♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: CAN YOU HEAR ME OVER THERE?
HOW AM I COMING THROUGH?
IS THIS ON?
( LAUGHTER )
NOBODY TALK.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, THE DEATH OF GEORGE FLOYD AT THE HANDS AND OTHER PARTS OF
MINNEAPOLIS POLICE HAS SPARKED NATIONWIDE PROTESTS DEMANDING
POLICE REFORM, AND THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF GOOD IDEAS.
WELL, TODAY, SOME OF THOSE WERE DISCUSSED WHERE ALL GOOD IDEAS
GO TO DIE: THE U.S. CONGRESS.
THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE HELD TELEVISED HEARINGS ON
POLICE REFORM.
THEY HEARD FROM A VARIETY OF WITNESSES, INCLUDING GEORGE
FLOYD'S BROTHER, PHILONISE; MARC MORIAL, THE PRESIDENT OF
THE NATIONAL URBAN LEAGUE; AND FOX NEWS COMMENTATOR DAN
BONGINO.
EVIDENTLY, THE "MY PILLOW" GUY WAS NOT AVAILABLE.
NOW, RIGHT OFF THE BEAM, WE HEARD FROM THE RANKING
REPUBLICAN ON THE COMMITTEE, OHIO CONGRESSMAN AND MAN STUMPED
BY DOORKNOBS, JIM JORDAN.
IN HIS OPENING STATEMENT, JORDAN QUOTED HIS FAVORITE CIVIL RIGHTS
LEADER.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THIS: "I STAND BEFORE YOU AS A FRIEND
AND ALLY TO EVERY AMERICAN SEEKING JUSTICE AND PEACE, AND I
STAND BEFORE YOU IN FIRM OPPOSITION TO ANYONE EXPLOITING
TRAGEDY TO LOOT, ROB, ATTACK AND MENACE.
HEALING NOT HATRED.
JUSTICE, NOT CHAOS ARE THE MISSION AT HAND."
WELL SAID, MR. PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: TRUMP IMMEDIATELY RESPONDED, "GREAT STATEMENT TO
CONGRESS BY @JIM JORDAN."
( AS TRUMP )
NOW, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY I SAID, YOU SAID, I SAID, YOU SAID
WELL, WELL?" MEANWHILE, OVER IN THE SENATE,
MITCH McCONNELL ANNOUNCED HE WAS TAPPING THE LONE BLACK G.O.P.
SENATOR TO LEAD THE REPUBLICAN EFFORT ON POLICE REFORM.
NOTHING SAYS YOU'RE REALLY CONCERNED ABOUT RACISM LIKE
"LET'S MAKE THE BLACK GUY FIX IT."
THE MAN ON THE CASE IS SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND MAN SEEN
PEAKING OVER YOUR CUBICLE AT WORK TO ASK WHAT KIND OF YOGURT
THAT IS, TIM SCOTT.
I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S LONELY IN THE REPUBLICAN CAUCUS.
THE SENATE G.O.P. IS LIKE THE KIDS IN PEANUTS: THEY HAVE ONE
BLACK FRIEND, BUT THEY'VE GOT TO SIT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
TABLE TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE DOG.
COMPARE THAT TO THE MUCH-MORE WOKE AND INCLUSIVE SENATE
DEMOCRATS WHO HAVE A WHOPPING TWO BLACK MEMBERS.
YES, THAT IS A 100% INCREASE AND JUST SLIGHTLY LESS DIVERSE THAN
THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND.
SCOTT IS ALREADY WORKING ON HIS PLAN, AND UNLIKE THE DEMOCRATS
WHO SAY THEIR PLAN WILL STRIP POLICE OF IMMUNITY AND OUTLAW
BOTH NO-KNOCK WARRANTS AND CHOKE HOLDS, THE G.O.P. WON'T
SAY WHAT EXACTLY IS IN THEIR PLAN.
BUT THEY'RE CONSIDERING OPTIONS LIKE INCREASE IN TRAINING TO
FOCUS ON DE-ESCALATION TACTICS THAT WOULD LESSEN THE POTENTIAL
FOR CHOKE HOLDS.
JUST OUTLAW THEM!
YOU DON'T HEAR A CAR MAKER GOING, "LOOK, WE'RE NOT
RECALLING THE VEHICLES.
WE'RE TRAINING DRIVERS SO THERE'S LESS POTENTIAL OF IT
BURSTING INTO FLAMES.
SO PICK UP YOUR PONTIAC DEATHBOX TODAY.
