Bernie Sanders.
He's become famous as the guy fighting against
(imitating Sanders): "the millionaires and billionaires."
But now, he might have to have a conversation
with the man in the mirror.
MAN: Senator Bernie Sanders says he is a millionaire.
The Vermont senator has denounced millionaires
for years, but admitted to Ed O'Keefe
the book earned him significant royalties.
I wrote two books in recent years.
One of 'em was a bestseller
on the New York Times Best Seller list,
translated to five or six languages.
It did very well. I made money on that book.
Wow. Bernie Sanders,
aka the enemy of the rich, aka Socialist Superman,
has come out as a millionaire.
And it's funny that he had to come out as a millionaire.
Like, I wonder if he came out to his family first.
"Guys, there's something I need to tell you.
I'm actually rich."
And I bet his family was like,
"Oh, Bernie, we've known for years.
"We had a feeling
when you started ordering appetizers, Bernie."
(laughter)
Now, obviously, for many people, this is a bit shocking,
because hating millionaires is Bernie's whole thing, you know.
This is like finding out Donald Trump is secretly Mexican.
You know, it's just like,
(with accent): "We need to build a wall
"to keep my in-laws from coming over!
Make America grande again."
(laughter, applause)
And now, look, look, obviously,
Bernie's not gonna change his core principles because of this.
That's not who he is.
But I do think it would be funny
if we started picking up subtle changes.
You know, if he... in his speeches, he was like,
"Now that I think about it, the one percent aren't that bad.
"It's the point one percent that are really bad...
"What? We sold another book?
It's the 0.01% that are really bad."
All right, moving on.
Space-- it's the thing astronomers love
and my girlfriend wants more of, whatever that means.
And today, we're seeing part of it that we've never seen before.
MAN: An historic photo.
Scientists releasing the first-ever picture
of a black hole in space.
WOMAN: This is for the first time ever.
This image, which captured by a global network of telescopes,
is being unveiled in a series
of simultaneous press conferences around the world.
This is amazing.
The first picture ever of a black hole.
And, like, everything that's come out
about it has been incredible, right?
The size is incredible.
It is bigger than our entire solar system.
And, apparently-- get this-- they had to use, like,
every major telescope in the world at the same time
just to get this picture.
Yeah, because it's really hard to get a photo of a black hole.
Even harder than getting a photo
of Melania smiling next to Trump.
Really, really hard.
And I know, right now, some of you are like,
"Trevor, what's the big deal?
I already knew what a black hole looks like."
No. You see, that's the thing. You didn't.
You didn't. None of us did.
All we knew is what Hollywood made up, right,
and it turns out, they were basically right.
(laughter)
Which is crazy. Like, if anything,
we should blame Hollywood for taking away the surprise.
Their imagination is too good.
Like, I'll bet it's gonna be the same thing with aliens.
Aliens are gonna come down to earth, and if you think about,
movies have come up with so many different kinds of aliens,
there aren't any ones that could surprise us.
Aliens are gonna land, and we'll be like,
"Oh, look, it's the Mars Attacks! guys. Yeah!"
Like, like, there's no alien that can surprise us.
Like, nothing. Unless may...
Like, okay, one. There's one that could.
What if aliens looked like giant penises?
That would be a surprise, right?
Because they'd come down, you'd be like,
"Whoa. Wait, wait. What?! What?!"
And they'd be like, "We are here to free our brethren
"who are attached to you.
Bring out the freedom blades."
"Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!"
(laughter)
All right, anyway, while we're on the subject
of black holes-- Congress.
Yesterday, Steve Mnuchin, Treasury Secretary
and plant from Little Shop of Horrors,
was there for an oversight hearing,
and I-I just want to show you guys one moment.
You don't even need to know what the hearing was about.
All you need to know is that Mnuchin started complaining
that the hearing was taking too long,
which did not sit well
with the committee chairwoman, Aunty Maxine.
If you'd wish to keep me here
so that I don't have my important meeting,
and continue to grill me, then we can do that.
I will cancel my meeting, and I will not be back here.
I will be very clear, if that's the way
you'd like to have this relationship.
MAXINE WATERS: Thank you.
The gentleman, the Secretary,
has agreed to stay to hear all of the rest of the members.
MNUCHIN: Okay, so just let's be clear to the press.
-Please cancel your meeting and respect our time. -Cancel it...
What I told you is, I thought it was respectful that you'd let me
leave at 5:15, which is the current period of time.
WATERS: You are free to leave any time you want.
-You may go any time you want. -Okay, well, then, uh, please...
Pl-Please dismiss everybody.
I believe you are supposed to take the gravel and-and bang it.
-That's the appropriate... -Please, do not instruct me as
to how I am to conduct this committee.
Ooh!
Damn!
(applause and cheering)
Oh!
Wow! Look at those eyes.
It looked like Mnuchin was about to get his ass beat.
(laughter)
He was so flustered. He was like, "You got the gravel."
"The what?" "The gravel!"
He probably went home that night crying, like,
"Viola Davis was so mean to me!"
(laughter)
Like, I've never seen anything like this in Congress before.
Like, this exchange was so testy, it felt less
like a congressional hearing
and more like we were watching a couple on a really bad date.
(piano plays slow, romantic music)
Here is the check the gentleman requested.
He said he had to leave early.
I-I have... I have a foreign leader waiting
in my office at 5:30, okay?
I agreed to stay longer.
It-it will be embarrassing if I keep this person waiting
for a long period of time. I've sat here
for over three hours and 15 minutes.
If you wish to leave, you may.
-Can you clarify that for me? -Yes.
-Obvious... -If you wish to leave, you may leave.
Okay, so, we're-we're dismissed, is that correct?
If you wish to leave, you may leave.
I don't understand what you're saying.
-Half... -You're wasting your time. Don't...
Remember, you have a-a foreign dignitary in your office.
We take Visa, Mastercard.
If you'd wish to keep me here
so that I don't have my important meeting
and continue to grill me, then we can do that.
I will be very clear, if that's the way
you'd like to have this relationship.
Thank you. The gentleman,
the secretary has agreed to stay.
You know, I'll just pay for this myself, so...