- Ohh.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
(he laughs)
I don't get it.
Now personally, I don't think there's anything funny
about the legal profession,
but these so-called comic artists
think that they can besmirch my chosen profession.
Well, I'm not going to stand for it
and I'm going to react to the best and worst legal comics.
(bright music)
"Must be nice working in a big fancy office."
"Must be nice to breathe fresh air,
experience direct sunlight
and have a job with clear instructions."
Oh no.
Oh boy.
I mean, yeah. (laughs)
I mean, especially starting out.
You're a young associate at a big law firm.
I always had a window in my office.
A lot of my friends were on the inside of an office building
with no direct sunlight.
- For now, why don't you go ahead
and get yourself a flashlight and a can of pesticide and...
- Excuse me?
Excuse me?
- And believe it or not,
it's not the part about being outdoors
that's the worst part or being stuck inside.
It's the lack of clear instructions.
You have no idea what you're supposed to be doing
for like eight years and you're just learning on the job.
So yeah, I feel this and yeah,
I wish that there was a better way to give instructions
to young associates.
"My client cannot possibly be guilty of baby murder.
Justice is a fallacious platonic ideal
we received via Christianity's embrace of Greek thought
in the Middle Ages."
There's a reason no one hires philosophy majors.
(he laughs)
I'll have to tell that to PhilosophyTube and WiseCrack.
Oh man.
Yeah.
Sometimes, you can win an argument
and still lose the argument,
and if you make these kind of arguments, you're gonna lose.
Also, we just saw this in the first episode of "She-Hulk"
where someone was making this like sophist argument.
"What's the definition of knowing?
And yeah, my client killed all these people
but it was a business deal!"
Like even if that was legally persuasive,
it's not rhetorically persuasive,
and you're you're gonna lose your case.
Birds sleeping.
(beeps)
"Sorry I'm late.
There were some problems with a witness and I had to file...
I'm not a lawyer, am I?"
"I don't think so."
"Thank God, I was totally unprepared."
(he laughs)
Oh no.
Oh, that really hits home.
I have to say, the most stressful part
about being a practicing trial lawyer is not losing a case
or going up against some bigwig at another law firm.
It's really being unprepared,
and specifically, missing some jurisdictional deadline.
You wake up in a cold sweat,
hoping that court isn't gonna throw out your case.
Like for example, if you have a hearing in Orange County
and you're in Santa Monica
and you set your alarm for PM instead of AM
and then you wake up at 9 o'clock
and the hearing's at 9:30 and you know,
then you have to pray that some of your colleagues
are in Orange County.
Luckily one of your partners is in Santa Ana,
so you give them a call
and plead with them to show up in court
so that your case doesn't get thrown out.
Yeah, I mean that's never happened to me,
but I can imagine how that might happen to somebody else
and how that would be a very stressful situation
if you're not prepared or you don't show up to court.
So yeah, this poor bird.
Luckily he's not a lawyer
and doesn't have any of those responsibilities. (laughs)
Professional life.
"No, we will not agree to the sneaky provision
you tried to bury in section 15(d) of the agreement."
Personal life.
"Do I agree to the 35 page terms and conditions
to play Animal Crossing?
Fast scroll and accept!
Gimme the game!" (laughs)
Now there are some issues with contracts of adhesion
but for the most part, these contracts
tend to be enforceable and yeah,
just gimme the Animal Crossing.
In one of the best episodes of "South Park",
really one of the best episodes of comedy ever
is where they talk about someone who oh,
did not read all the terms and conditions
before they signed it.
And I won't spoil what happens in that episode,
but it's absolutely brilliant.
Definitely worth watching
and a great satire of the whole legal industry.
- 83 pounds, Kyle. Let's get the blood work.
- You can't do that!
- You agreed we could tell you all the blood we needed.
- What are you talking about?
- When you downloaded the last iTunes update,
a window on your screen popped up
and asked you if you agreed to our terms and conditions.
You clicked "agree".
All right, let's get him to the water tank.
- "A cat killer?
Is that the face of a cat killer?
Cat chaser maybe.
But hey, who is isn't?"
