'Kiss me'
Welcome back to my dark Corner of this Sick World,
and the most modern, highest budgeted and, potentially, most controversial film we’ve ever reviewed
‘I am Dracula’ .
Visually Bram Stoker’s Dracula is a stunning tribute to silent film.
and has some decent jump moments.
But let’s meet Dracula.
Well, nothing in his appearance to excite any suspicion.
or his behaviour.
But how does Mum-Ra the ever-living square with the book?
'I will not let you go into the unkown alone.'
Within stood a tall old Man Clean-shaven
Saved for a long white mustache and clad in black from head to foot without a single speck of colour about him anywhere
'Rather Eccentric count Dracula.'
Surprisingly no mention of his bouffant hair, clown make-up or wardrobe borrowed from Liberace.
An adaptation has to make the original its own but when you call the film Bram Stoker’s Dracula,
you better at least stick to the spirit of the book.
The over the top make up also creates a plausibility problem later
when Keanu Reeves’ laughably accented Harker...
‘I have offended you with my ignorance’
recognises the rejuvenated Dracula.
‘It is the man himself. There. Look, he’s grown young.’
Just like that!
No doubt, no wondering how this happened or if, oh I don’t know, it just might be someone similar!
'I'm very sorry.'
Then there’s the plot; having called his film Bram Stoker’s Dracula,
Francis Ford Coppola then jettisons much of Bram Stoker’s plot in favour of one from...
'Blacula!'
The across the centuries love story is nowhere to be found in the book but it’s the cornerstone of the 70s Blaxploitation classic!
'No, I cannot let this be'
So while Harker struggles for his life...
his wife gets to know Dracula,
‘Perhaps I am a bad, inconstant woman?’
I don’t think there’s any perhaps about it!
'No.'
I mean obviously you pity anyone engaged to Keanu Reeves’ uncanny impression of a lump of wood in a floppy wig.
'We can married when I return.'
but still! And I know, much of the book remains.
'I will be one of those who benefits from your generosity.'
But you cannot just add a whole new story and turn the central character from soulless monster to romantic hero.
'Take me away from all this death.'
It’s about as faithful to the book as Mina is Jonathan.
A lot of this film is love it or hate it; the drag queen costumes,
the hopelessly unvictorian sexuality
‘Like a wild stallion between my legs’
'You're wildly indecent.'
The characters who feel the need to voice their every waking thought,
'Jonathan must never know of this.'
The performances straight out of the Nicholas Cage school of subtle acting.
'Winds....'
'WWWWIIINNDDDDDS!!!!!'
It’s grand guignol at its height.
and it may be amusing.
‘How very droll’
but it’s about as scary as Dracula’s batman incarnation.
Now, if you enjoy this gaudy, high camp, everything turned up to 11 interpretation that’s fine,
I’ve no argument with you.
'I've seen many strange things already.'
but what it absolutely positively, inarguably is not,
what it cannot possibly under any circumstances whatsoever be called is Bram Stoker’s Dracula!
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