IT'S THE LAST CAR YOU'LL EVER OWN."
SCOTT EXPLAINED THE SOFT APPROACH, SAYING THAT THE
DEMOCRATS' "BILL HAS A TENDENCY TO BE SEEN AS PERHAPS A
NATIONALIZATION OF SOME OF THE UNDERLYING ISSUES OR
TECHNIQUES."
YES, YOU CAN'T NATIONALIZE THESE ISSUES OR TECHNIQUES.
WE ALL KNOW THE NEED FOR HUMAN BEINGS TO BREATHE VARIES FROM
STATE TO STATE.
BUT THERE HAS BEEN SOME DRAMATIC POLICE REFORM, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT "COPS," HAS BEEN CANCELED.
OH!
BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS, WHATCHA GONNA DO?
WHATCHA GONNA DO?
THEY FINALLY CAME FOR YOU.
CIVIL RIGHTS GROUPS HAVE BEEN PUSHING TO GET "COPS" OFF THE
AIR FOR ABOUT A DECADE BECAUSE IT SHOWS "A HIGHLY FILTERED
REALITY WHERE THE POLICE ARE ALWAYS COMPETENT,
CRIME-SOLVING HEROES AND WHERE THE BAD BOYS ALWAYS GET CAUGHT."
IN FACT, MOST POLICE DEPARTMENTS SAID THE SHOW SERVED AS A
RECRUITING TOOL.
WELL, THAT'S CRAZY!
YOU DON'T NEED TO BECOME A COP TO BE ON "COPS."
ALL YOU NEED IS A WHITE UNDERSHIRT THAT HAS NEVER BEEN
WASHED, A BUCKET OF METH, AND A BACKYARD FENCE YOU CAN'T JUMP
OVER.
"COPS" GETTING CANCELED ISN'T THE ONLY TECTONIC CULTURAL SHIFT
IN ENTERTAINMENT.
BECAUSE HBO MAX HAS TEMPORARILY PULLED "GONE WITH THE WIND"
BECAUSE OF ITS RACIST DEPICTIONS OF BLACK PEOPLE.
INSTEAD, THEY'RE GOING TO RELEASE THIS CUT OF THE MOVIE
WITH ALL OF THE RACIST SECTIONS REMOVED.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> OH!
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: ACCORDING TO A
STATEMENT FROM THE STREAMING SERVICE, THE MOVIE WAS PULLED
BECAUSE "THESE RACIST DEPICTIONS WERE WRONG THEN AND ARE WRONG
TODAY, AND WE FELT THAT TO KEEP THIS TITLE UP WITHOUT AN
EXPLANATION AND A DENOUNCEMENT OF THOSE DEPICTIONS WOULD BE
IRRESPONSIBLE."
NOW, FANS OF THE MOVIE MAY NOT LIKE THIS, BUT HBO ISSUED THIS
RESPONSE: >> FRANKLY MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE
A DAMN.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF GEORGIA, GEORGIA.
THERE'S AN ELECTION COMING UP, AND WE HAD A TEST RUN YESTERDAY
IN THE GEORGIA PRIMARY-- AND LET'S JUST SAY, THEY TESTED
NEGATIVE FOR "VOTING," BECAUSE YESTERDAY'S ELECTION WAS A
CATASTROPHE.
THE NUMBERS OF POLLING PLACES WAS DRAMATICALLY REDUCED, VOTERS
WERE TURNED AWAY WITHOUT BEING SURE THEIR PROVISIONAL BALLOTS
WOULD BE COUNTED, AND POLL WORKERS WERE UNABLE TO OPERATE
VOTING EQUIPMENT, WHICH LED TO VOTERS WAITING FOR HOURS TO
VOTE, WITH LINES STRETCHING FOR BLOCKS.
THIS FIASCO IS LARGELY THE FAULT OF GEORGIA GOVERNOR BRIAN KEMP,
SEEN HERE DISPLAYING WHAT SOME SCIENTISTS CLAIM IS "A SMILE."
KEMP IS ALREADY NOTORIOUS FOR VOTER SUPPRESSION BECAUSE, AS
GEORGIA'S SECRETARY OF STATE DURING THE 2018 ELECTION THAT HE
RAN IN AND YET WAS SOMEHOW ALSO IN CHARGE OF, HE PURGED MORE
THAN 1.4 MILLION VOTERS FROM THE ROLLS AND HELD UP TENS OF
THOUSANDS OF VOTER- REGISTRATION APPLICATIONS,
MOSTLY FROM AFRICAN AMERICANS.