Man, I miss "The Far Side".
So good.
I think there's a problem with this jury.
It's a dog representing another dog in a jury full of cats.
The judge is a presiding cat.
Everyone in the gallery is a cat.
This is completely unfair.
I will not stand for this injustice!
"I object.
Counsel is trying to confuse the jury
with the intent of the law,
completely ignoring the loopholes and technicalities."
(he laughs)
So sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes the law is written in such a way
that it's supposed to have loopholes and technicalities.
But also, I have to take issue with this particular comic.
You're not going to be arguing the law in front of the jury.
This is something that you'd only argue to the judge.
The jury doesn't get to decide the law.
The law is given to them.
That's what jury instructions are for.
Which is why people hate lawyers
and no TV shows are accurate
because it's day-to-day super boring.
Super boring.
"I'll close this deal in a three minute montage,
spend quality time with my kids
and still have time for a steamy side romance."
"How does anyone have time to do anything?" (laughs)
Being a TV lawyer definitely seems like it's a better job.
And also, on TV, they're never writing any kinds of briefs.
They're never doing legal research.
They're just showing up to court
with no preparation whatsoever,
having done none of the briefing
and they expect to win their case.
I mean "She-Hulk", that we saw just a few weeks ago
was so bad at this.
Legal inaccuracies make Devin mad.
And in real life, you don't have time for everything.
It's just (sighs).
"I thought I was guilty
until my lawyer straightened me out on that." (laughs)
So, all right. Funny.
But there are a number of clients
who will come to you thinking
that they might have done something wrong or not being sure.
One of my partners said that any lawyer can tell a client
not to do something,
but a great lawyer will tell them that they can.
Because it's just so easy to say,
"No, it's legally irresponsible."
But to really put your reputation on the line
and say that yes, you can do something,
that's what lawyers really get paid for.
And that's top tier lawyering.
- Sweet!
- No, it has to be true.
You have to have a legal basis to say
that you can do something when someone is worried about it.
But that's the real trick as a lawyer.
Law firm partner, 3:00 AM.
Law firm associate, 3:00 AM.
"Did I accidentally insert an extra comma
in section 8.13(K) of the stock purchase agreement?"
Oh my God.
You get so in depth in these contracts.
And yeah, you'll have nightmares about a missing comma,
one tiny missing word, a wrong indentation.
It'll absolutely give you nightmares.
This comic definitely seems to know
the legal practice pretty well.
"This lawyer has been injured.
Does anyone speak legalese?" (laughs)
I don't get it.
The lawyer's injured.
Why would they speak a different language?
I think that one could be better.
"Don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings.
I'm a lawyer."
I resemble that remark.
Lawyers have feelings, allegedly.
You can, you know, make us hurt.
Theoretically, it's possible.
Allegedly speaking.
No, that being said,
maybe we don't exactly wear our hearts on our sleeves
because we're constantly fighting people all day,
including sometimes our clients.
So, you know, all right, maybe there is some truth to that.
"Fine, I'll get up and feed you.
No need to get the lawyers involved."
Damn cats.
Cats are clearly the most litigious
of all the animals in the animal kingdom.
Just jerks.
(relaxing music)
(smashing glass)
"No, I said paralegals."
(he laughs)
All right, let's go LegalEagles.
(eagle cry)
"Could you draft these terms into a contract?
I trust your lawyerly expertise on this."
"Oh, absolutely.
You are in great hands with me."
"How to draft a contract", a few minutes later.
Oh no.
Okay, I don't know if I should admit this
but I'm teaching a class at the Georgetown Law School.
I've been teaching it for a couple years now.
And I was talking to the class.
What's the first thing that you would do
when you would research this particular topic
that we were talking about?
And they answered, oh, I would go on WestLaw
and do case law research.
I go on Lexus Nexus and I'd find the statutory authority,
you know, et cetera, et cetera.
And I told them, really, the first thing that you should do,
there's no shame in it, just Google it.
Totally legitimate.
Sometimes there's good stuff out there.
It costs the client nothing.
Whereas a lot of these databases are really expensive
to run searches.
