- I was on a magical drug
for the last 2 1/2, 3 years called Ketamine.
It was amazing.
Oh, what a time.
I thought of amazing ideas,
great ideas,
like an Italian sleep aid called Melatone.
Sorry.
So dumb.
You go to sleep right away with Melatone.
Sorry.
No prescription,
some guy just gives it to you under a bridge
and kisses you on the cheek.
Take one when you at the turnpike, all right?
Eh. Oh. Sorry.
I had an AIDS scare this year.
Yeah, I did and you're like, "Pete, wow.
What's going on in your life?
Are you sharing needles? You doing heroin?
Are you having tons of unprotected sex?"
"No, Kanye told me I had AIDS."
And, uh,
and he's, uh, he's a genius.
So I was like, "Oh, fuck!"
I was like, "I better call my doctor."
The guy who made "College Dropout" thinks I have AIDS.
So I went to the doc,
I actually got checked 'cause I was like,
"Maybe he's right. I don't know."
I was like, "I don't know."
So my doctor told me I don't have AIDS,
I just look like I have it.
So it's a completely different thing.
You know what's really funny about that?
AIDS is just such an old school,
like, thing, like, "You have AIDS."
It's like it's just such a '90s,
early 2000s thing to like...
You know what I mean?
John Mulaney called me, and he is like,
"AIDS? You should spread a rumor that he has polio."
Does anybody else secretly hope that, like,
Kanye pulls like a
Mrs. Doubtfire?
I, like, come home one day and they're like,
"This is the new housekeeper,"
and he is like, "What's up, fam!"
Yeah, it's a,
it's really weird thing to go through, like,
there's, 'cause you know, people try to give you advice,
but even friends that are like older
that they're like, "I don't know."
He's like, "It looks pretty bad, bro.
I hope, good luck.
Sorry. Here if you need."
But like, no advice.
No one was like, "This is what you do."
Everyone was like, "Oh yeah."
"You're staying with your mom?
You're in a safe spot."
But people ask me weird questions.
So it's, that's the only thing I don't like.
They ask you weird stuff.
Like, the other day somebody came up to me
and was like, "I heard you're friends
with Jack Harlow" and I am.
He's a very great, talented rapper.
He is a cool dude, nice guy.
So we're pals, right?
And Kanye put him on his new album,
you know, even though I've been friends with him
for like two, three years, you know, he did it anyway.
And people come up to me and they're like,
"How does that make you feel?
Does that bother you? Does that get under your skin?"
And I'm like, "No, he's a rapper.
That's his field.
That's, what they do.
That doesn't hurt my feelings.
It would hurt my feelings if I saw
like Bill Burr at Sunday service.
I'm like, "What the fuck Bill?"
He'd be like, "Find God, Petie, go fuck yourself."
"Jesus."
It's embarrassing when you're not
on Ketamine anymore though.
You're like, "Ooh,
ooh."
I'm embarrassed, I was out and about like that.
That's not cool. You know?
And I was at funerals like that,
that's fucked up, right?
I was at Aretha Franklin's funeral like that.
Yeah, I have to live with that.
You know what I mean?
She'll never know, but still it's not the point.
You know what I mean?
If she was there,
she would probably be like, "Hey, who are you?
And what the fuck are you doing at my funeral?"
You know?
It's embarrassing. I was so high.
I thought it'd be a good idea
to go up to her family and go,
"Hey, I'm just here to pay my R-E-S-P-E-C-Ts."
Yes.
My, my dad, he, he died 9/11.
I was told, I had to explain that before I do these jokes.
'cause some people don't know.
To which I reported that,
I don't think I should say that
'cause it will just stop the show and make things awkward.
I won,
I was right.
When your dad dies and he works for like the state
or the government or whatever,
I don't know, he's a fireman, whatever that is.
You, sometimes your family gets like a little bit of money.
Not a lot of money, a little bit.
So,
we got a little bit of money
and I remember my mom, you know,
to make me and my sister feel better,
she wanted to get us a pool with the money, right?
She figured she'd get us a pool
and then, you know, like people would want to be our friends
and they would come over and swim in it,
you know, which is dark.
Swim in the death pool.
Yeah, like, it's nice idea.
But the sentiment,
every cannonball has a weird meaning behind it.
Just doing laps every day,
like, is this even, is this even?
No.
No, I remember my mom got us a pool,
me and my sister, right?
And a kid, I was like seven when my dad died.
So like, kids don't understand that shit.
They don't know what's going on, right?
So I remember I got the pool
and kids at school be like, "Yo, you're so lucky, man.
You're rich. You have a pool." You know?
I'd be like, "Yeah, luckily I have a pool
that I fill up with tears every summer,
because that's how you know you're rich
when you could swim in your own sadness.
Thank God Osama bin Laden didn't miss his alarm clock.
You know why? I wouldn't have a fucking pool.
I'm sorry, please come over later.
Yeah, I'd appreciate it.
I just, I just stopped.
I had to stop doing hard drugs,
'cause you can't,
can't be a drug addict in your thirties, you know.
I'm not, I'm not like that guy.
You know, that guy that could just do like one bump of coke?
And he's like, "Oh, I'm so bad."
You know?
Or that guy will have like two beers
and he'll be like, "I might have diarrhea tomorrow."
You're like, "Fuck you, dude, fucking."
Doing drugs in your twenties is fine.
There's an excuse.
You know, you're like, "I'm finding myself." You know?
It's like, it's cute, you know.
Do a little bump off an iPad with your friends,
it's adorable.
Say cute things like,
"I'm a crispy little dolphin." You know?
All your boys are like,
you know?
And then one of your boys has a kid
and you're holding it and you're like,
"I think I'm a drug addict."
"Look at that.
I think I need some help."
