(zombies groaning)
- What?
- I don't know.
- What the? (eerie music)
(hand thudding)
(zombies groaning)
- Ain't that some (censored).
- These are some racist mother (censored) zombies.
(air whooshing)
♪ All I want is ♪ (audience cheering)
♪ But I don't need you ♪
- Uh, garcon. (air whooshing)
Aha, uh, one, uh, admission for the continental breakfast.
- You can just help yourself, sir.
- Oh, interesting, (bells chiming)
European style.
(gentle elegant music) (guest laughing)
(guest exhaling)
When in Rome. (dish thudding)
(cereal rattling)
(guest inhaling deeply)
The forbidden fruit.
(cereal crunching)
(guest laughing)
Well, aren't you a tiny plum?
(bowl clattering)
Well, la, dee, da (laughs).
Paper and everything.
And who are you, my little friend?
Not a spoon, not a fork, but something in between.
A fapoon (laughs).
(air whooshing)
- Hey, you guys got one of those,
you know, just one of those big bags
with a dollar sign on the side of it?
- Okay.
- [Customer] Yeah.
- You're gonna shoot arrows with shotgun shells attached
to 'em to a bank window to blow out the glass.
Then, you're gonna shoot a zip line through that window,
and you're gonna slide on into the hallway.
You're gonna be wearing roller skates so you can just skate
on past the armed guards, who will be shooting at you.
And you're gonna hope that they both won't hit your legs.
And if they are aiming at your torso,
the suit of medieval armor will deflect the bullets.
Then, you're gonna hope to gather enough speed to burst
through the big bank vault at the end of the hallway
where you're gonna collect the money in a cartoon money bag.
- Well, no, I'm just an uncle
who's buying some (censored) for Christmas,
and I, uh, think I'll take my business elsewhere.
And Merry Christmas.
- It's April. (bell ringing)
(air whooshing)
- Like a low-risk opportunity, so I'm looking forward to it.
We'll see.
All right, gentlemen, take care.
See you soon. - Yeah.
- Good luck getting out.
Take care.
All right, man.
All right, take care. (hands smacking)
See you, oops.
(lips smacking)
(friend gasps)
- I'm a lefty, so.
(feet shuffling)
(door clattering)
(air whooshing)
- D'Marcus Williums, University of Georgia.
(energetic music) (air whooshing)
- T.J. Juckson, Wayne State University
(air whooshing)
- T'Variusness King, Merrimack College.
(air whooshing)
- Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace, University of Miami.
(air whooshing)
- D'Squarius Green, Jr., University of Notre Dame.
(air whooshing)
- Ibrahim Moizoos, University of Tennessee at Chattanooga.
(air whooshing)
- Jackmerius Tacktheritrix, Michigan State University.
(air whooshing)
- D'Isiah T. Billings-Clyde, Coastal Carolina University.
(air whooshing)
- D'Jasper Probincrux III, South Carolina State University.
(air whooshing)
- Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz, East Carolina University.
(air whooshing)
- Javaris Jamar Jaurison-Lamar,
University of Middle Tennessee.
(air whooshing)
- Davoin Shower-Handel, University of Southern Mississippi.
(air whooshing)
- Hingle McCringleberry, Penn State University.
(air whooshing)
- Mr. Garvey
(clipboard clattering)
- What is Aaron?
- Some of us need to leave, uh, a few minutes early today.
- Oh.
(clipboard clattering)
Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.
- And what, pray tell, is the reason
for this premature exodus?
- Yearbook photos.
Um, we have to leave 15 minutes early
to meet up with our clubs.
(Mr. Garvey laughing)
- All right, you know what?
That might work with other substitute teachers,
but I taught in the inner city for over 20 years.
Now, y'all wanna leave my class early
so y'all can go meet up at the club.
Ain't none of y'all old enough to go to the damn club.
Ridiculous.
- Mr. Garvey.
(clipboard cracking) - God, son of a bitch.
(clipboard thudding)
Did I st, t, t, t, t, stutter?
- Just then? Yes.
(air whooshing)
- I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't really like
the Christopher Nolan "Batman" movies.
