are you in a relationship where you
always want sex but your partner is
never into it or are you so tired of
your partner wanting sex all the time
well you are not alone this is called
sexual desire mismatch I'm Dr Rena Malik
urologist and pelvic surgeon and today
we're going to talk all about sexual
desire mismatch or desired discrepancy
this is essentially defined as when one
partner's desire is higher or lower than
the others so now in a previous video I
talked about the sexual response cycle
and the difference between spontaneous
and responsive desire and the video is
called what comes first desire or
arousal so you might want to check that
out to get a more in-depth discussion so
just as a quick review spontaneous
desire is the desire that happens that
you most often see in the media like you
see something you want it right away you
immediately get desire and arouse and
want to have sex with that person
responsive desire on the other hand is
when you are spending time with someone
and you may develop up that desire like
you're cuddling you're touching you're
being intimate and then the desire comes
afterwards and this is completely normal
desire can change over the course of
your relationship meaning that you may
have more spontaneous desire early on or
what seems like spontaneous desire and
then over time you may just not get that
excitement anymore because you've been
with the same person for long periods of
time now this could happen for a variety
of reasons this can be like lifestyle
issues meaning you have a certain time
you want to go to bed you have a really
rigorous work schedule you have things
to do in the morning you're having
medical issues your hormones are not in
the right place you have other medical
problems and on and on and on now this
sexual desire discrepancy is extremely
common in fact one paper reported as
high as 80 in couples now that does make
sense because during some portion of a
relationship it is common for people to
have different levels of Desire it's
really impossible to think that you are
always always going to be in sync and
have the same level of Desire throughout
your entire relationship things change
with work stressors family kids so on
and so forth right now if this is
bothering you the key being bother right
because if it's not bothering you it's
not a problem that needs fixing in fact
many people accept this as normal and
they know that there's going to be some
variation over time and they're not
bothered by it but if it is bothering
you what can you do about it and most
often people are bothered when they
notice that the problem is persistent
meaning it's been going on for a long
period of time and it continues to grow
so if it's a problem let's be real this
is a serious sore point for couples so
for the first part of this video I'm
going to talk about what the experts
recommend and then for the second half
I'm going to focus on what we know about
real world data like what people are
actually doing at home to deal with this
and what works what happens when you
have desires so first you have to have a
stimuli something you see you hear you
touch that gets you aroused then your
genitals get aroused with lubrication or
erections and then your brain perceives
that as positive which leads to sexual
desire now in order to have that desire
you need three things you need the
stimulus you need the arousal and
ultimately you need the motivation now
back to sexual desire discrepancy the
European Society of sexual medicine
created a position statement and in it
they basically say the literature is so
sparse and they had very little evidence
to create a position statement on sexual
desire discrepancy so essentially it was
all expert opinion meaning that this
problem that affects the majority of
couples has not been rigorously studied
now that's just wild let's get down to
it what do you need to do first you want
to make sure that there is no clinical
condition like is there another problem
that might be causing a low sexual
desire or a high sexual desire for that
matter and once you ruled that out and
I've talked about low sexual desire
previously and I'm going to make another
video very soon on low sexual desire in
men specifically so make sure you watch
that one as well but after you've ruled
out all the medical issues there are
some treatment options that you can try
working on with you and your partner so
the first four are focused on
communicating and understanding the
discrepancy veteran so the first thing
to know is that this is very common so
improve your knowledge and know that
this is very common particularly in
long-term relationships and know that
desire as I mentioned earlier is
variable day to day and the key is that
not every sexual encounter is going to
be mind-blowing it's totally normal to
have mediocre sex every so often so
don't come at me in the comments it is
true and if you're telling me you've
never had mediocre sex you're not being
truthful number two is you want to
realize that neither one of you is the
problem this is a relationship a problem
very often the person with lower desire
gets labeled as the problem because
they're using the higher desired person
as a benchmark but this isn't a problem
with one person it's a mismatch now
again remember we've ruled out other
causes of low desire so then we need to
focus on the relationship what does this
desire mismatch mean to each of you
could it mean that you who is not
getting the sex that you want feels less
loved when your partner rejects you and
now you feel like maybe your
relationship is in danger or if you're
the person who's always saying no do you
feel like the only thing your partner
wants is sex and they don't value the
other things you bring into the
relationship and in this same context
you want to prioritize the quality of
sex you're having rather than how often
you're having it maybe it's not just
about the sex and also it's important to
talk about like what types of activities
you define as sex and what kind of
activities make you excited the next
thing you want to do is focus on the
actual desired discrepancy usually in
these situations both Partners will
either over or underestimate how much
their partner actually wants sex so
understanding what each of you really
desires can sometimes be really
eye-opening sometimes the reason people
have sex is not because of desire it may
be because they want to feel close
because they feel like obligated to for
stress relief to please your partner or
because you yourself want to feel
desired and sometimes another partner
