-Our next guest has her comedy album, "Salt Daddy,"
available on Apple Music.
Making her television debut,
please welcome the very funny Katherine Blanford.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Oh! This is so cool!
Oh, my God!
Especially because I grew up a weird kid,
and my parents wanted me to be normal so bad.
So they made me pick a sport.
So I picked cross-country
'cause it was the closest thing to being a horse.
It was a thing.
And then, a mile into every race, I would remember,
"Oh, I hate running.
I'm more of a show pony." Right?
So, I would fake pass out.
I got really good at it.
I would do a couple little lazy twirls,
and then, on the way down,
I'd grab a girl's hair for witness.
"Remember me."
And my mom got worried.
She was like, "Katherine, I'm going to take you
to see a cardiologist for your fainting,"
because my mother believed in me too much.
And I didn't tell her I was faking it.
I let them run hours of tests on me.
And then this sweet little heart doctor told my mother and I
that I was his first patient that he ever diagnosed
with a personality disorder.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Don't clap. Don't clap.
Here's the best part, though. He still gave me an inhaler.
He was like, "I don't know.
It could be allergies, but it's probably narcissism.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now go ahead.
Go ahead, take a little puff of this air milk
every time you're having a hard time
not being the center of attention."
And then I just became an inhaler kid.
And inhalers are good.
They help you not lose your breath or your virginity.
So it was a hard childhood.
But now I'm doing great.
I'm too cute -- I'm too cute to be doing comedy.
I should be selling medical equipment.
Before comedy, though, I was a nanny,
because I'm passionate about eating rich people's food.
And sometimes, the parents would make comments about
how quickly the fridge emptied.
And I was like, "Oh, okay. Hold on.
First of all, you don't know how hard it is to be
a stay-at-your-home mother."
And they were a wealthy family in the South,
so all their kids were named after nature.
I had a Lily, I had a Forrest,
and I had a Treasure Map III.
Yeah, I was a great nanny, though,
because I learned from having a great mom.
And I love talking about my mom.
She passed away when I was 22 years old.
It's hard to say a joke after this now
because people are thinking it's sad that I'm older than 22
and I still dress like this.
I dress like a male figure skater from 1994.
But I still hear from my mom.
You know, I don't know if you've ever gotten a sign
from up above, but the other day,
I was driving down the interstate,
just scrolling through Instagram...
and I saw this ad for discounted Botox.
So I just commented, "Ugh! Okay, Mom!"
'Cause my mom was a nurse for a plastic surgeon.
And when I was a teenager,
my mother told me I needed Botox,
because sometimes a mother's touch hurts.
And she would come home with
these little vials of expired Botox,
and then she would chase me
around the house with a syringeful.
Yeah, it was our little game. We called it freeze tag.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Instead of counting to 10,
you just stay frozen for three to four months.
But I am obsessed with Instagram.
My friends and I -- we're obsessed with those influencers
that'll go to Tulum, Mexico,
and they'll take a yacht excursion.
So we were like, "We've got to do that."
So we put all of our money together
and we went... to Fort Lauderdale.
And we wanted to take a yacht excursion,
so we found a man on Craigslist to take us
on his pontoon into the ocean, where you can't run away.
And that does sound sketchy,
but we knew we were safe because his name was Salt Daddy.
So we knew he had daughters.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I know.
He was great.
He poured us drinks and he played us music,
and we did what good little white girls are supposed to do.
We were twerking to Tim McGraw.
And we were feeling so cute
because Salt Daddy was taking a lot of videos.
Just being a classic dad, you know,
filming all the proud moments on his iPad.
And then, right at that moment, this huge boat pulled up,
and it was full of these just gorgeous women.
And Salt Daddy was about to get on their boat.
And I realized -- I was like, "Wait.
I'm not ready for a new mom yet."
So I pulled my best move and I fake passed out.
But on the way down, I for real fell overboard.
And as I was going under,
I could hear everybody shouting my name.
And I saw Salt Daddy dive in to save me.
And my lungs started to fill up with water,
and then my heart started to fill up with
all the attention I was getting.
And that's when I realized,
"Oh, I should have joined the swim team."
Thank you so much. I've been Katherine Blanford.
♪♪
-She believed in you too much. -Thank you so much.
-I love that. Katherine Blanford!
[ Cheers and applause ] Katherine Blanford!
"Salt Daddy" is available on Apple Music.
We'll be right back, everybody.