If you're divorced
don't date until you hear
this relationship advice
from someone who is divorced.
Yes, it is I.
After a long-term relationship breakup
or divorce you may doubt yourself,
feel like a failure, blame yourself,
blame your ex, regret ever meeting them,
and vow to stay single forever
because love inevitably leads to pain.
Okay, so you tell yourself
the juice isn't worth the squeeze.
I get that, been there, done that.
However, maybe loneliness sets in
or you long for a cuddle buddy
and some of you bravely decide
to dip your toe in the dating waters again.
In this video, you'll learn
what you must do
after a long-term relationship breakup
before you put yourself back
on the dating market again.
The mistakes I made that might save you
from future heartbreak.
If you're new to my channel
I help men decode modern women
so you can find, attract, and keep
your keeper or simply have
better relationships with women.
My videos are for you
if you're ready to take control
of your love life.
This video is actually for men and women.
Welcome to just the tip.
Okay, so I'm divorced
and I know firsthand how awful it is.
Some people think it's foolish
to take relationship advice
from a divorced woman
especially advice for men.
I get that, I get that.
We're taught to take advice
from successful people
so totally makes sense.
I propose we can also learn
from people who have failed
at what we want to succeed at
if they have learned from their mistakes.
The truth is we can learn from people
who got it right the first time
those lucky Joe's
and from those who learned the hard way.
Although many of you long
for a longterm intimate relationship
you're better to be single than sorry.
Do not settle simply to settle down.
Now I'm divorced because of the choices I made.
Maybe my mistakes
can help you avoid a doomed relationship.
So, take what resonates
leave the rest and remember,
we all have blind spots.
So, let's face it diving back into the dating pool
after a long-term relationship ends
especially if you've had to sign divorce papers
can feel like doing
a cannonball into icy water.
And it's very cold here today.
It's shocking, uncomfortable
and you're not sure you want to swim
with the sharks.
Before you slap on that cologne
and flex your dating muscles
let's take a look at how to avoid
a long-term love disaster
and post divorce dating.
Don't date until you one,
do your emotional laundry.
First off, you got to sort
through the emotional laundry.
We're talking about unpacking
those hefty suitcases
of past hurts and regrets
and resentments and what if's and if onlys
is tempting to shove it
all over the back of the emotional closet
but no one wants to date someone
whose emotional baggage
spills out into every word and action,
no fun.
Example, if you read my memoir
first of all, thank you.
You know my dad died when I was 12
or just before I turned 12,
and also had some other traumatic experiences
that further distorted my trust in men.
I met my ex-husband
when I was 23 and he was 39.
I was an emotionally damaged woman then
and definitely needed a father figure.
Remember those blind spots.
Now most people who are emotionally damaged
don't realize it at the time.
I made the mistake of going for a father figure
before doing my own emotional laundry
and my ex made the mistake
of going for a hot mess.
I was a typical damsel in distress
and he ignored the numerous
red flags I displayed.
We had chemistry and attraction
but our values, beliefs, and goals
were no longer in alignment
maybe never were
after I worked on healing my past.
Okay, so what can you learn from my mistake?
One, chemistry, connection, and attraction
are not enough.
Two, compatible beliefs, values,
and long-term goals are critical.
And three, you can't fix or save the other person.
Actionable, write down one thing
you thought you could fix in your partner
that wasn't your responsibility.
Two, don't date again until you re-discover
who you are solo.
Often, couples become we the people
in everything they do.
Losing their independence
and abandoning activities
the other doesn't enjoy.
"We'll be there."
"We can't make it."
"I'll have to check with my other half."
Post breakup you may feel a bit lost
like a compass without North.
This is the time to re-discover
who you are when you're not part of a duo.
Dive into old hobbies
or discover some new ones.
Have you ever wanted to play the guitar
or the piano?
Well, now's the time to learn.
You may also discover
some of the things you thought you gave up
for your partner don't suit you anymore
or maybe you'll re-discover
the joy you had in them.
Example, I had a relationship with
an extreme extrovert,
which was exhausting for me because even though
I'm an introvert
I tried to be an extrovert.
Note, introversion and shyness
are two different things
and one does not automatically
include the other.
