[BACKGROUND SOUNDS]
KENNEDY: ALL RISE.
I THINK IT’S THREE, I DON’T
KNOW.
HERE IS TONIGHT’S EDITION OF
KENNEDY’S COURT WHERE IF YOU DO
THE CRIME, WE’LL HAVE A GOOD
I’M.
I’LL READ SOME CRAZY CRIME
HEADLINES.
MIKE CHASE, OUR OFFICIAL DEFENSE
ATTORNEY, IS GOING TO PLAY
DEFENSE ATTORNEY AND TRY TO GET
THESE CRACKPOTS OUT OF THE
CLINK.
JOE AND ABBY WILL ACT AS JURY
AND EXPLAIN WHY THEY THINK THE
SUSPECT IS GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY.
AS JUDGE, I DELIVER THE FINAL
VERDICT AND SENTENCING.
THE COURT IS NOW IN SESSION.
ARE YOU READY FOR CASE NUMBER
ONE, MIKE?
>> YES, YOUR HONOR.
KENNEDY: MISSISSIPPI MAN BITES
OFF MAN’S NOSE DURING AN
ARGUMENT OVER A GOLF GAME.
MARK WELLS HAD BEEN FIGHTING
WITH ANOTHER MAN ABOUT A GOLF
GAME THEY PLAYED PREVIOUSLY WHEN
HE BIT OFF THE VICTIM’S NOSE AND
FLED THE SCENE.
THE NOSE WAS NEVER RECOVERED.
MARK IS FACING UP TO SEVEN YEARS
FOR FELONY MAYHEM.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE
JURY, WHAT WAS HE DOING WITH HIS
NOSE THAT CLOSE TO SOMEBODY’S
MOUTH, OKAY?
I THINK THIS IS A SELF-DEFENSE
CASE.
IF YOU PUT THE TIP OF YOUR NOSE
THAT CLOSE TO SOMEBODY’S MOUTH,
I THINK YOU ARE ASKING FOR IT.
IT’S KIND OF LIKE THE STAND YOUR
GROUND RULE ONLY A LITTLE MORE
UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL.
KENNEDY: STAND YOUR NOSE.
>> STAND YOUR NOSE, STAND YOUR
MOUTH, WHOEVERS.
BUT I THINK GOLF DESPERATELY
NEEDS THIS KIND OF EXCITEMENT,
SO I THINK THEY’RE BRING
SOMETHING FRESH AND EXCITING, I
THINK HE SHOULD BE ACQUITTED FOR
THAT REASON.
KENNEDY: YEAH, I THINK LIV GOLF
IS GOING TO HAVE THAT INSTEAD OF
SUDDEN DEATH CAN.
ABBY, GUILTY OR INNOCENT?
>> MAYBE THE GUY WAS JUST
SMELLING HIM BECAUSE HE SMELLED
GOOD, I THINK HE’S GUILTY.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO DEFEND
YOURSELF IF SOMEONE’S SNIFFING
YOU, THAT’S YOUR OWN FAULT.
KENNEDY: ASK VICE PRESIDENT JOE
BIDEN.
>> EXACTLY.
[LAUGHTER]
>> I THINK IF WE HAD TO GO TO
THE PRECEDENT OF MISSISSIPPI’S
SNIFF YOUR GROUND LAW.
THE QUESTION TO ME IS WHEN HE
BIT THE NOSE OFF, WAS IT TO
SPITE HIS FACE?
[LAUGHTER]
THAT’S WHAT THIS CASE THINGS ON.
KENNEDY: IT REALLY DOES.
IS SO GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?
>> I’M GOING TO SAY GUILTY WITH
A GOOD EXCUSE.
KENNEDY: ALL RIGHT.
SO HE IS GUILTY, MIKE.
AND HE HAS TO HAVE HIS OWN NOSE
REMOVED.
>> I CAN’T WIN ’EM ALL.
KENNEDY: AND HE HAS TO LIVE LIKE
THAT, AND HE DOES NOT GET TO OWN
A CHIMP.
SO THERE YOU GO.
THAT’S CASE NUMBER ONE.
THAT’S DONE.
IN THE BOOKS.
CASE NUMBER TWO, MICHIGAN WOMAN
ARRESTED FOR SKIPPING ITEMS AT
WAL-MART’S SELF-CHECKOUT
IDENTIFIED BY A.I.
34-YEAR-OLD TEDDY JO MURRAY IS
ACCUSED OF STEALING MORE THAN
$1,000 WORTH OF GOODS FROM
WALMART IF OVER A PERIOD OF
MONTHS BY SKIPPING ITEMS DURING
THE SHELL CHECKOUT PROCESS.
SHE WAS CAUGHT BY THE COMPANY’S
A.I. LOSS PREVENTION SYSTEM
WHICH RETRACED HER ENTIRE
HISTORY OF THEFT.
SHE’S CHARGED WITH FIRST-CREE
RETAIL FRAUD.
>> I’M EXCITED ABOUT THIS CASE.
THIS IS AN EASY SAYS BECAUSE
EVERY PERSON IN THAT JURY BOX,
RIGHT, THEY’RE MAD FOR THE SAME
REASON THAT I AM.
THIS SUPERMARKET CHAIN GOT RID
OF CASHIERS BECAUSE THEY WERE
TRYING TO SAVE MONEY, BUT THEY
SPENT ALL THIS MONEY ON A FANCY
A.I. SYSTEM THAT COULD THEN
TRACK THIS PERSON DOWN?
I’M SORRY, I THINK IT’S THE
EMPTY CHAIR DEFENSE.
