Today is day six of the Paul Manafort trial.
Now, remember, Paul Manafort
is Donald Trump's former campaign manager
and evil husband in a Lifetime movie.
Well, anyway, thanks to the Mueller investigation,
he is now on trial for tax crimes and money laundering.
And things aren't going well for him.
Because this week, prosecutors brought Rick Gates
to the witness stand, and Gates has been
Paul Manafort's right-hand man for years.
And on top of that, he worked
as the deputy campaign manager for Donald Trump.
So, he knows where the bodies are buried.
And, yesterday, he dug them up.
Robert Mueller's star witness,
Rick Gates, taking the stand
against former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort.
NEWSMAN: Rick Gates becoming the first Trump campaign official
to confess his crimes on the witness stand.
Asked by the prosecution...
His reply...
Asked...
Gates again responding...
Well, that was easy.
They were like, "Uh, did you guys do the crimes?"
and he was like, "Yeah. Yeah."
I'm not gonna lie, I was hoping for a bit more courtroom drama.
You know? Like, I thought, like, they'd tell him to confess,
and he'd deny it, and then they would be like,
"Well, we've got a surprise witness: your twin brother!"
"Oh...!"
Or, like, Tom Cruise would have shown up and be like,
"You can't handle the truth!"
And we'd be like, "Wow, Tom Cruise does his own stunts!"
But the proceedings weren't that exciting.
Although for Manafort, it must have been really wild,
because every moment that Gates was on the stand,
things just got worse and worse.
NEWSMAN: Another stunning confession: Gates admitting
he also stole hundreds of thousands of dollars
from Manafort while working for him.
Yo...
I'm sorry, for me, this is hilarious.
Like, he's confessing to stealing
from the same guy that he was committing crimes with.
Like, Manafort must have been so mad,
but also at the same time, so proud. You know?
Yeah, 'cause on the one hand, Gates stole money from him,
but on the other hand, he clearly learned
everything that Manafort taught him.
It's like if, at the end of Karate Kid,
Daniel-san kicked the shit out of Mr. Miyagi.
He's like, "Wax these nuts, old man! Waah!"
So, like, every day in this trial,
there has been another explosive revelation.
Just today, Gates confessed that he also may have stolen
from Trump's inauguration committee.
Yeah. And not just the money,
I think he took some of the people, too.
How else could you explain that?
-How?! -(cheering, applause)
Like, so much crazy shit has been going on in this trial
that people didn't even notice that there's been a giant butt
in the courtroom this entire time.
Why isn't anyone talking about the giant butt?!
What is it doing in there?
Is it twerking against the witness stand?
Is it connected to Russia somehow?
We need answers!
All right, sorry. Let's get back to Gates' testimony.
So, with Gates... All right, one more thing, though.
How come I can see through the butt?
Like, is it a ghost butt?
How do you get rid of a ghost butt?
Are they ghost butt busters? Huh?
Or is it pronounced "ghost butt-sters"?
I see butt people.
Sorry, where was I? Now, uh...
What's interesting about this trial
is that it's not the Russia investigation.
Don't forget that. This is not the Russia investigation.
But it came from the Russia investigation.
And Robert Mueller is hoping that it'll lead back
to the Russia investigation.
NEWSWOMAN: Now, Special Counsel Robert Mueller had been hoping
that Manafort would flip and offer to share
anything he knew about alleged Russian involvement
in the Trump campaign,
but so far he has not been willing to cooperate.
The main purpose of this trial
from the overarching Mueller investigation
is to get Paul Manafort to flip.
Man, Robert Mueller is cold-blooded.
He doesn't even care about you.
He's just catching the small fish as a way to get to Trump.
You know, this whole thing reminds me of a song
my mother used to sing to me as a kid
about the Russia investigation.
The song used to go, they go, ♪ The Gates bone's connected ♪
♪ To the Manafort bone ♪
♪ And the Manafort bone's connected ♪
♪ To the Russia bone ♪
♪ And the Russia bone's connected ♪
♪ To the Trump bone, and Trump was boning Stormy Daniels ♪
♪ And that's my song. ♪
(laughter)
(cheering, applause)
Weird, weird songs growing up.
So as it stands, Mueller seems to have a tight case,
Manafort's partner in crime has turned on him,
and there is a butt in the courtroom.
Or maybe balls. It doesn't matter, though.
The point is...
why isn't Manafort snitching on Trump?
Well, because it turns out Manafort has a plan-afort.
NEWSWOMAN: Sources tell CBS News
Manafort expects a presidential pardon
if he is found guilty.
Ah, yes, the presidential pardon.
We forget, Trump hands out pardons
like a Klan member handing out candy.
He's pardoned Sheriff Arpaio,
Dinesh D'Souza, and just last week he let Thanos off the hook.
He was like, "He disintegrated people on both sides, folks.
Both sides. Fair guy."
So now the big question is,
would Donald Trump really pardon a convicted criminal
just to save his own ass?
And is it the same ass from the courtroom?
The answer to at least one of those questions is yes.