WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WANT YOU TO BRACE YOURSELF
BECAUSE HERE'S A SENTENCE I DON'T OFTEN SAY:
DONALD TRUMP DID SOMETHING GOOD.
TODAY, HE PARDONED ALICE MARIE JOHNSON, A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER,
FIRST-TIME NONVIOLENT DRUG OFFENDER WHO RECEIVED A
LIFE SENTENCE FOR COCAINE POSSESSION.
LIFE-- THAT SEEMS PRETTY HARSH, BUT IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN STUCK IN
A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE WHO'S HIGH ON COCAINE, THAT
FEELS LIKE A LIFE SENTENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, ANYWAY, HE DID THE RIGHT
THING.
HE DID THE RIGHT THING.
SHE DIDN'T DESERVE TO BE IN THERE.
HE LET HER OFF.
BUT MAYBE HE DID THE RIGHT THING FOR THE WRONG REASON
BECAUSE THERE WAS NO FORMAL LEGAL PROCESS OR REVIEW.
TRUMP COMMUTED HER SENTENCE BECAUSE OF A MEETING WITH KIM
KARDASHIAN.
SO EXECUTIVE CLEMENCY IS NOW JUST REALITY TV.
STAYED TUNED FOR "THE PARDONER."
( LAUGHTER ) "I-- I-- LOOK, I--
"O.J., WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THIS ONE-- THIS IS JUST THE LATEST IN A
STRING OF PARDONS THAT'S INCLUDED SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO,
SCOOTER LIBBY, DINESH D'SOUZA, AND THE LATE BOXER JACK JOHNSON.
THAT LAST ONE, THAT LAST CAUSE WAS CHAMPIONED BY LEGAL SCHOLAR
SYLVESTER STALLONE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, REMEMBER, IF YOU EVER GET
WRONGLY CONVICTED, DON'T CALL A LAWYER.
CALL MICKEY ROURKE.
AND LAST WEEK, TRUMP FLOATED THE IDEA HE MIGHT ALSO PARDON MARTHA
STEWART AND DISGRACED ILLINOIS GOVERNOR ROD BLAGOJEVICH, AFTER
BLAGOJEVICH'S WIFE, PATTI, ASKED FOR A PARDON ON FOX NEWS.
WELL THAT IS-- GOING ON FOX NEWS IS ONE OF THE BEST
WAYS TO MAKE SURE TRUMP GETS YOUR MESSAGE-- OTHER THAN
WRITING IT ON HIS STEAK IN KETCHUP.
AND, AND CNN--
WHY NOT?
WE LOVE MEAT JOKES!" AND CNN IS REPORTING THAT THE
ADMINISTRATION HAS PREPARED THE PARDONING PAPERWORK FOR AT LEAST
30 PEOPLE.
"OKAY LET'S SEE WHO WE GOT HERE, IRON MIKE TYSON, CHARLIE SHEEN,
THE HOT MUGSHOT CONVICT, THE NOID, HANNIBAL LECTER, FRED
FLINTSTONE, AND OSAMA BIN LADEN.
TAKE THAT, OBAMA.
NOW YOU MURDERED AN INNOCENT MAN."
( LAUGHTER ) AND-- THANK YOU, JON.
THANK YOU.
ALWAYS THERE.
>> Jon: ALWAYS THERE.
>> Stephen: ACCORDING TO ONE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL, TRUMP IS
OBSESSED WITH PARDONS, DESCRIBING THEM AS THE
PRESIDENT'S NEW "FAVORITE THING" TO TALK ABOUT, REPLACING HIS
FORMER FAVORITE TOPIC: "DON'T YOU THINK MY DAUGHTER IS HOT?
THE
OOH, PARDON ME."
INSIDERS SAY HE HAS BECOME LAUGH--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "I-- I PARDON MYSELF."
INSIDERS SAY TRUMP HAS BECOME FIXATED ON HIS ABILITY TO ISSUE
PARDONS BECAUSE IT'S ONE AREA WHERE HE HAS ALMOST UNCHECKED
POWER.
AND I'M ACTUALLY OKAY WITH THAT.
IT'S LIKE LETTING YOUR TODDLER PLAY WITH AN ELECTRIC RAZOR.
IT'S GOING TO LOOK CRAZY WHEN IT'S OVER, BUT HE'S HAVING A
GOOD TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE-- OH, THERE'S BIG NEWS
FOR TARIFF FANS!