I don't.
I really just feel like they're overrated.
- Okay.
(friends laughing)
- Well, that's, um, that, that's just an opinion.
You see, that's why I prefaced it by saying,
"I know I'm in the minority."
- Awkward. (friends laughing)
- You know what? No.
No, not really.
It's not awkward, at least not until you said awkward.
Now, it's awkward because of what you said.
- Anyway.
- Anyway, what?
Anyway, what?
Really, because when you say, "Anyway,"
then you have to follow it up with an actual contribution
to the conversation we're having.
- Yikes. - No, look at me.
Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me.
There's no, yikes, and the reason why there's no yikes is
that there's nothing scary about this situation, okay?
It's a very low-stakes situation.
- All right. (air whooshing)
- Scurvy. - Nope.
- Rickets. - What?
No. - Consumption.
- No, Mr. Washington, something from this century.
- Schizophrenia? - No.
- You don't have
schizophrenia. - No.
- Yes, you do. - Just keep it simple, please.
What the hell is that?
I don't know what that is.
- It's a fish hook in my lip.
- Just pick something off this list.
- I can't reach it.
- Why not?
- Paralyzed.
(hand smacking)
- Does your face hurt, Mr. Washington?
- Yeah.
- Then, this should help. (paper rustling)
(air whooshing)
(suspenseful music) (utensils clinking)
- Unbelievable.
Well, Drew, I have a huge problem with this dish.
(dramatic music)
It's that you haven't made it for me sooner.
(mellow music)
- Thank you, chef.
- Because if you had, Drew,
then I would know how good you are at cooking food
that's bad. (dramatic music)
- I'm sorry, chef.
- And when I say bad, I mean Michael Jackson bad.
(mellow music)
- Thank you, chef.
- You know how he looked really, really bad at the end
of his life? (dramatic music)
- Chef, I'm sorry.
I don't know if you like the dish or not.
(air whooshing)
- Brand me, son. - Yeah.
- Brand me. - Yeah.
- Do it on my chest. - Yeah.
- Straight down the middle, son.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(friend screaming)
Yeah, son.
- Oh, yo. (friend laughing)
No, yo, hold up man.
Come on, wait. - Yeah.
- Wait, wait, that's- - Yeah.
- That (censored) upside down, son.
It's, it's to the side a little bit, too, man.
- Oh, (censored), bro.
Okay, bro, my bad, dawg.
My bad, dawg.
You wanna keep doing this (censored)?
Let's go.
- Yeah, man, I'm just, I'm saying, yo, be careful.
- I got you, dawg.
I got you, yeah. (friend screaming)
What's up?
That's what's up.
- Yeah.
- Straight down the middle, son.
- You can't go back middle now, son.
- What?
- We already committed to the upside down and to the side.
- I got you, dawg. (both screaming)
- What are you doing, man?
- You said upside down and to the side.
- That's three omegas.
- Oh, man, I forgot the pi.
- Yeah. (friend screaming)
- [Friend] Oh.
(air whooshing)
(children chattering indistinctly)
- Mm, (laughs) brothers, brothers, brothers.
Look at yourselves, pants hanging off your ass,
looking like a couple of clowns, which you are.
Okay, enjoy the birthday celebration.
(air whooshing)
- Man, Tyrell 'bout to come out here right now.
You gotta watch this. - 'Sup, ladies?
- Watch this. Watch this.
Yo, Tyrell.
- Yo, what up, Lawrence?
- Hey, man, you wanna play front hand, backhand?
- I don't know that game, man.
- It's easy, dawg.
All you gotta do is say front hand or backhand.
- All right, front hand.
(hand smacking) (Tyrell grunting)
(friends laughing)
- Bam, I got you, sucker.
(friends laughing)
- Oh, okay, okay.
I see how it is now.
- Come on, man. Come on.
You know that (censored) was funny.
- Backhand.
- Huh?
- It's still my move, right?
I choose backhand this time.
- Really?
- Backhand (censored).
- Uh (laughs).
(hand smacking)
(friends laughing)
(feet thudding)
- Goddamn.
