-Our first guest tonight is an Emmy-
and Golden Globe-winning comedian
you know from his work on "Saturday Night Live,"
"Brooklyn Nine-Nine," "Palm Springs,"
and as one third of The Lonely Island.
New episodes of his animated series "Digman!" per-- per--
premiere -- oh, my God -- premiere Wednesday nights
at 10:30 on Comedy Central.
Please welcome back to the show
our very good friend Andy Samberg.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Welcome back, my friend. -Yeah.
What a reaction.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-This is a big deal.
It has been a while since you've been here in person.
And, in fact, the last time you were here in person,
we were doing a cast show for "Brooklyn Nine-Nine,"
the series finale of "Brooklyn Nine-Nine."
-That's right.
-And the night before, we were supposed to have dinner,
me, you, and Shoemaker, and I called you guys and I said,
"I can't go to dinner because Alexi just went into labor,"
and we had a baby girl that night.
Now, there was a fear that I wouldn't be able
to come and host the show the next day.
But your whole cast had flown out.
We knew we had to do the show. You were gonna host the show.
-Yes, I got a call from Shoemaker being like,
"Hey, will you host the show tomorrow?"
I said, "Of course."
Easy-peasy. I was all excited.
I got all this stuff prepped.
-Oh, you prepped things for hosting the show?
-Oh, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, truth be told,
I've kind of had my eye on it for a while.
[ Laughter ]
-Like, to take over?
-Yeah, it was --
it was, like, kind of a hostile takeover I had planned.
And then I was all, "Here's my moment ready to seize."
-Okay, gotcha.
So what sort of planning had you put into this?
-I had full segments planned out.
-Oh, really? And you weren't gonna use existing segments?
-No, no, no. I was gonna blow that all up.
-Okay. Gotcha.
-All-new brand-new material.
-Inspired by anything?
-Nope. -Totally unique?
-Yep, just original -- original ideas that I had.
-Okay. -Yeah.
-You want to share any? -I mean, yeah.
It looks like you're not gonna leave, so...
[ Laughter ]
...I guess I'll just burn them.
Okay, here's a couple of ideas I had that I was gonna try out.
-Okay.
-One of them was called "Jokes Andy Can't Tell."
-Okay. So, now, we do have a segment
called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
-Yeah, but this is different. -Okay.
-Yeah. -What's this one?
-So it would be like a series of jokes that I can't tell.
But it's not because they're inappropriate.
It's because they all contain words
that I don't know how to pronounce.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, so you have to, like, bail on them
'cause you just can't do it. -Yeah, it would be like,
"What's the deal with wors-i-sis-shire sauce?"
You know?
And then, like, goofy jokes like, you know,
what did one sea en-a-manem-ony
say to the -- while it was eating a "gy-ro"?
[ Laughter ]
-You can't say "gy-ro"?
-You say it. -Alright. "Hee-ro."
-"Yee-ro." -Oh, well there you go.
So you can tell it.
-Broke the fourth wall.
-Any other ideas? -Oh, God. So many.
So, yeah, I had another idea called "Guess What I Ate,"
where I take a bite of food
and then a celebrity guest smells my breath
and they guess what I ate.
-I don't think people would like that.
-No, they would've liked it.
And then I had another one called "Should I Be Worried?"
And that would be I would invite a dermatologist on the show
and show them all of my moles
and then after each one be like, "Should I be worried?"
-And you think that would be something, like,
people at home would enjoy?
-Oh, it would have been on a T-shirt in no time.
Yeah. What else?
Oh, I had another one where famed cue card holder Wally
and I just gently kiss for two minutes.
-Okay, yeah. -Yeah.
-Yeah. So that's like a time filler.
-Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What's that?
-I'm sorry. Are you saying you can't hear over the applause?
-I couldn't hear over the applause, yeah.
-Okay, gotcha. Yeah. Yeah.
-Anyway, that one's self-explanatory.
And then I had another one called "Punch or Hug."
-Okay.
-And I would just go through the audience
and give each person the opportunity
to either punch or hug me.
-Okay.
-And honestly, Seth, that one, it's like whatever they feel
that they most need for their emotional health.
You know, I'm just happy to be of service.
-That's very modern. Yeah.
-Yeah. Let's see.
Oh, I also had a desk piece that I tested out in my mind
called "The Spitroast,"
where I just eviscerated newsworthy topics
straight to their face.
-Well, that's kind of similar to "Ya Burnt,"
which is a segment we have. -What's that?
-Well, that's -- that's my sketch I do.
It's a sketch called "Ya Burnt," where we roast people,
you know, things. -I don't know what that is,
but it sounds bad, but this idea was a good idea.
Here, I'll show you. Take a look.
[ Sizzling ]
Welcome to the barbecue pit...
where we've got a bunch of suckling little piggies
and one long spit to roast them on.
First up, the Charmin bears.
Hey, Charmin bears, I think you need to see a doctor.
Nobody's supposed to spend that much time in the bathroom.
IBS is a disease, not a personality.
[ Laughter ]
Also, I've never seen any of you wash your hands.
You guys are [bleep] gross.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Yeah.
If you knew how goddamn disgusting you sounded
talking about [bleep] all the time,
you'd put a gun in your mouth
and blow your [bleep] brains out.
Hey, Charmin bears, time to take the apple out of your mouth,
because ya spit-roasted.
[ Sizzling ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
-Like, it sort of started
with some details about the Charmin bear.
Then it just got, like, really --
You, like, really went at them hard.
-Yeah, well, you know, I don't pull punches.
-Also, that is totally the same thing as "Ya Burnt."
-Yeah, again, I don't know what that is.
"Ya Blurt." What --
What words are you even saying?
To me it sounds like gibberish.
-I should just move on. Do you have another?
-It's funny you ask, 'cause I do have one more.
[ Laughter ]
And I think we have time. -Okay. Yeah.
So you'd be very good at this job,
'cause a lot of it is knowing whether or not there's time.
Knowing, like, "Oh, we got to go to commercial
'cause they pay the bills."
You know? -Don't say that.
Peek behind the curtain.
No big deal. That's free of cost.
So, okay, you know how you do "A Closer Look"?
-I do, Yeah. -Pbht!
[ Laughter ]
The thing that you --
The thing that you olds don't understand about...
-Olds? -...about my online generation
is that we don't have the attention span
for a 45-minute deep dive
into triangular arbitrage or whatever.
-Uh-huh. Yeah.
First of all, you're like only five years younger than me.
-Really?
[ Laughter ]
Man, you should moisturize more.
So that's a harsh burn.
-I got spit-roasted. -You got spit-roasted.
Where's the camera? Spit-roasted.
-[ Laughs ]
-Anyways, instead of "A Closer Look,"
I would take a grosser look.
-Okay.
-Seth's nightmare-inducing hell spawn Frisbee
continues to maintain its identity as a dog
when it's clearly some sort of rat-foreskin hybrid.
For more on this, it's time for "A Grosser Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is a dog.
This is not a dog.
[ Laughter ]
This is the worst greyhound since the bus.
[ Laughter ]
If this dog took a dump, I wouldn't know which was which
and flush them both down the toilet.
[ Toilet flushes ]
This has been "A Grosser Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-We'll be right back with more from Andy Samberg.