Let's begin with King Charles, the undisputed winner
of white privilege.
It's been one year since he was crowned eldest boy,
and he just got the photos developed.
Mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait
just unveiled of King Charles.
Take a look.
It is the first since his coronation.
The oil on canvas work of art features
the King dressed in all red, with a red background.
He's wearing the uniform of the Welsh guards,
but there's also a butterfly landing
over his right shoulder.
Oh, ah!
I just remembered, I have to buy tampons.
Buy tampons.
Now, obviously, this is a pretty
big departure from other portraits of the royal family.
For example, Queen Elizabeth was often painted
with her beloved corgis.
Compare that to Charles, who looks like he was
painted with her corgis once Kristi
Noem was finished with them.
I do like having the butterfly there, though.
It says, I may be King of England,
but I still love that song that goes, come my lady,
come, come, my lady, you're my butterfly, sugar, baby.
It's a great song.
It's a really great song.
Still holds up.
Now, clearly, this painting has gotten
a lot of negative feedback, but King Charles
swears that he loves the portrait, which probably
means he's having an affair with another portrait
on the side.
But let's move on from a leader who struggled with infidelity
to a leader who has no problem with it at all, Donald Trump.
There's been a lot of news on the campaign trail today,
so let's get right into another edition of "Indecision 2024."
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
So it looked like today was going to be a quiet day
on the campaign trail.
It's Wednesday, so Donald Trump had the day off from his porn
star hush money trial, which he was
going to spend trying to guess Melania's new phone number.
But his arch nemesis, Joe Biden, had other plans.
And breaking news just moments ago.
President Biden throws down the gauntlet,
and frankly, some shade to Donald Trump,
challenging him to a debate.
Donald Trump lost two debates to me in 2020.
And since then, he hasn't shown up for a debate.
Now he's acting like he wants to debate me again.
Well, make my day, pal.
I'll even do it twice.
Let's pick the dates, Donald.
I hear you're free on Wednesdays.
Oh, shit!
Yeah!
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Now, that's the Joe Biden I know and moderately like.
He ain't scared of nothing, besides natural causes.
I got to admit, there was part of me that thought
Joe Biden would be afraid to debate Donald Trump,
because, you know, debating involves a lot of talking
and thinking and standing.
But whoo!
The way that he powered through that 14-second video
makes me think he's got this.
Now, I don't know exactly why he dropped this challenge now.
Maybe he heard all those stories
about Trump sleeping through the trial and thought,
I can take this guy.
We're on the same nap schedule.
But come on.
Trump skipped every primary debate like it was foreplay.
There's no way he's going to accept Biden's challenge.
The former president responded to that video this
morning on Truth Social, saying,
"just tell me when, I'll be there,
let's get ready to rumble."
Oh, shit!
It's on!
Yeah!
Let's get ready to rumble.
Make my day.
I see dead people.
I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.
Wednesdays we wear pink.
Welcome to Jurassic Park.
Yeah, we're making moves now.
Biden and Trump have agreed to debate.
But they still need to agree on a date and a host.
And those logistics don't just come
together within 45 minutes.
President Joe Biden and Donald Trump
have just accepted CNN's invitation
to hold a debate on June 27.
That's just in a few weeks.
Wow.
OK, June 27.
Joe Biden is going to be debating Donald Trump.
Yay.
I can't wait to watch, like this.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
But, yeah, everything moved so quickly.
Biden dropped that video, and by noon, they
had scheduled two debates.
It's amazing how when they want to do something,
they can get it done super fast.
Kind of makes you wonder why they don't
fix other problems this fast.
But whatever.
We'll enjoy it.
Now, obviously, there are still details to be worked out,
because even though Joe Biden said, make my day,
he really meant, make my day subject
to terms and conditions.
The Biden campaign wants the debate
to occur inside a TV studio with microphones
that automatically cut off when a speaker's time limit elapses.
And they want it to be just the two candidates
and the moderator, without the raucous, in-person audiences
that Mr. Trump feeds on, and without the participation
of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. or other independent
or third-party candidates.
Yeah, I get where Biden's coming from on this.
You don't want crowds, because they give Donald Trump energy,
and you don't want RFK Jr., because you
can't risk losing to the guy with the brain worms.
So they have to work out the details.
Trump has to agree to Biden's stipulations,
and he might have demands of his own, like, you know,
every candidate gets a j-- get out of jail free card.
Or the debate moderator has to be a lady,
and she has to kiss them on the mouth,
like the old Family Feud.
[AUDIENCE GROANING]
For more on this looming presidential debate,
we go live to Michael Kosta at CNN headquarters.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Michael, how are the candidates preparing?
Both sides are buckling down, Desi.
President Biden is doing his classic pre-debate ritual
of a glass of hot tea and an IV full of methamphetamines.
Meanwhile, Trump's team is teaching him
how to dig a tunnel through concrete with a spork,
so he'll be able to break out of prison.
OK, but, Michael, is all this even necessary?
Both candidates have already been president.
We're not going to learn anything
new about their policies.
Yeah, but this debate is not about learning their policies.
It's about giving the American people a chance
to see which candidate, medically speaking,
has the least [BLEEP] up body.
Neither of them are giving us any details
about their physical or mental health--
--so this is our only chance to get them in a room
together and see if they can do presidential tasks, like talk
coherently for an hour, or not hemorrhage
blood through an orifice.
OK, so you're saying that the American people
should see this less as a debate and more as a secret
medical exam?
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, which is why I suggest that CNN add
some additional stipulations.
For example, the candidates should
each defend their tax policy while following
this finger with their eyes.
Or have them bend down and lift a five-pounds kettlebell
and see who breaks the least amount of bones.
Or, ah, bring out one of their grandkids
and see if either of them know whose grandkid it is.
Or, or simply just see which one of them
can start a lawn mower.
OK, so basically, we evaluate their physical and mental
health, and whoever scores the highest, gets to be president.
Absolutely not.
No, this-- this is all a ruse.
Once we get Biden and Trump in a room together,
we can lock the door and the rest of us
can sneak out of America.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Then we start a new country with younger candidates.
You know, ones whose first kiss wasn't
in the back seat of a Model T.
But Michael, even if we could do that, at some point,
Biden and Trump would find their way to this new
country, right?
Maybe.
But the only entrance will be through a spiral
staircase, so good luck.
Ah, you thought of everything.
See ya in our new nation, buddy.
Michael Kosta, everyone.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]