- Look, Ty, I'm sorry, but I ain't sorry.
You know what I mean?
I mean, you asked for it.
(laughing) I mean you literally asked for it.
- Front hand.
- What? No.
Why, why you wanna hit-
- I got it.
I figured it out, front hand.
No, backhand, backhand.
(air whooshing)
- This Saturday night, there's not even going to be a fight.
I'm gonna mercy-kill this old man.
(fire whooshing) (energetic music)
- Derek is very rude person,
but soon, he will learn manners.
I will torture his body
so that his soul learns to be humble.
(fire whooshing)
- I'm going to dance around him
while he's trying to hit me with his cane, old man.
(fire whooshing)
- God chose me for this fight.
God is the teacher. (energetic music continues)
Derek is the student, and I am God's instrument.
When I squeeze your lungs, Derek, and you beg me for life,
then your heart will open up to the Lord.
(fire whooshing)
- I'm gonna knock him out round one, bitch.
Wait, what did he say again?
He said God chose him?
That does, doesn't even make sense, really (laughs).
(fire whooshing)
- When you eat through plastic tube,
when you are paralyzed from neck down,
then your family will gather around your hospital bed
to see the new day.
(fire whooshing)
- Okay, he, he know we just talking here, right?
(air whooshing)
- I don't care what plantation I end up on.
I'm straight staging a revolt in this mother (censored).
- Hells, yeah.
- We have lot A, lot B, and lot C.
- Uh, $3 on lot A.
- $4. - Five.
- $5 going once, twice, three times, sold.
Lot A goes to the man in the black hat.
(buyers chattering indistinctly)
(footsteps plodding)
- I mean, good.
- Yeah (laughs).
- I'm glad I didn't get sold.
- Mm-hmm. - 'Cause I don't want
to be owned by another human being.
- Whoever buys me, they better kill me the first day.
Or, I'ma go buck wild on the whole operation.
- Okay?
- Next one get up on up there now.
- Oh, this okay.
(buyers chattering indistinctly)
- $6 on lot A.
- $7. - Eight.
- Nine.
- $9 going once, twice, three times, sold.
(B exhales)
- Okay, well, you have to buy that dude.
- It's a no-brainer. (footsteps plodding)
- I mean, that guy's a huge.
- That's a massive individual.
- That's two of me.
- Anybody would buy him.
- I'd buy that dude.
(air whooshing)
(dramatic music) (footsteps plodding)
- Guys, hey, guys.
Hey, guys.
Oh, thank God.
Hey, we started a community of survivors.
Y'all come live with us.
(gun clanking)
(gunshots blasting)
(blood spattering) (bullets whizzing)
(gunshots blasting) (shells clinking)
(body thudding)
(visual shield whizzing) (creature shrieking)
(dramatic music continues)
- Wait, how did you know?
- Come on.
Redneck wants us to move into his community, us?
Let's go.
- All right.
(dramatic music continues)
(guns clanking)
- Guys, over here.
(laughing) Oh, thank God there are others.
- Would you let me date your daughter?
- Of course.
(gunshots blasting)
(body thudding)
(visual shield whizzing) (creature shrieking)
(air whooshing)
(zombies groaning)
- We gotta go through 'em.
Just stay together, keep moving, and don't get bit.
Go. (dramatic music)
(zombies groaning) (escapee gasping)
(dramatic music continues)
(zombie groaning)
Are you getting this?
- Yeah, what is up?
- Hey, just go.
Let's go. (dramatic music continues)
This is crazy.
Okay.
(zombies groaning)
- What?
- I don't know.
- What the? (eerie music)
(hand thudding)
- Ain't that some (censored).
- These are some racist mother (censored) zombies.
- Why would you even lock the door?
I mean, the window's broken, and the-
(zombie groaning) (escapee gasps)
Oh.
- Oh, hell, no.
- That's- - No, no, no.
(dramatic music)
(zombie growling)
Oh, come on.
- What is that?
- They seriously wouldn't let her eat us.
(funky music)
♪ All I want is ♪
♪ But I don't need you ♪