it work. That's not the same as endlessly self-abandoning to please others
because you feel obligated or because you don't want to feel guilty. So guilt is a really
important aspect to get in touch with yourself. How much of your time do you spend feeling
guilty? And how much of your behavior towards others is driven by obligation or guilt? So
I'll have those questions for you in the guide, terricole.com/guide. Another huge block to
establishing and holding boundaries is fear of conflict. And this is something that I
think is so important that we talk about because not many of us do conflict well.
Especially, of course, if you're conflict avoidant, then you really don't wanna do it
at all. But that's where a lot of self-abandonment can come in. Where I think we have to really
change our minds about conflict, let's just think of it as honestly communicating, right?
It's okay for someone to disagree with you. It's okay for someone to be upset with you.
Like it actually is. And I want you to start really in your own mind, allowing that to
be true for you. You can still love people and have them feel disappointed that you're
not gonna do the thing you said you do. Maybe you need to course correct for your mental
wellness. You have to be able to give yourself permission to do that. And again, I do try
to remind you guys a lot, but I want you to think about this from the point of view that
you're not that fragile.
That you can withstand a little bit of conflict, you're gonna be okay. Most of your relationships
are not that fragile, right? Like, everyone's gonna be okay. And I'm not talking about conflict.
If you're dealing with a domestic violence situation or any kind of violence, that is
not what I'm talking about, which I think you know, but I always feel compelled to say
it. That is a whole other conversation. I'm talking about our emotional terror that we
have regarding conflict. If you are conflict avoidant, it's almost like you'll do anything
to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. And a lot of times that means we do that by not
setting boundaries, right? Because we think that a boundary conversation can be uncomfortable.
Yeah, maybe. Or you let someone cross your boundaries because it's too threatening for
you to say something in either one of those scenarios.
That fear of conflict is painful, and I think it's important to look back. So we all have
these downloaded blueprints. And when it comes to conflict, I grew up in a home that was
conflict averse, which meant nobody was allowed to be mad. That was one of the forbidden emotions.
That didn't mean people weren't mad , right? It just meant you weren't allowed to
be mad. And so therefore you had a lot of people shoving their anger down. But of course
it still comes out. As human beings, like, we're not powerful enough to decide we're
not going to have that experience. Like, no, we actually don't have the power to
erase emotions because they're inconvenient, because we don't like them. We don't. So there's
something really important about understanding your background when it comes to conflict.
It's really helpful when you can actually get a handle on why you feel the way that
you do. And the last block to getting boundaries in place in your life is lack of confidence,
right? Feeling like you don't know how to do it, you don't know how to enforce them,
you're not sure what to say, worry that you won't be taken seriously, worry that you're
gonna use the wrong language or do it wrong, or pick the wrong time. Which is why in Boundary
Boss, the book, and you know, I definitely have done other videos on this, you can create
a proactive boundary success plan, which means that you are thinking about it ahead of time.
I mean, unless it's a spontaneous boundary, and then we just gotta- then that's in the
moment, right? If it's happening with a stranger, cutting you in line or something.
But so much of the ones that really create a fear of doing it wrong are the people in
our life, the people that we love, the people who we have relationships with that matter
to us. So this is something that, just look at it from the perspective that you are going
to grow your confidence. It's okay right now if you don't feel fully confident. But there
are steps that you can take and how you feel matters. Like the most important part of this
with setting boundaries and why I care that you do it is that what you think, how you
feel, what you want matters. And it needs to matter to you more than what anyone else
wants, thinks or feels. Literally your wants, thoughts and feelings have to be the most
important things to you. It doesn't mean you can't compromise once you know them, but knowing
them is so incredibly important. So number five is lack of confidence. But I don't want
you to worry about that because that is something that as you start building
these skills, you will naturally become more confident. But you have to give yourself permission
to build the skills to begin with. Because remember, you guys, nobody taught us how to
do this stuff. Hey, you wouldn't feel bad about not being fluent in a language that
you never studied. This is the same exact thing. So don't sweat it. Just get committed
to learning it. I hope that this episode helped you, inspired you, hopefully it resonated
with you. If so, please share it with your world. And don't forget to go get the guide,
terricole.com/guide. I hope you guys have an amazing weekend. As always, take care of
you.