G'day, A.J. Mahari here on the topic of what's really happening
for people with codependency that maybe a lot of people codependency haven't yet
caught up to or don't realize people like on the
video i did yesterday september 23rd 2020
um you can't put your shoes into the feet of a borderline
which is really all about how people with bpd can't
um take in your logic they can't hear the logic they don't have any emotional
intelligence or self from which to have the emotional they have arrested
emotional development so they're not in any emotionally mature
place they might have a strong intellect but they don't have emotional
intelligence and they're very emotionally immature
so they can't meet you where you are with your logic
if you're a person with codependency but here's
the way it twists the other way people at bpd have so much emotion
they make a lot of decisions based on their magical thinking
this is very true they can be self-sabotaging
decisions that they make knowingly or unknowingly
repetition compulsion cycles with impulsivity
impulsivity the thing about it is what i learned from all the comments on
that video last night and people especially one that got kind of rude
at one point where they said it would go against
all their core beliefs or their belief system
to not be rescuing and helping this person with bpd no matter what
like i've heard other people codependency say and like or comment
here and maybe the odd client over the years say well but i wouldn't be being
me if i didn't help rescue him or her
that statement doesn't have the meaning that a lot of people really
believe it does why because as a codependent
you don't really fully know yourself maybe you're aware of that now maybe you
haven't been aware of that but you wouldn't be being you what does
that really mean examine that it will help you
so it's learned helplessness on the part of people with codependency
externalizing out their control needs from something
that happened in the family of origin that wounded you onto the person with
bpd next thing you know person with bpd's
got all control over your life so it goes
for a lot of people the codependent narrative and you can't help it
and how dare they well you need to take personal responsibility for yourself
so what is this video to follow the other video about how people bpd
can't meet you in your logic well guess what
you're not helping yourself out and you don't know what to do in terms
of in response to the person with bpd's magical thinking which is all about
feeling and they feel way too much right that's that's
a core um aspect of people with bpd suffering
is feeling way too much and not knowing the framework of what they're feeling
they might be a lot of anxiety there might be a lot of anger there might be a
lot of terror inside and then whatever they externalize or
don't you don't know what's going on for them
you know you haven't been there i have and that's not me going whoopi me
because so what right it's better that you haven't been there
but people with codependency you are not in touch enough with your
own emotions or your own self more to the point so
though you have this logic that you try to apply
and help people with bpd with and externalize out control
in a codependent way what a lot of people with codependency
don't realize is that you don't have as much emotional intelligence as you
need to be able to be aware of your feelings
so you can take action on how you're feeling on how you're being hurt
and worse and get out of the relationship
because once you kind of know what's going on or that somebody has bpd or
this looks like cluster b or you've done your
a lot of research how can you explain to yourself why you're still
there because now everything that's happening
to you that you didn't understand before you have a framework of reference to
understand somewhat logically but not yet emotionally
and now you're in collusion with them you're complicit
with the way that you're they're treating you not that
it isn't their responsibility it is but they can't take it
but more to the point people with codependency need to take their
responsibility today right now as soon as you can
the reality that you can't change these people that you're externalizing out
your own needs and often the woundiness of your core
you know core woundiness of your inner child onto the person with bpd
so you people with codependency are often not in
their emotional landscaping enough you are everything you
you feel or comes to the surface for you that you feel
is revolving around the borderline well not giving borderlines a pass for what
they do or how they hurt people but more to the point people with
codependency need to see that what that is
you might know better now so it's time for you to do better and what does that
mean you're now in a collusive kind of
complicity with the personal bp who keeps hurting
you this dynamic that keeps going on you still may be trying to rescue et
cetera but it's not working and you're actually dealing with a lot
of people codependency don't realize it yet because you're not going into your
own emotions you're still tied up in externalizing
out and trying to rescue the borderline instead of yourself
so people with codependency have this often totally negated emotional
landscape you know you hurt you know they've hurt
you you know they keep hurting you and you know you want to help them and
rescue them at the cost of yourself even whether you
know that or not but you see once you know better then
everything that is happening to you from a borderline or even a narcissist you're
allowing it there's where your core responsibility
is to you but why are so many people codependency
not get that yet or not to get that for years painfully
um really sadly is because you're still so focused on the borderline
and then people end up giving the person with bpd way more power
people people don't have power i mean if they had power if they had emotional
intelligence if they had more skill if they weren't
drowning in their past adverse child experience
they wouldn't be doing any any of what they're doing which is not to excuse
it so people's codependency need to think about your own emotion
not think about you need to get feeling your emotional landscape you need to get
with what's happening inside of you not the externalized focus out onto the
borderline because this is the way that people's
codependency abandon themselves re-abandon themselves
ignore themselves and then go but the borderline did this and the borderline
did that well okay but like once you know that then
you're allowing them to continue to do it
that's your responsibility right there you need to stop that you need to go hey
this isn't working i need to go and then deal with all the pain
and and and the horrific really you know ruminating and everything that happens
with the love addiction that so often is what codependents are going through
in these relationships among other things so what about you
what about you learning how to take agency over yourself instead of
externalizing it out on somebody with bp or npd
and then thinking they have so much power because look how they're wounding
you well yeah but once you know you're allowing them to still wound you
please really hear that and so many people will say and have said in
comments on the channel what would be against my belief system
to not help this person because like what if the worst happens to them
that's an overextension of your dysfunctional relationship to and with
yourself you don't even know who you are enough
you don't even know what wounded you and your childhood often people's
