Hey guys! So if you're having a stressful day, this is the video for you. So sit back,
Relax, and bask in my misfortune as I tell you about...
*suspenseful music* The personal trainer incident.
Quick warning, this story is slightly gross, so you might not want to eat while watching this, I'll put a little spoiler in the description just in case.
Also, don't feel too sorry for me, I know this is funny, so feel free to laugh.
Here we go.
After Christmas and my birthday when I basically inhaled cake every minute of the day, I thought now would be the perfect time to get a little bit of exercise and join the gym.
Again.
Dan and I had a final indulgent Indian take away, you know those where you order every single thing off the menu.
*flipped fringe makes an appearance* This is relevant to the story, by the way, so remember this.
And we ate our weight in poppadoms and curry ready to start our new, healthy lives.
Now over time I've realised that public classes and running outside and swimming are not for me because of the social interaction and the lamp posts and the
public nudity.
So I just decided that I just want to run on a treadmill,
listen to a podcast,
and have some easy exercise.
So I rang the gym and said:
"Hi, is this the gym?"
"Yeah, do you wanna sign up for the army cannibal yoga bone challenge?"
"No, I'm good, I just want someone to give me a simple exercise plan and tell me how to use the treadmill and the cross trainer machine."
"Oh, sure, we can do that. Leon will see you tomorrow"
Little did I know that this is one of the worst decisions I've ever made!
*super serious and ominous music*
I woke up, I put on my best exercise gear.
Oversized Pokemon t-shirt.
Running shorts.
Novelty socks.
Cool shoes.
And I headed down to the gym where I was greeted by:
Leon.
*sexy fitness instructor music*
Now imagine if Zac Efron and The Rock had a baby, it would be Leon.
He was like a muscle machine, I swear he had muscles on his eyelids.
Anyways, he floated over to me, cause I assume people this perfect don't need gravity.
And he said:
"Oh, hey man, you're here for your gym induction, right?"
What? No, that is not what I asked for, I was wanting someone to give me a light exercise plan.
"*laughs* uh, no, on the phone I said I wanted someone to give me an exercise plan, like some light jogging, maybe some cycling."
"What? Nah man, that's boring. Here, try this."
I was like, how is that boring that is just what I want to do, when suddenly:
He brings out a giant tractor tire.
"Alright mate, here we go!"
"Huh?"
I don't know where he produced it from, maybe it was nestled into one of his abs.
I should say that now people were half glancing at me, Leon, and the gigantic tire that is in the middle of the room.
"Lift this 15 times."
Now, as I'm British *laughs*
Too polite to say no, I just started flipping the tire.
*dramatic grunting*
I managed about four, okay let's be honest, three tire flips and I started to feel really dizzy, but I look over and Rock Efron is just shouting:
"*clapping* Keep going! Keep going! Keep lifting! Keep lifting!"
I was so awkward and scared, but I kept going and by about the 14th tire flip the room was actually spinning.
*exhausted panting*
I wanted death.
But he fully ignores me and says:
"One more tire flip, man."
*dramatic build up music*
"Well there you go, your warm up is complete."
That was the warm up? That wasn't even the exercise?
Ahhh!
I was actually gasping for air, like a distressed fish, but no.
No my friends, it wasn't over yet.
"On the floor dude, we're doing burpees."
What the hell is a burpee? I did-
I did not want to do this.
Why wasn't he listening to me?
"What?"
He gets into like a press up position and kicks his legs forward and back, like a frog on loads of drugs, and then he asked me to get down on the floor with him.
So obviously, being Phil I do and with each burpee I can feel the Indian meal sloshing around in my stomach and I start to feel really nauseous.
"Keep going man, burpee, come on, burpee, burpee, do it, burpee!"
"Burpee."
I can feel all the food moving around inside me and I swear all the blood drained out of my head because things started to go into slow motion and black and white and I thought I was going to faint.
So I just stopped and said:
"Leon, to be honest I don't think I'm ever going to do burpees or lift a massive tire, I just kind of want to get on the treadmill and listen to the La La Land soundtrack.
He looks at me with what I can only describe as the disappointment of a lion that is about to eat a trembling deer.
He finally says:
"Alright mate, let's do some running."
Thank god for that! Literally when I'm about to die we're finally going to do something that I actually want to do.
So we start with a light jog and I almost started to feel a bit better when suddenly he presses the speed to 10 and puts me on an incline which is like climbing Mount Everest.
And I start to jog furiously.
I didn't really feel ready to exercise again but at least he was explaining the different modes, and I was actually on a treadmill.
I was running up it like an elephant that had just been born but then suddenly I started to feel really queasy.
Everything went into slow motion, I couldn't hear what Leon was saying anymore, it was all blurring together, and I could feel the Indian food bubbling in my stomach.
I was about to puke.
Make no mistake, at this moment the universe wanted me to barf all over Leon.
*sensual music* Come on Philly. Throw up on Leon. This was the plan all along.
Now this had been one of the most traumatising mornings of my entire life,
but no matter what I was not going to throw up on the hunky personal trainer.
So you know what I did next?
*wretching noise*
I threw up in my mouth.
Yes I was sick in my mouth right there, I warned you it was gross.
And then at that moment, I still can't hear Leon properly, and he asks me something that my brain interprets as a question.
*gibberish questioning*
I had no idea what to do. He clearly asked me a question but if I opened my mouth I'd be sick all over him so I kind of just stood there for an awkward 10 seconds with a mouth full of barf.
It felt like 10 hours.
And I decided the only thing I could do...
Was swallow it.
And I did. Blahh.
I was so horrified by this. So in the middle of him saying something, I just went:
"Leon, I have to go and... do... a leave.
"Huh?"
I stumbled off the treadmill, ran out the room, and threw up in the gym toilet.
And I looked in the mirror afterwards and I swear I have never looked so pale, I was paler than this.
I was like a light shade of green.
I sat on the gym toilet floor for like a good
15 minutes recovering emotionally and physically and then I just left.
I didn't say goodbye to Leon.
Didn't say goodbye to the receptionist.
I just flew off into the sunset.
He must have thought that I was such a weirdo. Like what was he even thinking about me?
Some guy that doesn't know how to exercise, turns up, does one minute of running, and then leaves with no explanation.
I can't go back there now.
I came home, sat in silence, I was traumatised for the rest of my life.
And there we go! That was my personal training experience. Hopefully your day has been slightly better than that one.
I think the moral of the story is if you're super polite, don't do things you don't want to do.
Or maybe it's don't eat Indian food before going to the gym.
Or maybe it's just don't ever go outside again.
I don't know- it's probably all of the above.
Feel free to leave your embarrassing exercise stories in the comments below and give me a sympathetic thumbs up if you enjoyed the video. What is a sympathetic thumbs up?
Make this noise while you press the button.
*sympathetic aww*
If you haven't yet, make sure you check out our gaming channel as Dan and I have made like five videos in the last week.
Including this one:
P: Squeeze it out! D: You have to really- it's like a toothpaste tube. P: Yeah.
D: Start at the top, work to the bottom. P: Squeeze it out.
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I'm having fun texting you at strange hours. And I hope you're having a treadmill free day.
And I will see you very soon. Good bye.