WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
>> FROM "THE BIG BANG THEORY," PLEASE WELCOME JIM PARSONS.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST SHOW IN THE WORLD,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
EVERYBODY STANDS IN WHEN YOU COME ON.
>> SO YOU WEREN'T FIRED.
>> Stephen: NO, I WASN'T, I WASN'T.
UNLESS YOU KNOW SOMETHING I DON'T.
>> NO, ALTHOUGH WE BOTH WORK FOR THE SAME NETWORK, BUT NO ONE IS
CALLING ME, EITHER.
>> Stephen: I HAD TO CUT MY PHONE CALLS AT THIS POINT.
>> DID YOU?
ARE YOU FEELING HOMOPHOBIC?
>> Stephen: NO, ACTUALLY, I'M FEELING HOMOFEELIC.
>> I THOUGHT THAT WAS A VERY STRANGE TAG TO PUT ON THE WHOLE
MONOLOGUE.
YOU TAUGHT ME NEW TERMS.
I MEAN, AS A GAY MAN, I DIDN'T KNOW CERTAIN THINGS THAT YOU
TAUGHT-- THAT'S-- IT WAS TITALATING.
I WOULDN'T CALL IT HOMOPHOBIC.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> THAT'S JUST MY TAKE ON -- >> Stephen: "THE BIG BANG
THEORY," 10 YEARS.
10 YEARS.
>> A DECADE.
>> Stephen: A DECADE.
AS THE KIDS CALL IT.
A DECADE.
>> HOW LONG-- HOW LONG DID YOU DO COMEDY CENTRAL?
>> Stephen: COMEDY CENTRAL 20 YEARS, BUT (BLEEP) 10 YEARS.
WELL, I WORKED FOR-- >> YOU WERE WITH JON.
>> Stephen: "DAILY SHOW."
BUT ALMOST 10 YEARS ON THE OLD GIG DOING THAT CHARACTER.
>> DID IT FLY BY FOR YOU?
>> Stephen: IT REALLY DID.
UNLESS I LOOK AT PHOTOS ( LAUGHTER ).
>> I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT THAT WITH A FRIEND TODAY.
IT'S TRUE.
YOU GET A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE VERY SWEET, AND THEY MEAN IT.
THEY GO, "YOU LOOK THE SAME AS YOU DID."
I GET WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, BUT IF IF YOU'RE ME AND YOU LIVE
WITH THIS FACE IN THE MIRROR EVERY DAY, AND YOU SEE A SEASON
ONE EPISODE, YOU'RE LIKE THERE ARE THINGS HAPPENING.
OOIK LIKE, "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FACE?"
WHY DO WE HAVE TO DETERIORATE-- I LOVE GETTING OLD, BUT WHY DO
WE HAVE TO START FALLING APART?
WHY IS THAT PART OF THE DEAL?
>> Stephen: I'M HOPING LIKE CRISPER AND STEM CELLS WILL TURN
ME BACK INTO A TWEEN.
>> VERY GOOD POINT.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU WOULDN'T BE, LIKE, YOUNG AGAIN, WOULD
YOU?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: IT'S TERRIBLE.
>> NO, THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT YOUTH THEY MISIN THAT WAY,
EXCEPT FOR THE PHYSICAL BOUNCE-BACK.
LIKE, YOU CAN'T-- NOT THAT YOU SHOULD-- YOU CAN'T DRINK LIKE
YOU USED TO.
>> Stephen: OH, HELL NO.
>> NOTHING LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T GO OUT ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.
>> ME, EITHER!
>> Stephen: NO.
>> I'M IN BED BY 8:00 READING.
THAT'S MY PLAN.
I STICK TO IT THAT'S MY PLAN.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO READ.
>> WELL.
>> GET A GOOD 10 PAGES IN AND THEN I GO BACK TO CANDY CRUSH TO
NUMB MYSELF OUT AND THEN I ASLEEP.
>> Stephen: NOW, IN 10 YEARS YOU COULD GET A MASTERS AND
DOCTORATE IN PHYSICS IN THAT PERIOD OF TIME.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU INCIDENTALLY LEARNED PHYSICS BY
PLAYING SHELDON?
>> YOU ACT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER MET ME, NO!
NO!
>> Stephen: I MET YOU ONCE.
I MET YOU BACKSTAGE.
>> WE MET AT A PARTY.