SO WHEN IT COMES TO EXPOSING SYSTEMIC RACISM, BRIAN KEMP HAS
BEEN WHIPPING IT OUT FOR YEARS.
THE WHOLE THING IS LOOKING LIKE A RE-DO OF 2018 VOTER-
SUPPRESSION TACTICS.
AND LIKE ANY SEQUEL, IT'S A LITTLE ON THE NOSE, BECAUSE
STACEY ABRAMS, THE DEMOCRAT WHO NARROWLY LOST TO KEMP, IS MY
GUEST TONIGHT.
AND WHEN SHE GOT HER ABSENTEE BALLOT IN THE MAIL FOR
YESTERDAY'S ELECTION, IT ARRIVED WITH A SEALED RETURN
ENVELOPE, AND SHE WAS UNABLE TO MAIL IT BACK.
SO NOT ONLY DO WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH WIDESPREAD VOTER
SUPPRESSION.
EVIDENTALLY, SOME WEIRDO GOING AROUND LICKING PEOPLE'S
ENVELOPES.
ONE CRISIS AT A TIME, 2020.
AND WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD EXPLODING IN PROTEST OVER RACIAL
INJUSTICE AND THE ONGOING GLOBAL HEALTH CRISIS, IT MIGHT BE EASY
TO MISS THE LITTLE STORIES THAT FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS, LIKE
THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
LAST NIGHT, WE GOT REPORTS OF A POTENTIAL BOMBSHELL THANKS TO A
LEAKED ZOOM CALL WITH VIRGINIA DEMOCRATS HELD BY BIDEN
SURROGATE AND MAN DREAMING OF A SAME TOMORROW, TERRY McAULLIFE.
WELL, THIS MORNING, FOX NEWS WAS PRETTY JAZZED ABOUT THEIR LITTLE
SCOOP.
>> FOX NEWS EXCLUSIVELY OBTAINS VIDEO OF TOP BIDEN SURROGATE,
TERRY McAULIFFE, TELLING VIRGINIA DELEGATES THE FORMER
VICE PRESIDENT SHOULD REMAIN IN HIS BASEMENT WHERE HE'S BEEN
CAMPAIGNING REMOTELY DURING THE PANDEMIC.
>> PEOPLE SAY ALL THE TIME, "OH, WE GOT TO GET THE VICE PRESIDENT
OUT OF THE BASEMENT.
HE'S FINE IN THE BASEMENT.
TWO PEOPLE SEE HIM A DAY: HIS TWO BODY PEOPLE.
THAT'S IT.
AND LET TRUMP KEEP DOING WHAT TRUMP'S DOING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S YOUR "EXCLUSIVELY OBTAINED VIDEO?"
THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE OBTAINED BY ANYONE.
I'LL COME OUT AND SAY IT PUBLICLY: JOE, STAY IN THE
BASEMENT.
BECAUSE WITHOUT LEAVING YOUR HOUSE, YOU'RE CRUSHING TRUMP
"WITH A STAGGERING 14-POINT LEAD."
YOU ARE KICKING TRUMP'S ASS!
ADMITTEDLY, THAT'S NOT HARD TO DO.
THAT'S A PRETTY GENEROUS TARGET.
JUST START WAVING YOUR LEG, YOU'RE GOING TO HIT SOMETHING.
IN FACT, TRUMP HAS SEEN A DROP IN HIS POLL NUMBERS "SPANNING
VIRTUALLY ALL DEMOGRAPHIC GROUPS," AND "WOMEN MIGHT BE HIS
UNDOING THIS TIME BECAUSE TRUMP TRAILS BIDEN BY 25 POINTS AMONG
THEM."
( AS TRUMP )
BUT I LOVE TO WATCH YOU LEAVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
OH, YOU DO KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LEAVING?
OKAY, GOODBYE."
TRUMP WAS SO MAD ABOUT THE POLL THAT HIS CAMPAIGN SENT "A CEASE
AND DESIST LETTER TO CNN PRESIDENT JEFF ZUCKER,"
"DEMANDING CNN RETRACT THE POLL AND APOLOGIZE."
AND CNN IMMEDIATELY ISSUED THIS APOLOGY VIA CNN CORRESPONDENT
DEMI LOVATO.
