( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HAPPY FRIDAY.
>> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY TO YOU.
IT'S A LOVELY FEELING, A LOVELY FEELING, YOU'VE GOTTEN THROUGH
ANOTHER WEEK, TAKE A MOMENT TO REFLECT.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: SETTLE DOWN.
GOT A FANTASTIC SHOW.
FROM "BILLIONS," COREY STOLL IS HERE.
BRADLEY COOPER IS TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TONIGHT.
>> Jon: HE WILL BE KNOWN AFTER THAT.
>> Stephen: HE WILL BE FULLY KNOWN AFTER THAT.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I BET HE'S GOING TO BE GOOD AT IT.
HE'S REALLY GOOD AT A LOT OF THINGS.
AND THOSE BLUE EYES-- I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO GET ON SCUBA GEAR
BEFORE I LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
IT'S LIKE CAVE DIVING.
IT'S ALMOST DANGEROUS TO GO IN THERE.
I FEEL I MIGHT LOSE DIRECTION AND GET CAUGHT IN THERE.
ANYWAY, WISH ME LUCK.
FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING
THROUGH THE DAY'S NEWS, CAREFULLY SELECTING THE MOST
TOPICAL, FRAGRANT HERBS AND JOKE-RICH ALLIUM, DELICATELY
STIRRING THEM INTO A SATIRICAL STOCK, BRINGING THE CONCOCTION
TO A BREAKING NEWS BOIL BEFORE PAINSTAKINGLY EDITING AWAY THE
SCRAPS, LEAVING ONLY THE PUREST, NUTRIENT-RICH CONSOMME OF COMEDY
THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I SWEAT MYSELF AWAKE INSIDE A DEFLATED BOUNCY
CASTLE AT A DEFUNCT AMUSEMENT PARK, I BREAK INTO A COMBINATION
GAS STATION/PIZZA HUT WHERE I THROW TOGETHER WHATEVER OLD HOT
DOGS AND REPURPOSED CHEESE PRODUCT I CAN GET MY CHAPPED AND
CRACKING HANDS ON.
AND THERE, BY THE CRUEL LIGHT OF A PIZZA WARMING DRAWER, I DROWN
THE MIXTURE IN A CAN OF DISCONTINUED SURGE FROM 2002
BEFORE STRAINING IT THROUGH A GREASE-SOILED BEARD NET TO
CREATE THE FESTERING MOP BUCKET SOUR MASH OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A LIFE RAFT-- A LIFE RAFT FOR AMERICA.
MEANWHILE, MEGAN FOX AND MACHINE GUN KELLY DRANK EACH OTHER'S
BLOOD AND ARE NOW ENGAGED.
IS THAT HOW THE KIDS ARE DOING IT NOW?
BACK IN MY DAY, WHEN YOU WANTED TO PROPOSE, YOU TOOK A LADY OUT
TO DINNER, PULLED THE WAITER ASIDE AND TIPPED HIM TO SLIP THE
BLOOD INTO THE TIRAMISU.
( LAUGHTER )
CALLING KELLY HER SWIN FLAME, ONE SOUL IN TWO DIFFERENT
BODIES.
AND AFTER THAT ENGAGEMENT, ONE CASE OF HEP-C.
( LAUGHTER )
DELIVERED A LETTER FROM AN AMERICAN SOLDIER IN GERMANY.
IT WAS 76 YEARS LATE.
WOW, THAT POOR FAMILY HAS WAITED 76 YEARS TO FIND OUT HOW THE
WAR'S GOING.
THE NAZIS ARE THE BAD GUYS?
( LAUGHTER )
THAT.
MEANWHILE, UNFORTUNATELY, JASON MOMOA AND LISA BONET HAVE
SPLIT UP.
EVIDENTLY, THEY DID NOT DRINK ENOUGH OF EACH OTHER'S BLOOD.
( LAUGHTER )
BASEBALL CLUB CANCELED A TWITTER TAKEOVER WITH THEIR MASCOT AFTER
A PICTURE HE TWEETED WAS MISINTERPRETED AS HIM SHOWING
FANS ANOTHER PART OF HIS PICKLED ANATOMY.
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T BUY IT.
HOW DARE ANYONE IMPLY THAT THERE'S ANYTHING PHALLIC ABOUT
THIS GIANT PICKLE-HEADED PICKLE.
BUT, FINE, IF PEOPLE INSIST ON SEEING SOMETHING DIRTY
EVERYWHERE, LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
LET'S TOSS THAT PICKLE BACK IN THE BARREL.
THAT GHERKIN IS NOT KOSHER.
SO THAT PHOTO WENT UP YESTERDAY AT 4:45 P.M.
AT 4:49 P.M., THE BASEBALL TEAM ANNOUNCED: WE HAVE ENDED OUR
MASCOT TAKEOVER.
IT'S COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT THS PHOTO CAN BE MISINTERPRETED
AS A DISTURBING IMAGE.
DILLON WOULD LIKE TO GO ON RECORD AND SAY THAT HE WAS
TRYING TO GIVE HIS FANS A THUMBS UP.
( APPLAUSE )
REALLY?
THAT'S A THUMBS UP?
THE CAMERA IS POINTED AT HIS CROTCH, AND THE REST OF HIS HAND
IS CROPPED OUT.
WHEN YOU'RE DOING A GESTURE, THE PLACEMENT OF THE HAND IS REALLY
IMPORTANT.
THERE'S A REASON NIXON DIDN'T GIVE THE PEACE SIGN LIKE THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WHET MY WHISTLE ON THAT ONE.
MEANWHILE, THE T.S.A. JUST RELEASED ITS LIST OF UNUSUAL
CONFISCATED ITEMS OF 2021.
I ASSUME THE TOP ITEM ON THE LIST IS MY DIGNITY.
NOTHING CRUSHES THE SPIRIT LIKE GETTING YOUR JUNK KNUCKLE-DUSTED
IN FRONT OF 700 PEOPLE.
AMONG THE ITEMS ON THE T.S.A.'S CONFISCATED LIST:
BEAR SPRAY, A MACHETE, FIREWORKS, AND A CHAINSAW.
WHO IS STILL SO UNCLEAR ON AIRPLANE RULES THAT THEY THINK
THEY'RE GETTING A CHAINSAW THROUGH SECURITY?
IT'LL BE FINE.
I'LL JUST SLIP IT INTO THAT LITTLE BOWL.
BUT MY FAVORITE ITEM ON THE T.S.A.'S LIST OF CONFISCATED
ITEMS: A METH BURRITO.
STILL BETTER FOR YOU THAN TACO BELL.
( LAUGHTER )
REVENUE SURGED 67% LAST YEAR.
CONSUMERS STUCK AT HOME OVER THE PAST 18 MONTHS DITCHED DRESS
SHOES FOR MORE COMFORTABLE FOOTWEAR, WHICH EXPLAINS THEIR
NEW SLOGAN: CROCS: SHHH, JUST GIVE UP.
( LAUGHTER )
COOPER TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
RIGHT THERE!
♪ ♪ ♪