(wine glass chimes)
- Everybody in, swello.
- Wendy and I would like to say a few words.
- Okay, now you're probably all wondering
why you're dressed as movies, right?
So, this is a celebration of Aspy and I's
exit from the film industry.
- You see, we started as fans,
and then we became very active filmmakers.
But we've decided to return to our roots as fans
and we wanna do it with you,
our closest current drug-using friends.
Let's have fun tonight.
Guys, this isn't a funeral, this is a rebirth.
- A phoenix!
- Do drugs and be merry. - Do drugs, have a great time.
Boogie nights.
(dramatic music plays)
(jazzy music plays)
(knocking on door)
- That's why Alan Alda is a sex symbol.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
- [Both] Oh, hello.
- (chuckles) Hi.
- Young, beautiful geisha.
Are you here for the party?
You're a little early,
but the early bird gets the wormy worm.
- And that's, that's code for schwanz.
- I'm here because the super said
there's some complaints about some possible hoarding.
- Whoring, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, oh no. Hoarding. With a D.
- Are you the cleaning lady?
- I'm a clutter specialist.
- I say entre, entre, my dear.
- All right, then.
- Come in. Come into our dojo.
So, do you have a ride?
Does anyone know you're here?
- Smells like tuna in here.
- Oh, thank you.
- Well, you guys are planning on having a party here?
Tonight?
- Right, we're having a real, sort of a swingers thing.
- But you know we should get rid of some things
to make space for your--
- Absolutely, that's what I've been saying, you and me.
- Big, big party. Wow.
- What do you mean?
Why would we get rid of anything?
- Well, let's start with these newspapers.
- Totally.
- Excuse me, then how am I supposed to keep a record
of every time that Alan Alda
is mentioned inside of a newspaper?
- We call it all the news that's fit to print.
It's a thing we like to stack.
- Oh, you know what?
You have just a great, lovely snow globe collection here.
- Thank you.
- I mean, it's covered by this duck sauce here.
- Yeah, well then,
what are we supposed to brush our teeth with
if we don't use the duck sauce?
- No.
- No, you don't!
(Gil screams)
- Ohhoho, and is duck sauce everywhere!
- Nobody needs this much duck sauce.
- You're tearing us apart, Yoko.
- She's not Yoko, she's Connie Chung to our two Maurys.
You gotta relax, please.
(Gil groans) - I'm having a panic attack.
I'm having great anxiety, man.
- You know what's happening?
The state of this apartment,
it's like that A&E show,
Inside the Actor's Studio.
You know, cause you're an artist, and you're creative.
- Yeah, cause I'm creative!
- I can't have you interfere
with another lay of mine, man.
I need this one.
Come here, my best friend, come here.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Take your 9/11 snow globe.
Lay down.
Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to take a couple Xanax.
Okay? Here's, ten's a couple.
I'm gonna work with her.
I won't let her touch anything.
Everything will be fine by the time you wake up.
Let's get rid of everything, right?
- Great. Let's go to the kitchen.
- Okay. Do you do gross Polaroids?
(mellow jazz plays)
- So we submitted to the New Yorker,
and they took away our subscription.
Would you believe that?
- You know, I did my, my thesis on the history
of the turtleneck sweater,
and the first one was made out of wood.
(George knocks on door)
- Rise and wine!
- Oh, God. I just had a nightmare
that Hot Lips from M*A*S*H attacked me.
Where's all my stuff?
Where's my newspapers?
- Oh, don't worry, they're burnt.
And the party started!
- Who's here?
- Only some of the hottest singles
from my Kashi addiction group.
Glen Petronia, welcome.
- Good friends.
- Kashi! And some of the most disgraced professors
on the Upper West Side.
These women are wetter than an aqua sock.
(Gil and George groan)
- Georgie!
- Oh crap, Sylvia.
She's wanted to sleep with me since the wall came down.
- The Berlin Wall?
