Hello ~World Wide Web~ Kat: *wheezes*
Larry: Oh my god....we're a little rusty. K: Kat. Larry. Rust factor: HIGH
This is a video about Survive the Night by Riley Sager. We both hated it. Where are your
notes? *Larry points to his brain cage* *Kat maniacally laughs*
He doesn't even need the receipts!! L: I wish I had something intelligent to say
about this book, but there was nothing intelligent about this book. So, don't spend any of your
precious time on it. It was, in one word, TRASH.
Two weeks ago we read this book. You were done before I was. You were hot
K: Yeah, there were multiple phone calls
L: The text messages, the phone calls K: Hot off the presses--- what the fuck is
this shit L: I didn't even shave today
K: You didn't? Could've fooled me *more laughter* L: I wanted to bring the raw rage for Riley Sager
(I still don't know what this has to do with facial hair but larry must know something we don't)
L: I'm coming for ya
So, do you want to talk? Because I've just
been filling up the screen with my thoughts K: That's okay, your presence has been requested
*cue Larry's disbelief that the internet likes him*
K: I'm gonna fist fight you right now if you don't stop arguing with me.
I don't even know what I want to say Bad book. Bad book was bad.
L: Do you want me to read your notes? K: Read my intellect to me.
L: Can I leave out the swear words? K: No.
L: It started out boring, pulled a convoluted twist out of EFFING nowhere, and ended boring.
I SO did not think that this was gonna be a part of this review, but I guess Riley Sager
is a romantic at heart. Maybe true? He never fails to add a completely unnecessary love
interest to his stories. At least in the past they have been obvious red flags (red herrings
is what I meant lol) to try to trick the reader about who the killer is, but in this book,
WE DO. NOT. MARRY OUR KIDNAPPERS. THAT IS NOT A THING. I DON'T CARE HOW MANY MOVIES
THE MAN TAKES YOU TO SEE.
"...and Charlie understands with the certainty of someone who has seen this movie a hundred
times before, that only one of them will live to see the dawn."
K: He, like, throws his whole chest into "only one of them will survive" but you can't do
that because we know it's gonna be Charlie who survives.
L: Yeah, there's no way Char-- I mean-- K: Also, WAIT
They BOTH survived! L: They did!
K: You fucking liar, Riley
L: Bro can't even get his story straight. IM YELLIN
And Charlie is over her gaslight-- is over her gaslighting the F out of herself.
K: *laughing* Here...it's a typo... L: Someone needs to tell this bitch her instincts
are valid RIGHT NOW. *air horn noises???*
*laughing* *wheezing* *general sounds of dying*
"Being plucky means being brave and facing the situation head on. It doesn't mean throwing open
the passenger side door and flinging herself out of the car, injuries be damned."
L: nO. That's LITERALLY what it means!! Like, let's pretend for a second that a woman gets
in a car with ~bad vibes, man~ the moment you confirm your suspicion, GET OUT! That's
the move! Pull a Crazy Stupid Love and-- *expiring from laughter*
--roll out of the car.
L: Jesus Christ this shit is dumb. *looks at daughter in disappointment*
.....Oh my god, you swear a lot....
L: Riley Sager writes under a gender neutral pseudonym to appeal to the wider audience
who read crime thrillers. He writes female mains exclusively, and never have they been
good. And somehow he gets away with it, sells books like nobody's business *whispers* it's
baffling.
*symphony of throat clears*
"There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. Charlie knows
it well, seeing as she has spent the past two months dwelling there. Now it's time to
get the fuck out. Something in Charlie's chest begins to harden (scott). Her heart. Another look
in the mirror confirms it-- she is changing..."
K: *scrolls through quote" blah blah blah blah blah....nobody cares....who gives a fuck...
"...she feels bold, fearless, dangerous (easy, breezy, beautiful, covergirl). She's no longer
the scared, self loathing girl she was when she left campus. She's something else. A fucking
femme fatale. She's going to leave this bathroom, then the diner, then she's gonna get back
into the car with Josh (the killer). She doesn't know how, and doesn't know when, but she is
going to make him pay for what he's done.
L: No one does that. K: THAT'S NOT A THING.
L: No one does that. K: THAT'S NOT A THING. WHEN HAS THAT EVER
BEEN A THING EVER? L: The only good thing I have to say about
this book is that it highlights what is so weak about all of this author's books. And
maybe it'll sway more people over to the side of not loving every thriller he shits out.
L: This book, I do not recommend. K: That is the most gentle way--
L: I STRONGLY do not recommend-- K: Oh, he STRONGLY do not recommend.
L: I don't have the same reputation you do on the internet. I have one of kindness in
my heart. K: I'm kind! I'm just passionate!
L: This'll be the last book that I read by this author.
We have plenty of other stuff to read and I am looking forward to it.
*high five montage*
L: Alright K: Okay
L: Ready? You done? K: I don't have an outro
L: I don't have an outro either Thanks for watching....BYE!
*cut to black*
K: Can you tell that I haven't filmed in two months?
(yes)
L: We just need to cleanse our palette with something else
K: I was gonna recommend you something, but then I was like "mmmmmmmm"
L: Some of that love smut you're reading? *kat simply passes away*
fin.