codependency don't but you're going to rescue someone else
it doesn't work that way people with codependency really need to
take responsibility you have the logic going on that people
bpd don't people with bpd are often very much
always almost always affected by overwhelming emotions feeling way too
much and not knowing how to cope with it or even why they're feeling a lot of
what they're feeling but codependents negate their feelings
externalize stuff out onto the borderline
try to rescue and help them because you think that's how they're going to help
you this is in codependency
very close and overlapping to what people bp are doing but not the same
but you're trying to take an experience you had in your childhood that might not
be in your conscious mind yet of how your inner child was wounded and
you're trying to help this other person now so they'll turn around to help you
with your woundedness and your wounded inner child whatever happened to you and
your family of origin that may well be shoved down into your
unconscious so there's no altruism in codependency
and this idea as i've heard before and seen before
comments on the channel people say well i
i just wouldn't be being me if i didn't uh what
you know put on the superman cape and try to rescue them
you know every person on this planet whether they can step up to or not has
personal responsibility has to like either exercise the agency
that they have over themselves work on themselves change heal
and work on their own recovery or not and often people with bpd choose or not
and people codependency stay in there and keep trying to help and you keep
getting hurt more and more but now you're aware of it and you're
allowing it and you're still not with your own
emotions and you're still not with your own
because you had to evacuate your own emotions something in childhood happened
you evacuate your own emotions and you became an overgiver people-pleaser
rescuer the co-dependent hero whatever role
because you are not looking at the pain that you have deep down inside
that you need to heal so that is personally mostly the way out
of these cluster b relationships it's not dealing with the cluster b it's
not rescuing the cluster b it's leaving the relationship or if
you've been left it's letting them be gone and stay gone and
dealing with all that pain that comes up which i know
is incredible i've been through it i've been on both sides of this
i was in the bpd npd alcoholic who i got hurt a lot by
and i was in a codependent role with that person
and then i would have to do my own recovery for 18 months after that
and that was back 2004-2006 i've had two exes with quiet bpd and one ended
with her taking her life and well i still grieve that etc the
point is i couldn't have stopped that and any
codependent who thinks they can stop a borderline from doing anything let alone
even that most ultimate horrific act of not being here anymore you're
deluding yourself you are so focused outside yourself you
are so over anything that would be a modicum of
a healthy boundary or limit and it is never your fault what that
person with bpd does that's where people got something
intermingled in their codependency from the unconscious about something
very up close and personal happen to you in
your childhood it doesn't have to be a big thing but it was a huge thing when
you were a child
so people with codependency say this goes against my belief system
this goes again i wouldn't be being me if i didn't do
overextend help try to rescue that person with bpd
and then the side effect of that is that personal bpd becomes
more and more and more powerful to the codependent
which is then resented and which then makes you feel more and more helpless
and you're not in your own emotional
landscape you've evacuated you abandon yourself and it goes back to
something that you experienced in childhood
so it's time for people with codependency to really realize this
it might not be a popular message and i mean it with all care compassion
and respect i'm here to keep it real to help people heal
and i'm out here to work with you in the healing and recovery journey from
codependency and cluster b relationships and to
really get that work done because it is the deeper level of what the codependent
needs to know and find out in their own healing and recovery journey
that is going to set you free from everything that is agonizing and
and unbearably painful right now that you are still externalizing out onto the
cluster b that really isn't about the cluster b
but then there's also healing to do from those relationships
but it's a multi-layered uh kind of approach that i take with people
because there's more than one thing going on there so
if you're a codependent excuse me and you've caught yourself with well how
this goes against my core beliefs or this would be
me not being me do you really even know yourself first and foremost because less
people with codependency don't not down to the court not the way that
you should not the way that i know myself
after bp recovery and codependency recovery and
other types of you know uh adverse child experience
recovery and i'm not here to say oh so i'm all this and you're
no that's not the point codependency is very painful and i think
people don't take it seriously enough because you know when i recovered from
bpd and when i had to further that journey of recovery of
codependency over some years after i recovered from
bpd
if i actually sit and think for a minute about which was more painful they were
darn close so maybe codependency was a little less
painful in recovery than bpd just a little less
but you see take your codependency seriously and
learn more about what it is and get into a healing recovery journey
because if you're staying with that person with bp and you're still
externalizing and you might be aware of what you're doing or not
you're colluding with them now when you know better and when you know better
it behooves you to do better for you not for them
you don't have the power and control over them
that you've been externalizing out instead of giving to yourself
so i hope that was helpful to somebody out there um
people with codependency really not all but many are still in stages of needing
to really wake up and maybe i'll have another video coming on what the
comments were on the last video where people went and how extreme it got
and this is all because people with codependency have a dysfunctional
relationship to and with self have the false self aspect
and don't understand what's going on in your own in people with codependency
that don't understand what's going on many don't understand what's going on
in your own emotional landscape so is today going to be the day
when you pick you over the borderline of the narcissist is today going to be the
day when you realize your complicitness complicity and collusion with the
borderline now that you know what they are or what
their issues are or the narcissist or are you still going to allow them to
treat you the way that they treat you because now you're allowing it you need
to get conscious about that and you need to know that the pain that
awaits you is yours and it's yours from childhood
and you need to take that healing and recovery journey
stop abandoning yourself with the borderline and then thinking they have
so much power to hurt you and then it's all people bp don't have
power they don't but so many people with
codependency just i wouldn't be being me it's it's against
my belief system to not no that's morality
that's you're covering your denial with morality
not gonna help the borderline and it's not gonna help
the codependent take care