DOH!
I’m working on my Homer Simpson.
Normally, I’d leave this mimicry outside the studio, unless of course I happened to
be covering Krusty’s Super Fun House or Bart’s Nightmare.
But in this case, it’s perfectly justified, as the name of the evil force represented
by... a wireframe moai statue.
Man.
It’s always a moai statue, isn’t it?
If it’s not Gradius or Wai Wai World, it’s Arkanoid.
Oh, great.
I’ve lost my train of thought.
DOH!
DOH being, of course, that huge reality-warping moai that torments the Vaus, the oblong scout
module of the mothership Arkanoid.
Now you know the names of all these things.
Chances are, too, that you’re familiar with the gameplay: You bounce a ball toward a collection
of bricks, which disappear on contact, and continue to do so until the playing field
is empty.
It started with Breakout on the Atari, and continues to this day with Wizorb and Alphabounce.
But Arkanoid’s long been an arcade staple here in the states, and it hit the SNES like
a bat out of a deep-space spatial anomaly.
Or Meat Loaf.
One of the two.
Anyway!
Setting this version apart from those what came before - that is to say, the 1986 arcade
version, is a massive increase in depth, from 36 to 99 levels, including several boss confrontations
at each tautonymic round.
The standard slew of power-ups are in effect, each contained in its own Good & Plenty.
Some people think they’re Mike & Ikes, but I know the truth.
All powerups have licorice centers.
These convey blessings such as multi-ball madness, a sticky paddle for more precise
shooting, and an elongated paddle for fewer stupid deaths.
But those come fast and furious, as the digital input of the SNES d-pad is woefully slow compared
to the arcade’s dial-style paddle, or the stylus support afforded by Alphabounce on
the DS.
Fortunately, a lucky few SNES owners might happen to own the tool capable of taming this
beast: THE MOUSE.
Yes, only a handful of games support that good ol’ Mario Paint tag-along (and even
fewer in the states), but that mouse will serve you in good stead as you paddle away
block after block.
It’s certainly a step up from the old old arcade Arkanoid, but for a 1997 Super NES
release - yes, that’s right, 1997 - One couldn’t help but ask for more.
I mean, this came a year after Star Ocean established the precipice of the SNES’s
capability.
One has to ask, why the SNES and not the N64?
With the more advanced system, you’d at least get an analog stick to work with.
Question the decisions all you want, the point’s all the same when you hear that iconic musical
hit.
Do it, Rockapella.
Thank you.
Those 12 notes...
rather, 8 notes and four timpani hits... instantly transport me to my childhood roost in the
2nd floor game room of Luigi’s Pizza, where the weird game with the dial stood between
Blockout and Mr. Do.
Sure, there are shinier versions and reinterpretations and upgrades... but sometimes, you just want
home.
You want NHL ‘94.
You want Street Fighter sans Super, thank you very much.
You want to go home.
Well, beat down this moai statue thing, and you just might.