- No, that Tupac mural on 90th.
- Georgie, ah, there you are.
We're about to do impressions
of our favorite NPR personalities. Are you in?
- Oh, uh, 'fraid not. 'Fraid not, Syl, can't right now.
- Of course. Gil must be dragging you down
to see Joel play music.
- Who's what, now?
- Your son.
- Oh, my beautiful son Joel, the light of my life.
It's a very conflicting subject, fathers and sons,
and it makes me want to go have a Clamhattan, excuse me.
- You know what? This party is a snooze-a-thon.
We gotta go downtown, mix it up.
- I don't know.
I guess it'd be good to reconnect with my boy Joel.
- Yeah, also we could dingle
some of those City College coeds.
(Gil squeals)
- To downtown.
- Woo. I can still really taste the clams.
- Still, with downtown NYC.
(techno music begins)
- Hey, is there music playing?
Because I know that I'm shouting.
- Oh, finally, all right.
Look at these young coeds
- All right, downtown!
- Bingo bongo! Excuse me. All right!
- Who's Nosferatu up there?
- Oh, that's my sweet Joel.
Hey, sweet Joel!
(music ends)
(audience applauds)
Yay! Cut the music, cut the music.
- Dad?
- Sweetheart, I told you not
to call me dad anymore, remember?
I'm Gil.
You remember my best friend, George St. Geegland?
- It's me, Uncle George, George St. Geegland.
- Yeah, sure, I...
- Tell me, who's a little spark plug in the hat there?
The girl with the child's body?
- It's my friend.
- You know how to get into her apartment?
- I'm so proud of you, Joel.
Look at you, doing your thing.
You're still trying!
- You know what Lou Reed once said?
- "Get out of my bedroom,
you guys are masturbating in here
and this is my home."
- What?
- I know that I haven't really been anywhere near you
for about 10, 15 years, but I just want to say to you
that we need a little bit of cash for the ride home.
- For cabby cab.
We don't do bus.
- Get outta here.
- Thanks, son.
And boy oh boy, it's great to see you.
- Gil.
- What's that, Joely?
- What'd you think of my music?
(emotional music plays)
- You know, I've never been the best judge of songs.
(upbeat music begins)
- (all) Hi!
Hey!
- Hello? Oh, hi, are you with the bounce house?
- Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I'm Jeff.
- Oh, you are? Okay.
Oh, we, we have a front door.
- Oh, sure.
- So you're, I'm sorry,
you're Je-- you're not Johnny, then?
- No, no. Johnny's my brother.
He killed himself, so.
- Honey!
- Yeah, I think your fence is broken.
- Yeah, it's not, or it wasn't.
Be careful. I really, I don't want a lawsuit.
Honey!
Um, that's...
- All right, kids! All right, kids!
(Jeff laughs)
Now we're having fun already. All right, okay.
(Jeff claps)
It's Bella's birthday, so she's running the show.
It's me, and then it's Bella.
All right, this is the most exciting part.
Kids! Look at this!
- [Mother] Right!
- Come to life! You look at this house get filled with air
just like I watched the air leave my my brother's body
when he killed himself in front of me.
- [Mother] You know what, Jeff?
- What's that, Mom?
- We're gonna maybe not visit that topic anymore.
(upbeat music plays)
- What's the snack situation?
- Making real heavy eye contact there, man.
(Jeff mutters incredulously) Are you hitting, is this a...?
- Nah, I'm not a, I'm not a, no, no.
Trust me, I had plenty of opportunities
in prison to do that, but I didn't.
Okay. All right.
Hey, Bella. Give Uncle Jeff a push in the tush.
It's Uncle Jeff.
You guys are sitting on where my brother passed.
Here's the video you know, they just, kids loved him.
They would just swarm him.
You know, I don't have that relationship with kids,
but you guys seem cool.
We should lock down plans.
- What are you doing?
