(crowd cheering)
- We'll get five random topics, then we'll drop a beat,
have some fun.
This, we're going to come to you first.
Section number one for suggestion number one.
What would you like a rap about?
- Toenails!
- Toenails?
(crowd laughing)
Let's dive into this, sir, yeah.
No, because it reveals more about you, doesn't it, really?
Well like, If we can't say Brexit, toenails it will be!
Don't know why that's in my mind,
just thinking about those luscious
little ceratin half-moons.
Oh yeah.
(crowd laughing)
(piano plays)
The note you ended that on made it sound quite Asian, right?
That final note made it sound like Asian toenails, which.
Like, so what type of toenails?
- Asian.
- Asian toenails it's going to be, I'm afraid.
Blame Red for that.
What was the note that you ended on,
were you on the black keys or the white?
It was the black keys, surely, for it to sound like that.
(piano plays)
- Yeah exactly.
Look, you don't know!
Red, you could be Asian.
- My wife is.
- His wife is, there you go.
When it comes to Asian toenails,
no one knows more than this man.
(crowd applauds)
Thank you, sir.
Middle of the room, front, back, middle,
we'll come to you next.
Middle-front of the room, what would you like a rap about.
- Mangoes.
- Mangoes?
So, I did say, "No food,"
but I will accept this because its specific enough.
Also, the way your accent was, you pronounced it, "Mingoes."
You didn't say, "Mangoes," you said, "Mingoes."
Which sounds like (a) a racial slur.
"These fucking mingoes!."
Doesn't it?
In Australia, that sounds racist.
Mingoes.
Are you a fan, a connoisseur of mangoes?
- I saw a video recently.
- You saw a video recently.
I'm excited, after the toenail fetish chap,
we've gone weird now.
You saw a mango video.
Was that the story?
Mangoes Chris, I saw a video recently.
Nothing to do with mangoes.
I just have an internet connection.
Mangoes, I saw a video of mangoes.
Asian toenails.
Back of the room, hello.
What would you like a rap about?
- Shrek. - Red headed girl.
- Okay, there were two, don't worry, I will accept, "Shrek."
Why were so enthused about Shrek?
Have you watched 'Puss in Boots: The Last Wish'?
- Yeah!
- It's fucking good.
Don't discount it just because you're like,
"Puss in Boots has a new movie."
It's genuinely good.
Don't let your kids watch it, it's too scary.
So lady who said Shrek,
what do you love about Shrek?
- It's just such a good movie!
- It's just such a good movie.
I will accept that, it is.
And when that lady was bellowing Shrek,
there was a gentleman yelling something,
just not as loud or vociferously.
What was it?
- Read headed girls avoiding therapy.
(crowd laughing)
That feels like an argument you should be having at home
with your partner,
rather than airing it in a public forum.
"Told you you should go."
Red headed girls avoiding therapy.
Mango videos, Asian toenails, Shrek.
Cool, we got one suggestion left.
We did that side, we did these two.
Now its your turn, what is it going to be?
(several speakers)
Okay so, opium dens I like,
Meghan Markle is too obvious, what was the other one?
- Mating habits of sheep.
(crowd laughing)
- I'm not Welsh, mate, I'm not Welsh.
Feels like a heckle there.
Opium dens and the mating habits of sheep.
Okay, what happens is
when I take more than five suggestions,
my brain will completely forget about three of them.
So, I will take it, but you will have to remind me.
So front row, remember we've got opium dens,
the mating habits of sheep, Asian toenails, mango videos,
Shrek, and a ginger girl, or red headed girl,
avoiding therapy.
If I forget one, forgive me, and also remind me.
And this is what we're going to do.
We're going to make up a rap about all of those things.
(rap beat begins) And by we I mean,
us, you, the lovely audience,
will just adsorb it through your ear holes.
It's a lovely sound isn't it?
It's the classic West Coast synth.
Also reminds you of a little duck.
It's little quacky duck friend.
And this what we're going to to, cool.
A hop skip and a jump and then I rap to big to fail.
I'm looking down at my feet, seeing toenails.
I'm in the blazing sun, Asian one,
coming from Japan, you know the fun's begun.
He was playing on the keys,
"Duh-duh-duh-duh-dun-dun."
Sounding kind of racist,
still I think it's fun, fun.
Looking at the ceratin, taking out my toes,
what do you think about those?
If you chose any lady from the Land of the Rising,
wiggling my little toe, get it close to your eyes,
in the horizon, coming up, like the sunshine.
You and I could have some fun some time.
This guy is so aroused when I'm talking about the toes.
Careful, looking down below.
You start going ever so turgid.
I need some tropical fruit and so I search it.
I'm on YouTube, yeah I really want to try there
a pawpaw, nah, maybe a papaya.
It doesn't make sense to me, then it froze.
Pick the one under my nose, the mangoes.
Chopping it up, I'm, feeling so fine.
Cross that hatch, looking like a porcupine.
Did you see the video about how to slice it?
It's really amazing, my advice is,
you've got to put the cuts like checkerboard,
Then you turn it inside out and I'm pretty sure,
you can slice it off, one simple move.
Use a santoku knife.
Mango cubes.
But this guy though, yeah but he brings those,
fruit facts, shouting out like, "Mingo!"
I was ever so confused.
What the heck?
Kind of wonky, like the animal from Shrek.
That's the donkey.
We serve these.
Moving from the mango to Eddie Murphy.
Waking Shrek up early, he did it more than once.
"Ay donkey, get the fuck out of my swamp!"
He didn't say the F-word, it's a kid's film.
Fiona, Cameron Diaz, they were fucking killing.
I was loving it, its what I aspire to be
as funny as a green ogre played by Mike Myers.
But one fact, he brings her.
He takes Fiona to the therapist, why?
Because she's ginger.
He makes sure, she gets along there.
Remember, she's got the red hair.
He knows her, this ogre, sitting down on the couch.
Tell me about your childhood.
This is not allowed.
Why are you avoiding, staying there in the deep green swamp?
Feeling like the queen that she wants.
She says, "My parents weren't kind to me,
"used to be brought up brought up in regal finery."
But then she relapsed, again and again.
Shrek had to take her out of the opium den.
And when I'm there in the opium, I'm feeling hip-hoppy.
I like to get my heroin and get my poppy seeds.
I take them down and I'm looking while I'm glazing.
What's in the opium den?
Toenails of Asians usually, because it was popular is China.
That's not racist, I'm not showing shyness.
You were like, "Oh, this rap would sparkle,
"But he rejected my suggestion of the Meghan Markle."
I'm not partial to rapping bout her.
Used to be a princess, but the went, "Nah.
"I'm out of here, I'm going to flee to the West Coast."
Took a ginger husband and you best know,
he avoids a therapy as well, but he's a boy.
Guy's upset, ever so annoyed.
He says, "Nah, I only wanted focus on the ladies."
Now I said this, my brain would fail me,
so remind me, what was number six?
Your hands on your mouth.
What the fuck did you pick?
(man shouting)
Of course we can do.
What do cows say, "Moo?"
But the ones you choose, they were in the farm yard.
No cause for alarm.
Rutting with the woolen coat, they were going, "Bah, bah!"
Yeah, the sheep I would rather,
which ewe you choose, you can fuck this one harder.
Get them on their knees, bending in the fields.
Wear a sheep skin condom, that's how they feel.
Generally that's what they're made from,
you know I'm going to shag this,
come in the sheep's stomach, like I'm making haggis.
(rap beat ends)
(crowd cheers)