And you can't trust it, you have to check it.
But search Google first.
Why not?
"As with any lawsuit, you'll go through seven stages:
anger, denial, bargaining, tantrums, hostages,
acceptance, bankruptcy." (laughs)
The number of clients who have come to me and said,
"I'm going to fight this all the way
to the Supreme Court", only to turn around
and not even file a suit when I say that,
"Okay, great. So it's gonna cost you
thousands of dollars an hour.
It's going to take thousands of hours to take this case
to a verdict, let alone to appeal and beyond."
Yeah, this is very accurate that many cases
end in bankruptcy, 'cause people have no idea
how much it costs.
They're angry, they think it's worth fighting,
until they see the price tag.
And then they are absolutely done
and let bygones be bygones.
"Perhaps you'd like to rephrase your last answer."
Oh, it's Pinocchio! (laughs)
Yeah, that's a terrible witness.
Terrible witness right there.
"Actually, I'm a litigator." (laughs)
That's just a solid pun.
I'll allow it. Fantastic.
Big law fail.
"Associate #21, where's your markup of the merger documents?
You said you'd have it by the end of the day."
"Right, I meant like 11:59 PM." (laughs)
That's so true.
And the funny thing is,
what happens is you send an email at 11:59PM saying,
"Oh, I'm almost done."
And really there's no point in me sending it at midnight
so I'll send it to you by 7:00AM the next day.
So you get to work through the night on that thing.
That is so accurate.
It's so accurate.
"Oh no." "What is it?"
"The human filter isn't working."
"What are you gonna tell the judge?"
"Don't worry, I got this.
I'm not a cat." (laughs)
Oh, that was so good.
What a great moment for all of us in the pandemic
to just sit there and laugh at the poor guy
with the cat filter on his Zoom.
- I'm here live.
I'm not a cat.
- And the human filter for cats, that's very crafty.
I like it.
It was a cat the whole time.
- You've gotta be kidding me.
- Ha!
- "Bad news is you're to be executed at dawn.
Good news is your executioner isn't a morning person."
Ooh, that's dark.
That is quite dark.
"Let's review each other's briefs
and make our oral arguments."
Appellate lawyers flirting.
Ohh.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
I mean, if you get it, you get it.
(inhales audibly)
I think these two are in for some
sua sponte in flagrante delicto.
Ooh, that is..
They're going to moot each other all night. (laughs)
I'm so uncomfortable right now. (laughs)
"Your work is riddled with typos and other unmentionables."
"I thought you said I could send a draft?"
"When I said 'send a draft', I mean send the final document
I can hang in the Sistine Chapel."
So many people make this mistake and yeah,
when a partner says "send a draft",
what they mean is send an absolute perfect document
and then they'll just redline the hell out of it anyway.
But yeah, draft does not mean draft.
(laughs) So many people make this mistake.
Oh and that gives rise to the email
where you just reply back and say, "Please fix."
Which means this whole document is horrible.
You've gotta change everything about it.
When you see "please fix",
that's like the worst thing that you can possibly get
as a responsive email.
(minion wails)
"I only have a few minutes
to grab a quick lunch near the office.
Who are all these people enjoying themselves
leisurely on a weekday? Don't they have jobs?!"
Yeah. Yeah.
Especially when you're practicing in LA,
and I swear like 90% of the people in LA
don't have regular jobs.
Here in DC at least, most people have jobs
and they're on a regular schedule.
But man, you just walk outside in LA and everyone is,
I don't know, surfing and riding a skateboard
and having a good time.
Just jerks.
- Occupation?
- Surfer.
- Is that a job, surfer?
- Not really.
- "Your honor, my client would like to plead the sith."
(he laughs)
Yeah, you can do that
but it looks like you're pretty guilty.
Like you sliced a Jedi in half.
(lightsabers hum)
I imagine in the Star Wars world, if you plead the sith,
you probably can't take that as self-incrimination
against your defendant.
So I bet in a galaxy far, far away,
this is non prejudicial, pleading the sith.
(Star Wars opening soundtrack)
Now if these comic lawyers were real lawyers,
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