And we are back with more
Optimistic Expectations
Followed by crushing realities
This bloke is making a
Cool, Slow-mo video in Bali
He's gonna do a trick
Yeah-heh-heh-eah!
It looks GOOD
Until it doesn't
Jasper has decided the power of sight
Has made basketball too easy.
So he's whacked on a blindfold
OH-HOH! HE GOT IT IN!
How'd he do that?
Does he have Daredevil powers?
Did he use echolocation like a bat?
Whenever I play basketball
I end up LIKE this wanker
Yeah, nah, yeah
With a ball mark on the face.
Cut to kiteboarding
aaannnnddd
Whammy!
Mid-Strength Beer retrieved
You could set your Casio digital watch to this precision
Although the problem with Paula
Is that she gives us common people hope.
I take umbridge with that.
We see her perform magic and think
"I'll give it a go"
"Defying gravity is a piece of piss"
Next thing ya know
You are on your ass
Ya got wet sand and jagged seashells up ya crack
And ya parachute has turned into a f#%ken
SpaceX rocket
"I just wanted to fly amongst the Pelicans"
You mutter
Instead
"I'm stuck in this bog"
"Like a wounded mud crab"
He has to have a wedgie
Surely
Surely ohhhhhhhhh
Massive wedgie
He's gonna be on an operating table
Having his undies surgically removed
And thinking
"I never should have tried kiteboarding"
Hopefully he's got a receipt
For his fancy new gear
The missus will 110% be like
"I told ya!"
"You always do this!"
"You spend thousands of dollary-doos on a new hobby"
"And end up with a debilitating wedgie"
"And whose there to pick it, Steve?"
"Who picks it out?"
"Me!"
Okay, yeah, nah he's done.
He's going home.
Big hoppy-hop
Followed by a roly-poly
Wowee
We all wanna tie our shoelaces
Like this guy
We do
Realistically
This is most of us.
Our shoelaces are on fire
While we're oblivious
Absolutely oblivious
Look at this cheeky adonis
I wanna make it clear
He climbed a ladder
While doing 360's
In ripped jeans
Phwoar!
Now he's playing hackey-sack!
Hoh-hoh
HWOAH!
The ball is on his nose!
Fair dinkum!
He's like a seal!
Whenever us normal
Unenhanced individuals
Do ladder tricks
It goes like this
Yeah.
We end up concussed.
Oh, ziplining to the nearest supermarket.
Easy peasy
We can all do that!
From one average bastard
To me fanbase of average bastards
I reckon
We can alllllll
Oh no.
This is us, isn't it?
We're both people simultaneously
We're the bloke who is stuck
And we're also the bloke
Who got stuck
Trying to save the bloke
Who is stuck!
Come on,
Be a hero
BIG PUSH!
THREE
TWO
One awwwww
shit.
Cue the song
We're on a Road to Nowhere
Or a zipline
To nowhere
Ah yes
Harness the power of umbrella!
Give him a
PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
hoh-nah.
F#%ked it.
This fella is practicing breakdancing
In front of a
Decrepit building
He keeps spinning
And spinning
He's like a perpetual f#%ken
Motion machine
He could power a whole city
He IS a renewable source of clean energy
Aw meanwhile
This guy is like
All of the greenhouse gases
When you see something like
Over the back
Putting wizardry in golf
Naturally a mere mortal will want to do something similar
Instead ya fall on your ass
And end up in a river.
Don't try that at home.
Or anywhere.
Overall
We can dream
And think we're like
This slick, cool
Wedgie-less guy
Who has no time to wait for an escalator
To transport him to the bottom
I descend on MY terms!
But in reality
We're all
Just this
Drunk
Bloke.
Walking in the wrong direction
And that's okay.
Cos he'll get there
In the end.
He'll get there!