So, I tried to be someone I wasn't
and didn't want to be
instead of just embracing who I am
and discovering if we were actually truly compatible.
Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla.
His mistake was thinking introversion
was shyness and trying to "cure me"
instead of accepting our differences
or conceding that we weren't compatible.
Now in our case,
there were several other areas
where we were also not compatible.
What can you learn from my mistake?
Right, chemistry, connection, and attraction
are not enough.
Compatible beliefs, values,
and long-term goals are critical.
And three, you must accept your partner
as is where is.
Actionable, write down
what you value
based on what you regretfully sacrificed
in your past relationship.
This journey of self-discovery
will not only boost your confidence in yourself
but also attract someone who loves you for you.
That's what you want.
Number three, don't date again until you
understand what went wrong.
Okay, so this is a part that might sting a little
but it's essential.
Take a hard look at your previous relationship
to understand what went wrong
not just where your partner messed up
but where you did as well.
Key point, it's not all one person's fault.
The fact is you chose that person.
I know.
Taking responsibility where you can
in any area of your life is empowering.
Key words, responsibility where you can.
Empowering were there communication issues.
If so, how did you contribute?
Did you speak different love languages?
If so, what do you need to look for
in your next potential partner?
Do you have the same love languages
or can you learn to give and receive love
in your partner's prefer love language?
For example, my primary love languages
are physical affection and quality time.
After my divorce I dated a man
who felt extremely uncomfortable
with physical touch,
unless we were getting jiggy with it.
Even though I told him
I need nonsexual touch outside the bedroom
he wouldn't or couldn't provide that
and I felt a constant rejection
because of that lack.
On the other hand, I dated another man
who also didn't like physical touch,
but he made an effort for me.
Now despite trying to make
both of those relationships work
both ended because neither were right for me
nor I for them
because our value systems didn't align.
Sometimes it's not about
the other person being wrong
but being wrong for you.
What can you learn from my mistake?
One, chemistry, connection,
and attraction are not enough.
Two, compatible beliefs, values,
and long-term goals are critical.
Three, understanding what went wrong
includes being accountable.
Okay, so I had to move indoors
because it's really cold outside
and windy and noisy.
And I'm now in a restaurant
waiting for muscles
not like muscles on a man,
but muscles on a bowl.
Oh, my God so anyways,
let's get back to actionables.
So actionable, write down
what went wrong in your last relationship
so you can take responsibility
for that thing that you can.
Understanding these pitfalls can prevent
history from repeating itself
plus taking responsibility
and being accountable shows potential partners.
That you're self-aware
and committed to growth, yay.
Okay, so do you want to be
with someone who blames everyone else
and can't admit where they went wrong? Exactly.
Next one up, don't date until you
or date for the right reasons.
You're hitting the dating scene
to prove something to your ex
or because you're lonely
you might want to hit the brakes.
Dating for the wrong reasons
is like going to grocery shopping
when you're hungry,
which is what I would be doing right now.
You make impulsive unhealthy choices.
Example, part of the reason
my ex-husband and I broke up
was because I wanted the option to have children
and he was done with his daddy days.
After we split up
I was on a mission to find a man
with strong swimmers.
The first guy I met after the divorce
fit the bill
and because I was in my mid to late 30s,
the clock was ticking.
I tried to rush the relationship
so we could get to baby making stat.
Meanwhile, he simply wanted to practice.
Our goals were not in alignment.
What you can learn from my mistakes
you guessed it number one,
chemistry, connection, and attraction are not what?
That's right they're not enough.
Also, number two, compatible beliefs, values,
and long-term goals are what? Critical.
Number three, dating for the wrong reasons
will lead to lasting love.
Actionable, write down
why you want to date? What you're looking for
and what you're not looking for.
Make sure you're ready to share your life
with someone because you want to.
Not because you feel like you have to
are desperately lonely
or uncomfortable being single.
By the way, if you're finding value in this video,
please give it a like and consider subscribing
and thank you so much
for your super thanks and donations.
Thank you very peace.
We'll look at the top tip in a moment
but first let's look at single parents dating
and then the important bonus tip.
