♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, "WELCOME BACK!
WON'T YOU SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WOOO!
>> Stephen: YOU ALL RIGHT?
>> Jon: WOOO!
OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: YOU ALL RIGHT?
YOU ALL RIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS WEEKEND.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO BE PERFORMING IT'S IN THE "WELCOME
BACK NEW YORK" CONCERT.
WHAT'S IT CALLED AGAIN?
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
IT'S THIS SATURDAY IN CENTRAL PARK.
IT'S A PLETHORA OF MUSICAL STARS OUT THERE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO-- I WILL BE THERE BY THE WAY.
I WILL BE THERE AND I WILL SEE YOU.
>> Jon: I HEARD YOU MIGHT BE SINGING A SONG.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: ♪ MORE THAN A WOMAN TO ME ♪
>> Jon: YEAH, COME ON!
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT SONG I MIGHT BE
SINGING?
BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
>> Jon: WELL, I'LL SEE YOU THERE AND WE'LL FIND OUT
TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S A DEAL.
THAT'S A DEAL.
YOU AND I WILL IMPROVISE.
WE'LL SCAT.
OKAY.
FOLKS, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO STICK AROUND A LITTLE BIT LATER,
BECAUSE AMERICA'S BRITISH SWEETHEART, DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS
HERE.
HE'S GOING TO BE RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
ALWAYS-- ALWAYS A DELIGHT.
ALWAYS A DELIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND, YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
OVER THERE, CAREFULLY HARVESTING THE HIGHEST-QUALITY ORGANIC ACAI
NEWS BERRIES, PUTTING THEM INTO MY CURRENT EVENTS BLENDER, THEN
PULSING ON HIGH UNTIL THEY'VE BECOME A SMOOTH PURPLE PUREE OF
STORIES TO BE PILED WITH GRANOLA, CHIA SEEDS, AND SLICED
JOKE BANANAS, TO MAKE THE HIGH-PRICED, ARTISANAL SMOOTHIE
BOWL OF NEWS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I LIKE TO SCROUNGE
TOGETHER SOME EXPIRED KALE FROM THE BACK OF THE FRIDGE, MIX IT
WITH THE FERMENTING ORANGE SLICES LEFT IN THE BACK SEAT
AFTER LAST WEEK'S LITTLE LEAGUE GAME, AND AN APPLE CORE I FOUND
INSIDE A COFFEE CUP, THEN PULVERIZE IT ALL IN A LEAKY
NUTRI-BULLET TO MAKE THE PRISON TOILET GREEN JUICE OF NEWS THAT
IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A GIFT FROM THE LORD IS WHAT THIS IS.
MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT, UNLIKE ANIMALS LIKE DOGS,
"CATS PREFER TO GET FREE MEALS OVER WORKING FOR THEIR FOOD."
WAIT!
DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT AN ANIMAL THAT SLEEPS 23 HOURS AND
56 MINUTES A DAY WOULD RATHER NOT WORK?
( LAUGHTER )
CONCLUSION AFTER THEY PRESENTED FELINES WITH AN EASILY
ACCESSIBLE TRAY OF FOOD AND A SIMPLE-TO-SOLVE FOOD PUZZLE, AND
MOST OF THE CATS OPTED FOR THE TRAY.
WHILE THE REST OF THE CATS OPTED FOR THEIR BUTT.
( LAUGHTER )
NEWS, A SLICE OF CHARLES AND DIANA'S 1981 WEDDING CAKE HAS
SOLD AT AUCTION FOR OVER $2,500.
NOW, THAT'S A HEFTY PRICE TAG, BUT THERE IS NO BETTER GIFT IF
YOU WANT TO TELL THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE, "THIS IS ALL A SHAM,
AND I'M IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE."
( LAUGHTER )
STUDY, CONTRARY TO CONVENTIONAL WISDOM, METABOLISM DOESN'T SLOW
DOWN IN MIDDLE AGE.
HOWEVER, ACCORDING TO FIELD RESEARCH CONDUCTED BY A RENOWNED
MIDDLE-AGED TALK SHOW HOST, "YES IT DOES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ MEANWHILE, IN WEIRD COMBO NEWS,
DOLLY PARTON IS SET TO RELEASE HER FIRST NOVEL WITH BESTSELLING
AUTHOR JAMES PATTERSON-- HOPEFULLY MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN
THEIR ALBUM OF DUETS: "ONLY ONE OF US CAN SING."
( LAUGHTER )
ALCOHOL TO THE MENU.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ).
>> Jon: OH, NO.
>> Stephen: OH, YOU APPLAUD NOW.
BUT WAIT UNTIL IT'S COMBINED WITH THEIR NEW BREAKFAST
SPECIAL, THE
ROOKY TOOKY SLOSHED AND PUKEY.
STILL SOUNDS GOOD.
THERE ARE NO BAD PANCAKES.
MEANWHILE, IN MEMORY IMPROVEMENT NEWS, FECAL TRANSPLANTS MAY
REVERSE BRAIN AGING IN MICE.
UNFORTUNATELY, THOSE MICE WILL NOW ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT THEY
GOT A FECAL TRANSPLANT.
( LAUGHTER )
A TRUCK CARRYING JACK DANIEL'S BOTTLES CRASHED IN COLUMBUS,
OHIO.
FIRST RESPONDERS RUSHED TO THE SCENE WITH BITTERS, ORANGE
PEELS, AND MARASCHINO CHERRIES.
( LAUGHTER )
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION SAID THE BOTTLES WERE EMPTY AT
THE TIME OF THE CRASH.
AND THE DRIVER ADDED, "YES...
THEY WERE ALL EMPTY BEFORE THE TRASH..."
MEANWHILE, APPARENTLY THERE ARE A "'HORRIFYING' NUMBER OF
SYPHILIS INFECTIONS IN ALBERTA."
WHAT IS "UP," ALBERTA?!
AND WATCH OUT, SASKATCHEWAN.
YOU KEEP RUBBING UP AGAINST THAT, AND YOU MIGHT GET AN
INFECTION IN YOUR REGINA.
( LAUGHTER )
MAY BE RUNNING RAMPANT BECAUSE OF "THE POPULARITY OF SOCIAL
MEDIA APPS BEING USED FOR DATING," AND "PEOPLE MAY ALSO BE
TAKING FEWER PRECAUTIONS AND USING CONDOMS LESS FREQUENTLY."
THIS, DESPITE CANADA'S NATIONWIDE SEXUAL HEALTH
CAMPAIGN: "MANSLUT THE MOOSE SAYS: PUT A TOQUE ON YOUR HOCKEY
STICK, EH?"
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DANIEL RADCLIFFE.
♪ ♪ ♪