Do you think you'd ever consider a non-monogamous relationship?
Probably not. Cos, I'm, like, Christian,
this is, like, a hard subject to talk about.
But I don't mind.
At the end of the day, God's judging you.
It's a you problem. That's not my— Like, that's not my problem.
My name is James Mustapic. I'm gay and a comedian.
So I'm being judged by God on a daily basis.
Society tells us that we need to settle down,
get married, and have kids.
Who made those rules? Some boring straight fuck, probably.
Well, the good news is
queer people are pretty good at breaking those rules.
This episode is about ethical non-monogamy and why queer people
love to say no to cis-heteronormative structures.
I'm so sorry!
You're in a relationship, correct?
Thank you so much for noticing. Yeah.
Are you guys monogamous?
I'd say... mostly.
- Okay. Okay. - Yeah.
We did long distance for a long time,
and we just were like, 'Well, we'll keep the communication up.
'We'll get through this.'
But I think it's good for us.
Like, I think everyone should try and have, like, the level
of communication that you would need to have to have an open relationship.
What kind of communication practices did you do?
Oh, just always giving each other a heads-up.
- 'I'm fucking tonight.' - Yeah, 'I'm fucking tonight.'
Dee Morgan is a counsellor who specialises in dealing with
queer non-monogamous relationships.
People who identify as queer or
who are part of the queer community
have had more practice questioning
normative assumptions in our society
and as part of that, going,
'Well, if I love this person, do I want to be having sex with them?
'Do I want to live with them?' and recognising that those things
are choices that can be discussed.
That's where ethical non-monogamy comes in.
Consensual non-monogamy, which is also known as ethical non-monogamy,
is an umbrella term basically for people who are engaging in
relationships with more than one person, with consent, at a time.
There's a bunch of different ways ethical non-monogamy can look.
To name a few, there's...
Leo, Kai and Sam
are in a polyamorous relationship.
So Sam is my,
like, romantic partner,
and he's monogamous,
so he only dates me.
but I'm polyamorous, so I'm able to go out and, like,
date other people.
And because of that,
Kai is my platonic life partner,
which is basically like being in a relationship, but it's platonic.
Well, when they first talked to me about it,
I was kind of
scared in the fact that, okay, yeah,
this is their way of saying, 'Yeah, I'm with you,
'but I don't want to be with you.'
When they actually broke it down and said, 'No, this is just how
'I have been and this is just how I am,'
I'm comfortable with them finding someone
if I can't fulfil what they need.
It's all about just running things by each other, because the second I
start talking to someone that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling
Sam about, that's when I know it's a breach of boundaries and trust.
I'm here with a local supplier
of ethically sourced non-monogamy.
Ciarin, how are you?
I'm great. How are you?
I'm good. So you're in a polyamorous relationship?
- I am. - Great.
Shall we go talk to some people about it?
Let's do it.
- Are you guys in a relationship? - Yes.
And have you ever had a conversation about opening up
or anything like that?
No.
It's just kind of expected because we're both from cultures
where it's just very normal that monogamy is the...
Especially Asian cultures — it's very monogamous.
Yeah.
Do you have any questions for a polyamorous person?
Do you all sleep in the same bed?
No. So,
yeah, you can be in a relationship with more than two people
in one relationship.
Yeah.
I'm a little different in that we have separate relationships.
I live mainly with my husband, and then I see my boyfriend
every once or twice a week.
Oh right, okay.
And in the future, do you see yourself going down this sort of route
of dating, propose, marry, kids?
For me, I think I would probably follow that route.
Good on ya... bro.
Sounds like you're riding what some professionals would call...
The relationship escalator is a term basically used to describe
the classic, often monogamous relationship expectations.
You meet; you fall in love; you move in together.
You might get married; you have kids; you buy property;
you get old; you die together.
And the relationship escalator is a choice for everyone,
including monogamous people.
There's no issue with it
if you've questioned monogamous structures and gone,
'Yeah, that's the type of relationship I want to be in.'
And I think unquestioned monogamy is enormously damaging.
It doesn't suit everybody, and it really limits the types of ways
that you can love and be loved.
I love love.
I'm a slut for love. That's how I see it.
Polyamorous people are so good at talking about things.
Because you have to be.
If you aren't communicating, what's the difference between
ethical non-monogamy versus cheating?
Yeah.
Eli, we need to make a movie that is going to change the way
that people think about monogamy.
Are you in?
Yeah, okay, I'm in.
Then action, you 'faggoot'!
That's a bit abusive.
I'm so sorry.
Cut!
Cut, cut, cut.
I need more emotion from you.
Okay?
We're going to go again, all right?
Action!
Have you ever considered being non-monogamous before?
Yeah. So with my ex-partner,
we were in an open, polyamorous relationship.
Can I ask, was that a hetero relationship or...?
It was a queer relationship. So both women.
In your current relationship—
so that's monogamous, right? - Yep.
Have you ever thought about
or tried to suggest the idea of polyamory?
No.
And I think that comes down to my partner
both being a man and heterosexual.
- Oh. - He's a lot more closed off
to the idea, he's very monogamous.
So it's never been something that I've thought to bring up.
I am a jealous person.
I can get jealous over something so minute; it is stupid.
I previously was in a monogamous relationship
with very little communication.
The communication between my past relationship and now —
big difference.
Because I'm in a polyamorous relationship now,
my jealousy has subsided almost completely,
but I know it's still there a little bit.
Polyamory is so much more than just sex and romance.
I have needs that I need met, and I have a clear understanding
of how I want them met.
That's one thing that's important for people to learn, is that that's okay.
James and Eli were in a monogamous relationship,
but Eli had a dark secret.
How can I tell him that I want an open relationship?
You're my one and only, Eli.
Do you want to talk about what animal our Patronus would be?
Do you want to get matching Oodies?
Found a website that shows what our babies are gonna look like.
Cute, aye?
But sometimes in life, you have to face your demons.
I don't think I wanna be monogamous.
Oh.
Okay. Well, I love you no matter what. So let's make this work.
And if you communicate openly and honestly, anything is...
Is John Campbell narrating this?
No, no, no, he's not!
Coming soon.
Watch the full series of Queer Academy now.
Have you ever had an STI? - I have had an STI. I had chlamydia.
- Did you tell him? - I did.
How did he react?
- 'Oh, sorry.'