Anyway, so he looks very confused
and he's like, "Sit down."
So I do.
And he goes, "So, ah,
Louis came in
and told me that you smoke weed."
And I was like, "Yes,
the rumors that you have heard
ring true.
And then I saw with his eyes, he kind of looked deflated.
Like he didn't know what to say, you know.
Like, 'cause with his eyes, he is like,
"I'm sorry we're having this conversation,
but like Louis told on you and he told me to talk to you.
And like, you know,
personally, I don't think this is a big deal,
'cause people used to do coke here,
and I kind of think you're a pussy actually, so-"
"I'm really sorry we're having this conversation, you know?"
And I read that with his eyes
and with my eyes, I said, "No doubt homie."
So,
you know, it was just like awkward
for another second and it was quiet.
And then he goes, "Yeah. So I guess,
you know, what you could do is, I guess,
you know, because I, he said, you smoke a lot of weed,
so maybe you could just like watch the amount
of weed that you smoke."
And I was like, "All right, I'll watch."
I was like, "I'll never leave it outta my sight.
I was like, no problem, man of my word."
And I was like, he goes, "Yeah."
He goes, "I'm, again, I'm sorry
to have this conversation with you
but Louis brought it to my attention, said, you know,
you're smoking your career away
and you smoke so much weed in the office the other day
that it actually made him uncomfortable."
And I was like, "Oh, shit, like, really?"
And he's like, "Yeah."
And I was like, "Oh, so like, am I fired?"
And he was like, "No".
And I was like, "Why?"
And he was like, "I don't know."
Which again is a conversation we have yearly,
on a yearly basis.
Is this the year? I don't know. Not yet. I don't know.
We'll figure it out, but I don't know.
And that fucking killed me.
You know, like I had to leave that office like with that,
you know, just like Louis CK doesn't like you, you know,
one of the best comedians arguably ever, you know,
and especially at the time, like,
you wanna,
it just killed me.
You know? 'cause that if, like,
why am I even doing standup if this,
if this guy doesn't like me?
You know, that's what somebody's approval you want.
And I was like, this guy fucking doesn't
like me 'cause I smoke weed.
That sucks. You know?
And I had to like sit with that
for like five years, you know?
And then one glorious morning,
I woke up
and I read Louis CK jerks off in front of women.
And I went, "Yes."
I'm so, you know what I mean?
Like, I didn't want it to happen,
but if it was gonna happen to anybody, I'm glad it was him.
You know, does that make sense?
Okay.
My mom's like an Irish Catholic, Staten Island mom.
Like she didn't tell me I was Jewish till I was 25.
And that's because I found out.
I did a 23 and Me, or Ancestry, or whatever,
one of my boys came back and he did it.
He came back Neanderthal.
And he was talking all this like weird Neanderthal shit.
He was like, "I'm Neanderthal.
It's actually like the rarest fucking,
fucking, da, da, daa"
I was like, "You're still a dork.
You're still a fucking stupid dork."
So he was talking all this shit.
I was like, "I gotta get swabbed.
Maybe I'm the Neanderthal or something.
I don't know."
And it came back, I was like 50% Jewish.
And I called my mom 'cause I was raised Catholic
and you know,
all that forever, you know?
And I was like, "Mom, am I Jewish?"
And she was like, "Yeah."
This is the only thing I didn't like
that I got out of it,
which everybody is a common misconception.
I don't like that she talked all the shit
on like behalf of my dick.
I thought that was like super weird.
She was like, "Yeah, it didn't work out.
But like, nice dick."
I thought that was really weird.
'cause like everybody was like, "Oh, that's
what a nice, what a nice girl."
First of all, good to take a step back.
Can you imagine if I said that shit?
You imagine, I was like,
"Sorry I didn't work out.
Nice pussy though!
That shit wet! Woo!
Good. Pussy. But sorry."
It's ridiculous.
Just have to sit there, and like ah.
Yeah, this is the only thing, it just did,
I didn't like it because it's just simply not true.
Yeah, yeah. It's just not,
she has a little tiny little hands.
She has very little hands.
Everything's fucking huge to her,
yeah.
It was a joke the entire time we were down.
I was like, "You know, huge to you,
but small to everyone else. This rocks."
You know?
So you ask yourself,
you're like, why then?
Why if she knows this information,
then why would she tell everybody
what a great big penis you have, right?
Why would she do that, you know,
'cause to the outside you're like,
"Wow, what a nice lady didn't work out,
gave 'em a nice word, you know?
Told everybody has a nice penis."
Right? That's not why,
she did that, so that,
she's a genius, remember this.
She's a very smart person. Okay.
She did that so that every girl that sees my dick
for the rest of my life is disappointed.
It's genius.
It's a lifetime L.
You know, it's weird when you get a stalker,
'cause there's two parts of your brain, you know,
first time you get a stalker, you're like,
"Oh my God, this is so weird and scary."
But then there's the other part of your brain that's like,
"I guess I'm doing well."
And then you get a good look at your stalker
and you're like, "Maybe not so well, huh?"
I'll never forget I met her,
she was outside my house wearing a shirt
with my face on it.
And it wasn't even a flattering photo.
It was like blown up and warped,
my eyes were all over.
It was like a nightmare.
It was so I, it insulted me.
I almost wanted to go. It was so bad.
I wanted to go up to her and be like,
"Hey, if you're ever gonna do this,
like here's five photos of myself that I like.
Okay."
So, you know, I pull up, she's out there, you know,
and she's a stalker, you know, so, you know,
not hot, you know.
That's just what you picture when you picture a stalker.
You know, not hot, you know,
if they were hot, they wouldn't be a stalker.
I mean, they'd be my girlfriend.
You know what I mean?
So yeah. "How much do you love me?
We'll figure it out.
Get up there."