may just want intimacy that doesn't
result in Sex and when they try to have
intimacy that's always into sex it may
become uncomfortable so number four is
communicate communicate yes I get it
it's hard I've talked about this so many
times on this channel we don't know how
to talk about sex and no one taught us
how and as a society we're just
generally pretty prude but regardless in
order to have better sex you need to
talk talk about what you truly like talk
about the things outside of penetrative
intercourse that you enjoy because sex
is not just penetration and talk about
what makes you arouse but in order to
talk about that you yourself have to
know what you like number five break the
routine try to broaden the definition of
sex in your relationship and consider
expanding your sexual repertoire once
you've done this communication about
what you like think about what you could
do to expand your sexual repertoire
There's an actual thing called sexual
boredom right so if you're bored with
sex you're not going to be excited to
have it so how can you even start
talking about increasing your sexual
repertoire well first you want to make a
list like literally take a piece of
paper write down every sexual act you
like or think you might like oral anal
manual Kink whatever write it down and
then sit down together and compromise
and gradually work your way into trying
different things you may even try doing
something called sense8 Focus which
means essentially that you slowly work
on increasing physical Touch without the
goal of penetrating Nation this can help
both Partners figure out like what
they're really into what are their
erogenous zones and incorporate that
into their sexual repertoire generally
sexual therapists will recommend doing
this twice a week for 10 minutes you
also want to schedule time for intimacy
now I say intimacy not sex and a lot of
people don't like this but it's really
to take the pressure off let you rebuild
and have the fun of connecting
physically and create opportunities for
sex rather than expecting both Partners
to be ready to go at the exact same time
in the exact same moment number six
normalize having sex without desire once
in a while so it's okay sometimes to
please your partner with sex and give
them a present now you don't want to do
this all the time but once in a while
it's not a bad thing for your
relationship and number seven work on
positive rejection try to find ways that
are positive and respectful to actually
tell your partner no I'm not into it
tonight or this morning or whatever time
of day it is number eight Focus on
improving their relationship data
suggests that people who are in more
satisfying relationships are often less
bothered by the discrepancy now you can
work on this with your partner or you
can seek out a therapist to do something
called emotionally focused therapy now
this focuses on what each individual
needs and what the attachment issues
might be in their relationship or if
there's any power Dynamic issues that
ultimately might be contributing to the
sexual desired discrepancy and
essentially it's focused on restoring
closeness now if you feel like maybe
you're too close to your partner you may
need to undergo something called
differentiation which restores the
feeling of me individually and you as
separate entities before I go on to what
happens in the real world I want to take
a minute to let you guys know that I
have a brand new sexual health Urologic
Health bladder health practice in
Newport Beach California where you can
come see me or you can see me via
telemedicine if you are located in the
states of California Florida Illinois
New Jersey New York Texas Virginia and
Maryland so please feel free to make an
appointment at
www.rinamalekmd.com appointment if you
are not located in these areas I can
also see you for an educational visit
where we can talk about just general
issues with your health but I cannot
give you a diagnosis or treatment
because I'm not licensed to practice in
the areas you are located but this may
offer you some educational information
that you can go and take back to your
doctor and discuss further now as I
mentioned before these ideas were
suggested based on scientific literature
and expert opinion but what do people
actually do that seems to work one study
recruited over 200 participants in the
United States using social media and
they asked open-ended questions about
things like desire arousal and how they
deal with sexual desire discrepancy and
in fact the most common answer was not
surprising masturbation usually alone if
you missed my last video on mutual
masturbation make sure you check that
one out because that is a very helpful
technique to include in your sexual
repertoire other ways people dealt with
sexual desire discrepancy were to try
and engage in alternative activity like
either oral sex manual stimulation
masturbating together or using sex toys
followed by trying to trigger the desire
or trying to get themselves or their
partner in the mood or allow their
partner to get them in the mood others
tried to be close physically without
actually engaging in sexual activity and
lastly they communicated they let their
partner know that they were not
interested in having whatever type of
sex and it wasn't because of them maybe
it was because of the time of day or the
environment or whatever they then looked
at these different activities and they
combined these results and they looked
at which people had the best
relationship satisfaction and overall
which activities were the most
successful in terms of dealing with the
desired discrepancy and they found that
generally things that you do together
like communicating engaging in another
Act activity together or having sex
anyways we're actually the most helpful
less than half of the people who did an
activity alone like masturbation thought
it was helpful these people in general
also who did things together had higher
rates of relationship satisfaction and
sexual satisfaction so my take home is
that you have to work on this if you are
struggling with sexual desire
discrepancy playing the blame game
doesn't help anyone you and your partner
need to work together this is a
relationship issue and it may take some
time and it will unfortunately require
you to communicate with each other so as
always I hope you guys enjoyed this
video if you did maybe you like this
video on genital numbness so why don't
you check it out because it's something
that a lot of people do struggle with
and don't know what to do about so as
always you want to take care of yourself
because you're worth it