♪ BABY I'M SORRY I'M NOT SORRY ♪
>> Stephen: SINCE THE PROTESTS BEGAN, CORPORATE AMERICA HAS
BEEN QUICK TO VOICE THEIR SUPPORT FOR GEORGE FLOYD AND
BLACK LIVES MATTER: NIKE, PELOTON, TWITTER, EVEN
BEN & JERRY'S RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, "WE MUST
DISMANTLE WHITE SUPREMACY."
THAT IS A BOLD STANCE FOR AN ICE CREAM COMPANY.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN SOMETHING THAT STRONG SINCE L.B.J. SIGNED THE
CIVIL RIGHTS ACT FLANKED BY DR. KING AND MR. SOFTEE.
I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM FOR JUSTICE.
BY THE WAY, STEPHEN COLBERT'S AMERICONE DREAM, FROM BEN &
JERRY'S AVAILABLE IN PINTS AND PINT SLICES.
ALL PROCEEDS GO TO CHARITY.
THE REST GOES TO YOUR HIPS.
GO GET IT.
SPEAKING OF HELPING, YOU KNOW WHO'S NOT HELPING?
DONALD TRUMP.
WHEN WE NEEDED LEADERSHIP THE MOST, HE'S FAILED US IN EVERY
WAY POSSIBLE.
SO LAST WEEK, I INVITED YOU TO FILL THE PRESIDENTIAL VACUUM.
SO TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF TO BE A LEADER AND SET AN EXAMPLE OF THE
KIND OF COUNTRY YOU WANT TO LIVE IN.
THAT MIGHT MEAN GOING DOWN TO A PROTEST OR MAKING A DONATION
OR HAVING A TENSE CONVERSATION ABOUT RACE.
BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET THAT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, SO WE NEED
TO STEP UP AND PROVIDE IT OURSELVES.
AMERICA IS NOW B.Y.O.P.-- BE YOUR OWN PRESIDENT.
OF COURSE, A BIG PART OF BEING A LEADER IS DIRECTING RESOURCES TO
THE PEOPLE WHO MOST NEED IT.
BUT ANOTHER BIG PART IS HAVING COOL STUFF WITH YOUR
PRESIDENTIAL LOGO ON IT.
SO WE'VE DECIDED TO HELP WITH BOTH.
ALL OF YOU WHO ARE STEPPING UP TO BE YOUR OWN PRESIDENT CAN NOW
GO TO colbertlateshow.com/b.y.o.p.
TO GET GEAR WITH THE "BE YOUR OWN PRESIDENTIAL SEAL" ON IT.
100% OF "THE LATE SHOW'S" PROCEEDS WILL GO TO SUPPORTING
NATIONAL BAIL OUT, THE N.A.A.C.P., THE N.A.A.C.P. LEGAL
DEFENSE FUND, AND THE NATIONAL URBAN LEAGUE, ALL OF WHOM ARE
DOING VITAL WORK TO HELP PEACEFUL PROTESTERS AND ADDRESS
THE INHERENT RACISM IN OUR SOCIETY.
NOW, ALL OF YOU SELF-POTUS OUT THERE HAVE FOUR EXCITING
OPTIONS: A MUG TO HELP YOU GET
CAFFEINATED BEFORE THE PROTEST, A "SHIRT FORCE ONE" TO
WEAR TO THE PROTEST, A MASK TO WEAR TO KEEP YOU SAFE AT THE
PROTEST, AND A PINT GLASS FOR AFTER THE PROTEST, SO YOU CAN
HAVE A WELL-DESERVED COLD ONE.
AND THEY ALL FEATURE THE OFFICIAL "BE YOUR OWN
PRESIDENTIAL SEAL," WHICH FEATURES A BALD EAGLE WITH AN
OPEN HANDCUFF AND KEY, WHICH SYMBOLIZES TRYING TO MAKE THIS
THE FREEST SOCIETY WE CAN, WITH THE LATIN PHRASE, "IN ABSENTIA
DUCATUS," WHICH MEANS "IN THE ABSENCE OF LEADERSHIP," AND ALSO
"STEPHEN TOOK LATIN CLASSES AND LIKES TO SHOW OFF."
SO HEAD TO colbertlateshow.com/b.y.o.p.
TO GET YOURSELF SOME B.Y.O.P.
SWAG, SUPPORT THESE ORGANIZATIONS, AND KEEP WORKING
TO MAKE THIS A BETTER COUNTRY.
BECAUSE, AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, EVERY CHILD IN AMERICA HAS THE
RIGHT TO GROW UP AND BE BETTER THAN THIS PRESIDENT.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
STACEY ABRAMS IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.