WE DISCUSSED THIS.
IT WAS VERY UNMEMORABLE.
YOU WERE VERY SOBER.
YOU JUST DON'T REMEMBER.
NO, I DON'T THINK I'VE LEARNED MUCH OF ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: NOT EVEN INCIDENTALLY?
>> I MEAN, NOTHING I CAN NAME OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, NO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IMPRESSIVE IN ITS OWN RIGHT.
>> IS IT.
>> Stephen: THAT NOTHING STICKS TO YOU?
>> WELL, I THINK IT'S THE RESULT OF EXCELLENT WRITING.
LIKE THE COMIC RHYTHMS AND THE BEATS AND THE WHATEVER.
THAT'S SO PROMINENT, THAT ALL THAT (BLEEP) WITH SCIENCE JUST
-- >> Stephen: WAS THAT YOUR
WRITER CHARACTER.
>> THAT WAS MY WRITER CHARACTER.
>> Stephen: THE BEATS AND WHATEVER.
>> THAT WAS MY WRITER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT'S ABOUT.
I JUST THINK-- YOU HAVE TO MEMORIZE LIKE THAT AND THEN IT'S
OVER.
I DON'T KNOW.
I SHIVER EVERY TIME THEY PUT A WHITEBOARD NEAR ME.
YOU HAVE TO WRITE THE LAST PART OF THE EQUATION.
I SAID, "THEN YOU MEAN A PLUS OR MINUS SIGN BECAUSE I CAN CANNOT
GIVE YOU "A" OVER "B" OF AN "X."
SHUT UP!
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANTED TO BE OTHER THAN AN
ACTOR?
OBVIOUSLY NOT A PHYSICIST.
WAS THERE ANYTHING ULTIMATED TO BE?
>> ACTUALLY, THE CLOSEST THAT WAS SCIENTIFIC-ISK, IATOID WITH
BEING A METEOROLOGIST.
>> Stephen: THAT'S SCIENTIFIC.
>> YEAH, IT WAS.
I DO THINK, THOUGH-- I WAS PARTLY FASCINATED BY WEATHER,
BUT I WAS PARTLY-- I KNEW THAT I WANTED TO PERFORM.
AND I THOUGHT WELL I COULD, YOU KNOW, I COULD SORT OF BE SORT OF
IN SCIENCE AND THEN ACTUALLY BE ON TV, REALLY.
>> Stephen: WELL, THE WEATHERMAN IS USUALLY THE FUNNY
GUY IN THE LOCAL NEWS CREW.
>> THEY CERTAINLY TRY, YES.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
DID YOU HAVE A WEATHERMAN NAME, LIKE--
>> NO, BUT WHAT'S FUNNY IS-- AND I DIDN'T KNOW THIS AT THE TIME--
I WAS YOUNG AT THE TIME.
BUT THE MORE I GO ON.
WHY DO THEY HAVE THOSE BORDERLINE PORN STAR NAMES.
>> Stephen: SMOKY WONDER.
>> YES, WE IN L.A., DALLAS RAINS.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> JOHNNY MOUNTAIN.
WHICH SOUNDS WEATHER-IFIC.
BUT IT'S A MOUNTAIN.
IT'S NOT REALLY WEATHER.
IT'S NOT JOHNNY CLOUD OR SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: HE'S NOT A GEOLOGIST.
>> EXACTLY!
SO, NO, I NEVER HAD ONE.
JIMMY-- JIMMY-- UH... PELLET?
NO.
HAIL.
>> Stephen: HAIL PELLET, I LIKE.
>> HI, EVERYONE!
SPRINKLES!
THAT'S GOOD.
SPRINKLES PARSONS.
SEE, NO, NOW WE'RE INTO DRAG.
IT'S GONE BEYOND PORN.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: SPRINKLES?
>> SPRINKLES PARSONS.
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU'RE FROM HOUSTON, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN.
>> I ( APPLAUSE ).
>> OH!
REALLY!
I MEAN, IT'S A BIG CITY.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH OF AN ACCENT LEFT.
>> WEEEL... WELL, TWO THINGS.
NUMBER ONE, THEY BEAT IT OUT OF YOU IN SCHOOL IF YOU'RE IN THE
ACTING-TRAINING STUFF.
>> Stephen: I AM FROM SOUTH CAROLINA AND MINE WAS SURGICALLY
REMOVED.