Number five, don't date until you
embrace the journey.
Dating is a journey not a sprint to the finish line.
Enjoy getting to know new people
without expectations,
romantic or otherwise.
And experience new things with curiosity.
You'll feel way better for it
as you contemplate what went wrong
and right with your ex
try to be honest about it without oversharing
with new partners early on.
The more air time you give your past
the less likely you're ready to be
in another relationship
and your dates will want to switch
to another station.
Remember, every date doesn't have
to lead to a relationship and that's okay.
It's all part of the adventure.
Example, I was a serial monogamist
yes, I was. Every time I went through a breakup
I'd sob in my pillow for a few days
feeling sorry for myself
and then instead of evaluating
what I was doing wrong I moved on to the next...
Thank you.
Relationship with naearly breather and be twixed.
I wasn't until I realized
I was the common denominator
then I took a pause to figure out
what I was doing wrong.
Okay so anyways, at first
I was frustrated and impatient
working on my emotional healing
and self-development
like all of you I wanted instant results.
Of course, don't we all, right.
So, now I know a lot about psychology
and relationships but I still continue
to seek out new information
because I don't know what I don't know.
Oh, do I have food in my teeth?
Okay, so anyways, I'm still not perfect
and I believe in progress not perfection.
So, what can you learn from my mistake?
Did you guess?
Right, chemistry, connection,
and attraction are not enough.
Compatible beliefs, values,
and long-term goals are critical.
Love is uncertain but you can learn
to enjoy the journey.
Okay, so here's an actionable,
write down one thing you learn about your breakup
you can be heartfelt
grateful for today.
Keywords, heartfelt no bitterness.
Maybe it's your children, which brings us to
single parents dating again
and then a critical bonus tip.
So, the age of your children
and your custody arrangement
will determine how much
they're going to influence your dating life.
If you're lucky enough
to have an amicable relationship
with your ex, rare but possible
this is a positive for you,
your children, and your dating life.
Reality land, there are more childless women
willing to date single dads
with dependent children
than there are childless men
willing to date single mothers with
dependent children, young ones.
The main reason is children of divorces
often live mostly with their mothers
and many men have a very natural aversion
to raising another man's child
regardless whichever parent
has primary custody of their children
the "package deal"
comes at a higher cost to their dating life.
That's just reality.
Now a note about dating single moms.
Whether or not a man has children
or wants children, he must decide
if he's willing to expand his dating options
by including single moms
and taking on the burden
of someone else's children.
I know that word triggered some of you parents.
Many of you even though
they're your own children
know that children do come at a high cost
with a ton of responsibility.
Yet, if you have them
you want the person you date
to love and value them just like you do.
Reality land, no one can love your children
like you do. This is simply something
to be aware of.
Now men and women will learn a lot
by watching my videos linked at the end
wherever on dating single mothers.
Don't judge before you watch those.
As well, regardless of your age
or parental status
you may be concerned about
protecting your assets
especially if you got shafted by your ex,
which is why the bonus tip is essential.
Bonus, get better not bitter.
If you don't like the opposite ***
because of your experience with your ex
that will totally come across
in everything you think, say, and do.
You'll scare away the good ones
and worse you'll attract the throwbacks
only to repeat the same cycle
and strengthen your bias against the opposite ***.
Whoa, re-entering the dating world post divorce
or long-term breakup
can feel daunting for sure.
But armed with the right mindset and advice
it can also be an exhilarating
new chapter for you.
You're not looking for love
you're looking for the right love.
So, take your time
do your emotional homework
and when you're ready step back
into the dating scene with confidence.
The right woman will appreciate the man
who took the time to get it mostly right.
Gentlemen, if you need help figuring out
what you need in a partner
it's not what you think
or you would have got it right the first time.
(Laughs)
Well, to become the kind of man
who attracts your ideal mate
without compromising yourself
and you're going to want to get
my WakeUp2Luv program
and do the work.
Fair warning, there is a lot of work
some of it is uncomfortable
but growth occurs when we step
out of our comfort zones.
To learn more about it
there's a link in the pin comment
and the video show notes.
Sending you buckets of love,
heart healing love.
Thanks for being here, God bless.