- Just hanging out with the kids, telling 'em stories.
- Okay. Kids, you wanna, who has to go to the bathroom?
- I do.
- Everybody, come on. Here comes the cake.
It's Bella's birthday. Let's make a wish.
- Wish my brother hadn't killed himself.
But you know what I also wish for is a new family
and I feel like I have,
(voice breaks) I feel like I have that with you guys,
so let's wish for that.
(Jeff exhales loudly)
(Bella mutters indignantly)
What's your favorite Will Smith movie?
(upbeat music plays)
- My niece Denise is coming to visit me in Los Angeles.
- I'm my Aunt Elizabeth's niece Denise.
- You know what? I just have to take this call.
You guys sit down and figure it out.
- Wait, no, Liz!
- No, just do it. I gotta take this call.
I'll see you guys in a minute.
- You're my niece now.
(funky music plays)
- Whoop! Uh, hey, that's perverted.
Good grief! God, quit it!
Holy smokes.
Ooh!
- Oh, Denise!
- Denise, what's going on?
- Hey, Aspen. Hey, Wendy.
Uh, I was just wondering
if you found my Aunt Elizabeth at this point.
- Oh, what's the situation again?
- Yeah.
- Okay. I came to California to visit my Aunt Elizabeth.
By some sort of mix-up,
I wound up with a photographer who left me here,
and then I went into the doghouse to rest.
- You're our rescue girl!
- Right? You're in the doghouse.
- But not because I'm in trouble.
- I just want you to know that you're our rescue girl
because the (beep) ASPCA
won't let us take pit bulls anymore.
- Yeah, they think we're fighting them.
All we're doing is just drowning them.
(explosion booms)
- Everybody in. Swello!
- Wendy and I would like to say a few words.
- Okay. Now you're probably all wondering
why you're dressed as movies, right?
So this is a celebration
of Aspy and I's exit from the film industry.
- You see, we started as fans,
and then we became very active filmmakers.
But we've decided to return to our roots as fans,
and we want to do it with you,
our closest current drug-using friends.
Let's have fun tonight.
Guys, this isn't a funeral.
This is a rebirth.
- A phoenix!
- Do drugs and be merry! - Do drugs, have a great time.
Boogie nights.
Whoa, are you wigging out?
- I'm just gonna go to the chill room and smoke opium,
Legends of the Fall style.
What's up, chill room?
Aspy Brucks in the hizzle.
- Hey. Oh my God.
- No, no, no.
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
Dude. Jon Heder is Jon here!
- Yeah.
- Dude, check it out.
- Yeah.
- Vote for Pedro.
- Yeah. No, it never gets old.
It's awesome.
- Is everybody like glomming onto you and being crazy?
- Oh, no. Not really, I mean, it's nice.
- Because if they are, you should feel free to leave.
- Oh, no. I mean, it's cool.
I mean, people are being really great.
- Oh, you should just get outta here then.
- Yeah, um.
- You know, I'm dressed as your character and I feel like,
you're kind of maybe like biting a little of my style.
- I'll get out of your hair.
I mean, I don't wanna...
- Oh, cheers, thank you so much.
- Yeah.
I don't wanna hurt the party. - Cheers, cheers.
- No, cheers, then.
- Yeah, I get it.
- Cheers.
- Hey. Okay.
- Thank you so much for coming. Cheers.
- I don't think there's a non-awkward way of doing that.
- No. Cheers.
- But yeah, man, I just, I wanted to...
- Yeah, man, totally.
(door slams)
Do you wanna smoke opium out of my dick?
(energetic hip-hop music plays)
- Welcome to Dad Academy After Dark.
C-Czar's fall from grace.
- Now C-Czar needs to blow off some steam,
so I'm taking him to some rich guy's party
in the Hollywood Hills.
- Rob Funches, tiny professor.
Those are two mother(beep)s I could crush.
- Sometimes you gotta be tested
to find out what type of man you are.
