Wake up, prisoner!
It's 6:30 AM and that means it's time to rise and shine.
You better not be a sleeping beauty either, or a guard will be happy to provide the assistance
you need to exit your bed.
Now hurry up, you've got exactly 20 minutes to make yourself presentable and get your
cell squared away.
That means cleaning your sink, toilet, sweeping your cell, wiping down your cell bars, washing
your face and ass and getting dressed.
Then you better make sure that every single authorized item in your cell is in exactly
its proper place, or you'll be skipping breakfast to have a nice chat with several of the friendly
guards, who'll help motivate you to clean your cell up properly after they trash it
thoroughly.
You better be working quietly too, prisoner- you know the warden's very strict code of
silence.
You will chat only during assigned leisure hours, the rest of the day you will speak
only when spoken to by an officer, is that understood?!
That was a question from an officer, dummy, you're allowed to speak this one time- now
get those lips flapping with an honest, “Yes Sir!” and pretend you got the respect your
mother didn't raise you with!
6:50 AM prisoner, and that means you better be standing at attention in front of your
cell door.
It's time for the daily count, and until every single one of your fellow prisoners are accounted
for you won't be getting so much as a crumb of bread to eat.
And you better not scratch that itchy nose either, or you can expect a quick rap on the
knuckles with a nightstick.
Did I give you permission to move, prisoner?!
Your cell doors are opening, which means you better briskly step out of your cell and turn
to your left, facing the chow hall.
No chatting in the ranks!
If I hear one single further peep out of you prisoner you'll be buying yourself a one-way
ticket to the Oriental.
Oh, you're new here?
That's the little nickname me and the warden got for a special cell over in D block just
for prisoners like you.
You'll be stripped naked and shoved into a windowless room with a hole in the floor for
you to relieve yourself in.
Close those ranks up!
Line up single file!
Move out, prisoners!
It's 7 AM and if you want chow you better move briskly!
You will remain in an orderly line in my chow hall, and you will remain silent as a church
mouse, with your hands firmly on your tray as you are served.
Lucky for you, you're in Alcatraz- not only is this the most secure prison in the United
States, but the authorities actually believe that a good, tasty meal is vital for rehabilitation.
So count your blessings, scumbag!
Because while other prisoners are eating watered down oatmeal, you're getting a full serving
of biscuits and gravy, cereal, scrambled eggs, fruit, and toast!
Alright, you've got your tray, prisoner, now move to your table nice and orderly.
You will set your tray down in front of you and sit with your hands at your sides.
20 minutes to eat, dirt bags, you better make 'em count!
There's no doggy bags in my prison, and if I catch any of you sneaking food back to your
cell that's a week stay in the hole.
As soon as you've finished eating this delicious meal the good, hardworking taxpayers of America
have graciously provided for you, you will place your knife on the left side of your
tray, the fork in the center, and the spoon on the right.
Then sit quietly with- I said knife on left, spoon right!
Good lord boy, how dumb do they grow them down there in Arkansas?
As I was saying, you'll sit quietly once more with your hands at your side like good little
boys until a guard has inspected each of your trays.
Alright, 7:20 AM, time to report to your details.
You will exit my dining facility in the same quiet, orderly fashion that you entered.
Individual guards will escort you to your assigned details.
Some of you will go to work in the laundry, washing and folding the thousands of sheets
and prison uniforms in need of cleaning.
Others will go to the tailor shop to sew up patches and fixes to those same sheets and
uniforms.
There's some guard uniforms in there too, you better do the best damn sewing job of
your life on those or you'll be taking cold meals in your cell alone from here on out.
The rest of you will be assigned to various other shops including the cobblers and model
shop where you'll repair shoes and conduct basic maintenance respectively.
Those of you without any usable life skills will either end up gardening or doing general
labor.
You better be in your shop and ready by 7:30 AM for, you guessed it, another count.
So hands at your side and stand at attention as your shop foreman finishes the count and
phones it in.
Now get to work!
You're not living in my maximum security resort and day spa for free!
