- Welcome to story time everybody.
I'm pear.
- And I'm orange.
- Great, what now?
- It's a voice modulator, just got it.
- Awesome, well maybe put it away
because I'm gonna tell the story of Pinocchio,
you wanna hear it?
- Boy would I.
(laughing)
Get it?
Boy, wood, that's a double pun son.
- Well double congrats on being double the annoying.
Now then, you probably know the G-rated Disney version
of Pinocchio but the original story isn't quite
so suitable for children.
(evil laughing)
Orange, would you knock it off?
- Sorry!
- Anyway, the original version of Pinocchio.
Once upon a time there was a carpenter,
one day he brought home a block of wood he planned
to carve into a table leg, when he cut into it,
the block of wood cried out.
- [Orange] Wood, you stop that.
- [Pear] Orange!
- Okay, okay no more voice modulator, I promise.
That was the last one I swear.
- [Pear] Anyway, the carpenter decided
to give the wood block to his neighbor,
a poor puppeteer named Japado,
he carved the wood into a boy puppet
and named him Pinocchio.
- [Orange] Wait, I thought the block
of wood yelled in pain when it got cut.
- [Pear] That's right.
- [Orange] So Japado just ignored the screams
and kept carving it?
He must really hate Pinocchio.
- Japado does not hate Pinocchio.
- Oh yeah?
Then why'd he give a name like Pinocchio?
(laughing)
- Moving on, the moment Japado
finished carving Pinocchio's nose,
it began to grow uncontrollably--
- [Orange] Killing Japado instantly,
they won't tell you that in the Disney version.
- True, they won't because that's not
how any version of the story goes.
- I thought you said this story wasn't suitable for kids.
- I did but--
- [Orange] So let's get some gore up in here,
this is boring!
Lets get to the murder.
- [Pear] Orange!
Pinocchio did not kill anyone with his nose.
- [Orange] Sure he did,
that's why they're called putty noses to this day.
(laughing)
- That was fun, now back to the real story.
Pinocchio was a mischievous little puppet,
as soon as Japado gave him legs--
- [Orange] They grew super long.
- [Pear] No.
- [Orange] His neck grew super long.
- [Pear] No.
- [Orange] His legs started turning noses
and he started stabbing people again.
- [Pear] What?
- [Orange] And this time he was thrice
as deadly 'cause he had three bloody noses.
- That's it, gimme that!
- Hey, gimme back my voice modulator,
don't put my voice modulator in the garbage disposal,
don't turn on the garbage dispos--
(groaning)
- Now, where were we?
As soon as Japado gave him legs, Pinocchio ran away.
- [Orange] Yeah, my version was way better,
what a snooze past.
- [Pear] Speaking of snoozing,
when Pinocchio came home he fell asleep
on the stove and his legs burned off.
- [Orange] What?
Yeah!
- [Pear] But then Japado built him new legs.
(moaning)
Oh, and Pinocchio threw a hammer
at a talking cricket and killed it.
- What?
Pinocchio killed Jiminy Cricket?
Finally we get some murder!
- How did you get another voice modulator?
- I wished for it upon a star, oh wait, missed opportunity.
- Okay, let's wrap this up.
Basically Pinocchio ran off with his new legs
and did a bunch of other mischievous things
and got turned into a donkey.
- [Orange] Ooh, did someone say donkey?
(horse neighing)
- Did that come from your voice modulator?
- Yeah, that one came pre-programmed.
Pretty cool, huh?
- Nope.
Anyway, in the end Pinocchio became a real boy, the end.
- [Orange] Ooh wait, I have that one pre-programmed too.
- [Announcer] The end!
- How many things do you have pre-programmed
into that thing?
- A lot!
You wanna see my favorite?
- Fine.
- Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
(screaming)
(laughing)
(upbeat music)