I'll take you right back.
- I'm not going back to no graduation, man.
I'm running away from that.
I don't need that kind of (beep).
(hip hop music plays)
- Oh, snap!
It's Charlie from the chocolate factory.
Jabba the slut!
Oh no, it's Kung Fu Panda!
Get the (beep) out my way, man!
- Oh, snap.
What's going on, ladies?
How you feeling?
- OMG! Ladies and gentlemen,
it's James Franco from Spring Breakers!
Bro, check it.
Gosling from Drive.
How are you?
- I don't know what you're talking about, man.
(Wendy laughs)
- You're the best, dude. You're hilarious. Hi.
Oh my God, Ron Funches, my favorite TV lawyer.
Dude, you totally rule.
- Well, you're very scary to me.
- You're like a big couch.
I love you.
Here's costumes from the original motion picture,
Dick Tracy, so just put those on.
We kinda got a film thing going on, but film's dead to us,
so just keep that in mind, okay?
- I'm rejecting my TV show.
- Cool, do you want some crank?
(dramatic music plays) You're the VIP of this party,
and I want you to do cocaine right now.
This is terrible.
- I don't know, man.
I'm about to become a father, and now I got this TV show,
and I'm supposed to graduate Dad Academy
but I also wanna reject all those responsibilities!
- Here's what I'm hearing:
I'm angry, I'm good looking, I'm famous, let's party.
- Yeah, let's party.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I don't care what the wallet says!
- Cool. Yes!
(Wendy laughs maniacally)
That was a lot!
(C-Czar breathes heavily)
(bottle shatters loudly)
(C-Czar groans)
Amazing! Ah. Good, good, good, good.
(C-Czar screams)
- Yeah! Yeah!
- Letting C-Czar snort crank was a mistake.
(discordant electronic music plays)
- There must be a lot of movie villains in here,
but I'm the only real life villain at this party!
Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam!
- At this point, I'm not so sure
C-Czar's gonna come back to the graduation.
- Oh, snap, a doghouse.
Yo, lemme get in that doghouse.
- No, sorry. It's taken.
- Come on.
- No, I don't want,
I'm in this doghouse right now.
Please leave.
- I'm C-Czar.
- My name is, I'm Denise.
I'm just, I'm Denise.
- Can I tell you a secret?
- Sure.
- I was crate trained.
- Oh, that's cool.
- Yo, that's a cool Katniss costume.
- Yeah, I'm Katniss from the movie Katniss.
- Yeah, from Hunger Games.
- That's what I meant.
I miss my real clothes though.
Believe it or not, I'm not normally dressed like Katniss.
- Then why don't you go home?
- I don't even know how to get here. I'm not even from here.
I flew on an airplane to come meet my aunt Elizabeth,
but she didn't even come meet me at the airport.
Now I'm living in a dog house.
- Right? It's like you can't trust adults.
- You can't crush the dolt?
- You can't trust adults.
- Oh, you, well, yeah, you can.
You just have to trust the right ones.
- Are you scared?
- I need like a parent or a guardian to get me out of here.
- I want to be wild and run away from responsibility,
but at the same time, I'm like, this girl needs my help.
- I think you know what to do.
- Denise, this is my friend Ron Funches.
- Are you from the original motion picture Dick Tracy,
starring Warren Beatty
and his girlfriend at the time, Madonna?
- You're good at movies!
- Thank you.
- Ron Funches, what should I do?
This poor girl needs help.
- Answers on your arm, man.
Why do you think we tattooed you?
- Making good choices, setting limits.
I'm gonna get you outta here, Denise. You trust me?
- Yes, C-Czar.
- All right, Denise.
- Okay.
- I can feel my parental instincts kicking in,
(inspirational music begins)
and I see a little girl in need,
and I wanna straight up help you.
Because I'm a villain,
but I'm a good villain.
(dramatic music plays)