Alright, dirtbags, it's 9:30 AM and you've earned yourself an eight minute smoke break.
Hey!
You know the regulations, inmate, no groups bigger than three!
So break it up and find another designated smoking area for your break.
9:38 AM, back to your shops for another count!
Then get back to work, ladies- what do you need, a personally hand-written invitation?!
11:30 AM, feeling hungry yet?
You better be, because it's lunch time.
Line up for the count, then follow your assigned officers to the recreation yard to prepare
to fall in to chow!
It's 11:40 AM, ladies, you know the drill.
You got 20 minutes to eat, and I better not hear anything but forks and spoons scraping
the bottom of plates.
You can thank your fellow inmates and kitchen staff for that fresh baked bread and fried
porkchops, and you better be writing thank you letters to the American taxpayer for providing
such delicious meals every day- you definitely don't deserve it, scumbags!
It's 12 noon, you better be lined up inside of your cells facing out and I better not
hear a single peep out of any of you while the count's being conducted.
Heaven forbid if the count is off by one, the rest of you won't be seeing the outside
of your cell again all day!
Alright, 12:20 PM, line up and orderly file out into the rec yard.
Then you'll be following your assigned guards once more back to the shops.
You got to earn your keep on my island, boy!
You will dutifully conduct your assigned duties to the best of your abilities, and God Himself
come down from heaven in all His glory and intervene on your behalf if I find any tools
or items missing from your shop.
If I find so much as a screw missing from a toolkit that entire shop will be transferred
to D-block for some old fashioned solitary confinement.
2:30 PM, time to smoke ‘em if you got 'em!
This is one of the few times you'll be allowed to very quietly chat with your workmates,
but you better make damn sure you're obeying the 'no crowding' rule and keeping your group
sizes to three or less!
2:38 PM, smoke break's over ladies, time to get back to work and earn your keep!
Time to pretend you're a respectable citizen of society, earning his way with good, honest
hard labor!
4:15 PM, line up outside your shops and prepare for the count!
Hungry?
I don't really give a damn, because it's dinner time.
Once the count's completed you will line up and file in a nice, quiet fashion back out
into the rec yard and prepare for dinner.
4:25 PM, time for chow, ladies!
You know the drill, hands at your side and silent as a mime!
I better not even hear you whisper grace to yourself, you want to speak to the good Lord
and thank him for your meal you better do it inside that thick skull of yours.
I want to hear spoons and forks on plates and nothing else!
You boys are in luck tonight, it's bacon jambalaya and pork roast, feel free to help yourselves
to seconds, or thirds if you want.
But you better be finished in twenty minutes and I better not catch you wasting the taxpayer's
food or you can bet I will- good Lord in heaven, boy!
Knife on the left- no, your damn other left!
Spoon on the right!
Boy, are you a science project?
Did some scientist down in Arkansas grow you in a lab experiment to see just how incomprehensibly
stupid a human being could be made?!
4:45 PM, back to your cell and prepare for count!
You better be sitting at attention, hands at your sides, and lips shut by the time my
guard comes around for count!
Watch your toes, ladies, hate to ruin any pretty pedicures when those bars slam shut
on you for the last time today!
You're free to recreate in your cell as you wish and chat with your neighbors until lights
out.
Arkansas, why don't you go ahead and use the next few hours to practice distinguishing
your right from your left?!
9:30 PM, line up for lights out count!
On your feet, hands at your sides!
Soon as the count's complete it's lights out and you better be tucked into your beds, quiet
as good little church mice.
You want to say your nightly prayers, you do them in your head.
Arkansas, maybe pray the Lord teach you left from right in your dreams because if you keep
messing up my orderly meal trays you'll be eating cold meals in the hole until your sentence
is up!
Now get your rest, ladies, another glorious day of fun and adventure awaits you in Alcatraz
bright and early at 6:30 AM tomorrow morning!
Alright inmate, now it's time to click Why You Wouldn't Survive Alcatraz Prison, or this
other video instead.
And you better be sitting there nice and quietly with your hands at your sides while you learn,
dirtbag!