THE SUPERMARKET SHOULD BE ON
TRIAL.
IT’S THEIR FAULT.
KENNEDY: YEAH.
AND NO RED LIGHT CAMERAS.
ABBY?
GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?
>> BASED A OFF OF THAT LETTER WE
READ EARLIER, IT’S PROBABLY THE
SUPERMARKET’S FAULT JUST LIKE
IT’S THE CAR COMPANY’S FAULT,
ACCORDING TO THEM, AND IT LOOKS
LIKE SHE STILL HAS AN ITEM IN
THAT BUN --
[LAUGHTER]
SO IF IT’S THAT EASY THE STEAL,
YOU CAN’T BLAME THE THIEF.
KENNEDY: SHE HAS COCKROACHES IN
HER BEEHIVE.
THEY’VE EATEN HER BRAIN.
JOE?
>> I I SAY NOT GUILTY BECAUSE
YOU’RE OBLIGATED TO FLEE THE
SCENE OF ANY CRIME, AND IF A. I.
CAN TRACK ANY HISTORY YOU HAVE
AT WAL-MART, THAT’S YOUR OWN
POOR CHOICES COMING BACK, YOU
SHOULD NOT HAVE A WALMART
HISTORY.
KEN ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WELL SAID, SHE’S NOT GUILTY.
GOOD JOB, MIKE, YOU’RE 1-1.
LET’S SEE IF YOU CAN IMPROVE
YOUR ODDS WITH THIS.
CASE NUMBER THREE, OHIO MOM
ARRESTED FOR ALLOWING
10-YEAR-OLD SON TO GET A
TATTOOED BY A TEENAGER.
34-YEAR-OLD NICKI DIXON WAS
CHARGED WITH FIRST-DEGREE
MISDEMEANOR CHILD ENDANGERMENT
FOR ALLOWING A TEENAGER TO A
TATTOO HER OR 10-YEAR-OLD
BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED OF HIM
BEGGING TO GET INKED.
THE TEENAGER VIDEOED THE SESSION
AND POSTED IT TO FACEBOOK.
IT’S NOT ILLEGAL TO A TATTOO A
10-YEAR-OLD IN OHIO, POLICE SAY
THE TEENAGER’S HOME DID NOT MEET
NECESSARY SAFETY AND SANITARY
CONDITIONS.
THE SAME TEENAGER IS ACCUSED OF
TATTOOING SOMEONE ELSE WHO LATER
CONTRACTED A STAPH INFECTION.
>> THIS IS BUREAUCRATS MEDDLING
IN OUR PRIVATE AFFAIRS AGAIN.
IT’S A HEALTH AND SAFETY
STANDARD.
WHAT I’M GOING TO DO IS I’M
GOING TO TAKE THIS TO TRIAL, AND
I’M GOING TO CALL ALL OF THIS
10-YEAR-OLD’S CLASSMATES UP.
THIS IS NOT CHILD ENDANGERMENT.
HE WAS PROBABLY THE COOLEST KID
IN SCHOOL.
I’M GOING TO HAVE THESE OTHER
10-YEAR-OLDS TESTIFY ABOUT HOW
AWESOME HE LOOKED WITH HIS NEW
INK.
AND THIS IS NOT CHILD
ENCARRIAGEMENT, THIS IS THE
CHILD ENHANCEMENT, IS MY
ARGUMENT, SO SHE GETS THE COOL
MOM AWARD.
IT’S THE COOL MOM DEFENSE.
[LAUGHTER]
KENNEDY: ABBY?
>> I CAN’T GIVE MY ANSWER
BECAUSE I HAVEN’T SEEN A PICTURE
OF THE TATTOO.
I THINK THIS CASE NEEDS TO BE
THROWN OUT.
KENNEDY: IT’S A GIANT EAGLE ON
HIS NECK, AND THEN ON HIS CHEST
IT SAYS LIVE FREE OR DIE.
>> THAT’S ONE YOU U.S.ED -- USED
TO HAVE AT UCLA.
KENNEDY: THAT’S MY BOY!
>> I THINK WE THROW THIS ONE OUT
BECAUSE, I AGREE, THERE’S
NOTHING MORE -- THE ONLY THING
MORE BAD ASS THAN A 10-YEAR-OLD
WITH A TATTOO AND A 10-YEAR-OLD
WITH AN INFECTED A TATTOO.
KENNEDY: DO WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE
MORE?
NORTH CAROLINA MAN LOSESES
FINGER IN AN ATTEMPTEDDED
BURGLARY.
HE STRUGGLED WITH AND FIRED A
SHOT AT THE HOMEOWNER.
THE STRUGGLE ENDED WHEN THE
HOMEOWNER SLAMMED THE FRONT DOOR
ON VERNON’S HAND, HE LOST HIS
FINGER WITH HIS GLOVE, AND
VERNON -- POLICE USED FINGER TO
CATCH AND CHARGE VERNON.
>> OKAY, LOOK, WHO’S MORE
COURAGEOUS, THE PERSON WHO
DIDN’T COMPLETE A ROBBERY OR THE
PERSON WHO CHOPPED THEIR FINGER
OFF9 WITH THE DOOR?
NO HARM, NO FOUL, FEED THE
FINGER TO MY CLIENT THAT ATE THE
NOSE, AND IT’S ALL FINE.
KENNEDY: ABBY, GUILTY, NOT
GUILTY?
>> I SAY GUILTY.
KENNEDY: I SAY NOT GUILTY.
KENNEDY: NOT GUILTY.
WELL CONE, EVERYBODY.