ANY RIFF HEADS OUT THERE?
LAST WEEK, TRUMP IMPOSED STEEL AND ALUMINUM TARIFFS ON THE
E.U., CANADA, AND MEXICO, ALSO KNOWN AS "THE LEGION OF PEOPLE
WHO STILL LIKE US."
( LAUGHTER ) OR USED TO, BECAUSE THEY ANGRY,
NO ONE MORE SO THAN CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER AND CANADIAN
PRIME BEEF, JUSTIN TRUDEAU.
ON SUNDAY, TRUDEAU THREATENED THAT HIS COUNTRY WAS SLOW TO
ANGER BUT DANGEROUS, LIKE ONE OF THEIR NATIONAL SYMBOLS.
>> I THINK WE'RE MORE OF A MOOSE.
>> YOU'RE THE MOOSE.
>> WE'RE THE MOOSE.
THE MOOSE IS, YOU KNOW, EVEN TEMPERED AND, YOU KNOW, STRONG.
>> Stephen: AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: YOU MESS WITH THE
MOOSE, YOU GET THE-- I GUESS THEY'RE HORNS.
I KNOW THEY'RE LIKE BIG FLOAP PADDLES.
YOU GET THE "HEAD HANDS."
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE COVERED WITH VELVET.
THEY'RE SOFT.
THEY'RE WEIRD.
I THINK THEY'VE GOT VEINS AND STUFF.
AND THE MOOSE IS STRIKING BACK BY IMPOSING THE SAME TARIFFS ON
STEEL AND ALUMINUM IMPORTS.
BUT NOW THEY'VE GONE FARTHER.
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE MAKING IT PERSONAL, BECAUSE LOOK AT
THESE ACTUAL AMERICAN IMPORTS THEY PLAN TO TAX: HAIR LACQUERS.
CLEARLY A SHOT AT DON JR.
THEY'RE GOING AFTER--
YES.
NEXT, THEY'RE GOING AFTER MAYONNAISE, WHICH EVERYONE KNOWS
THAT'S MIKE PENCE'S FAVORITE DRINK.
AND SAILBOATS, MOTORBOATS AND INFLATABLE BOATS.
SO, THERE GOES MELANIA'S ESCAPE PLAN.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE BIGGEST HIT OF ALL IS
THAT CANADA WILL HARSHLY TAX IMPORTS OF MAPLE SYRUP.
THAT'S RIGHT.
CANADA'S GOING AFTER TRUMP'S FAVORITE FOOD: TOPPING.
BUT THE THING THAT REALLY HAS CANADA'S TOQUES IN A TANGLE IS
THAT, IN ORDER TO JUSTIFY THE TARIFFS, DONALD TRUMP HAD TO
ESSENTIALLY DECLARE THAT CANADA IS A SECURITY THREAT TO THE
UNITED STATES.
OH, NO.
IT MAKES SENSE.
NO, NO, IT MAKES SENSE.
HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN ONE OF THEIR QUARTERS WHILE DOING
LAUNDRY?
THAT'S A WAR CRIME.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP'S DECLARATION DIDN'T
SIT WELL WITH TRUDEAU.
TURNS OUT, IN A RECENTLY REVEALED PHONE CALL THAT
HAPPENED LAST MONTH, TRUDEAU PRESSED TRUMP ON HOW HE
COULD JUSTIFY THE TARIFFS AS A NATIONAL SECURITY ISSUE, AND
TRUMP RESPONDED, "DIDN'T YOU GUYS BURN DOWN THE WHITE HOUSE?"
( LAUGHTER ) ADDING, "AND IF YOU DID, TELL ME
HOW YOU DID IT, BECAUSE WHEN MUELLER CLOSES IN, I'M TORCHING
THIS DUMP."
NOW, TRUMP WAS PROBABLY REFERRING TO THE WAR OF 1812,
WHEN, IN ACTUALITY, BRITISH TROOPS BURNED DOWN THE WHITE
HOUSE.
STILL, THAT IS SHOCKINGLY ALMOST ACCURATE.
( LAUGHTER ) SINCE WHEN-- WHEN DOES DONALD
TRUMP KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT AMERICAN HISTORY?
I THOUGHT HIS TIMELINE WENT: "WASHINGTON, LINCOLN, 'HOME
ALONE 2', OBAMA BORN IN KENYA, FREDERICK DOUGLASS, ME."
( LAUGHTER )