I HAD MINE REMOVED BY CESAREAN.
>> THAT'S WHY IT'S SO PRETTY.
THAT CONE-SHAPED HEAD.
>> Stephen: I CAN STILL WEAR A BIKINI.
>> EXACTLY!
YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY ACCENT.
WHAT THE HELL WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?
>> Stephen: YOU'RE FROM HOUSTON.
>> WELL, I DO THINK THAT I-- IF-- IT DEPENDS WHO I'M TALKING
TO, HOW MUCH ALCOHOL'S INVOLVED, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> IT'S THE-- MY MOTHER-- MY FAMILY, THEY SPEAK-- THEY ALL
HAVE TEXAS ACCENTS "Y'ALL."
I STILL SAY Y'ALL."
I NEVER LEFT AN AUDITION WITHOUT SAYING, "THANK YOU, Y'ALL.
IT'S A REFLEX.
THAT CORRECT, "Y'ALL."
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> I GOT JOBS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I DON'T LIKE THAT "Y'ALL."
WE'RE NOT CASTING HIM.
YOU ALSO HAVE A NEW SIRIUS RADIO PROGRAM.
IT'S CALLED JIM PARSONS IS TOO STUPID FOR POLITICS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU SEEM LIKE AN INTELLIGENT PERSON.
>> MY INTERNATIONAL INTENT WAS TO CALL IT, "JIM PARSONS IS TOO
STUPID TO VOTE."
AND HE WENT BACK AND FORTH.
IT WAS KIND OF MY POINT, THERE'S ALWAYS AN ELECTION COMING UP, A
MIDTERM OR WHATEVER.
THE ONLY THING I REALLY CARED ABOUT WAS GETTING THE "STUPID"
IN THERE.
LOOK, IT WAS THIS-- I REALLY DO FEEL LIKE THERE'S JUST SO MUCH
MORE TO KNOW ABOUT EVERY SINGLE ISSUE, OTHER THAN IRATE,
PASSION, ANGER, SADNESS, GLEE.
AND-- AND IN MANY WAYS-- ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
AND IN MANY WAYS, YOU KNOW, I AS SOMEBODY WHO HAVE FOUND MYSELF
IN A LIBERAL CAMP A LOT OF THE TIME, VOTING FOR DEMOCRATS MOST
OF THE TIME, I REALLY THINK THERE'S A WAY TO-- FOR ME TO
HEAR ABOUT AN ISSUE AND ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO HEAR
ABOUT ONE AND GO, "IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIDE IT'S ON, AND I
JUST HEAR IT, I'M GOING TO GO, "I JUST FOUND OUT I HAVE A
CONSERVATIVE POINT OF VIEW."
I GREW UP IN TEXAS.
I'M A TRADITIONAL KIND OF PERSON.
I-- I-- WHAT I'M SAYING IS I'M KIND OF CUTTING MY TIME HERE.
I WATCH "MORNING JOE" I LISTEN TO LAURA INGGRAM.
I'LL LISTEN TO-- WE HAVE A CONSENSUSSATIVE STATION ON OUR
RADIO IN L.A.
AND I REALLY-- I'M JUST TRYING TO LET-- THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE,
DOESN'T TTO LET ALL THAT IN.
>> Stephen: IT DOESN'T AT ALL.
>> OKAY.
I WANT TO HEAR THE REASON BEHIND EVERYTHING ELSE.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S ADMIRABLE.
THAT'S ADMIRABLE.
>> IT'S A LITTLE CRAZY-MAKING, BUT I'M GLAD IT'S ADMIRABLE.
>> Stephen: REAL QUICK, WE HAVE TO GO.
THAT'S OTIS.
YOUR PUPPY.
>> OTIS IS 13.
>> Stephen: OH!
>> HE'S MISSING HIS BOTTOM TEETH SO YOU GET TONGUE INSTEAD!
IT'S SO GREAT, ALWAYS TONGUE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU-- DO YOU LOVE PUPPIES?
>> OH, BEYOND.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THE REASON I ASK YOU IS THAT WE HAVE GOT
SOME FANTASTIC PUPPIES HERE IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT.
AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP ME TELL THE PEOPLE OUT
THERE ABOUT THE PUPPIES WE HAVE TONIGHT.
>> NOTHING WOULD THRILL ME MORE.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE BACK WITH