-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
You're here! You made it! [ Cheers and applause ]
Wow. What a crowd.
Well, guys, this is very exciting.
Last night was the season premiere of "The Bachelorette."
[ Woman cheers ] Yeah.
I'm pumped for this season 'cause we get to see people
spreading viruses the old-fashioned way.
You know? [ Laughter ]
That's right. After a year locked inside,
viewers were like, "You know, hooking up with 30 strangers
doesn't seem so crazy anymore." [ Laughter ]
That's right. "The Bachelorette" is back and everyone's fired up.
But you just got to remember it's a staged show
that's mostly fake, kind of like a boxing match
between Floyd Mayweather and Logan Paul.
So just know that. [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ] Know it going in.
[ Laughter ]
♪ -Are we done forever? ♪ [ Laughter ]
-You see this?
At one point they introduced a contestant named Connor B.
with a short video, and it's pretty interesting.
Well, you tell me if you think it's interesting. Watch.
♪♪
-I'm Connor B.
I am 29 years old, and I'm from Nashville, Tennessee.
Eighth graders, I'm going to miss you guys!
My main occupation is a math teacher.
[ Laughter ]
-Wait, what?
[ Laughter ]
-After that bath video,
I think it's safe to say he "was" a math teacher.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God.
-Yep, Connor might not find love,
but his substitute just found a full-time job, so...
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Vocalizes ]
-I'll play a ukulele in a bathtub.
-Get this. Another contestant, Cody, listed his job --
check this out -- as zipper sales manager.
[ Laughter ]
Wait, a zipper salesman and he's single?
[ Laughter ]
-Lots of ups and downs on that job, you know?
-What's that?
-A lot of ups and downs on that job.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rimshot ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-If that wasn't strange enough,
another contestant said that he was a surgical skin salesmen.
[ Audience ohs ]
'Cause if there's one thing women love to hear
on a first date, it's, "Well, I sell human skin. Hiya."
[ Laughter ]
That's right. "The Bachelorette" is back,
and even though it was the first episode,
things got pretty intense.
The emotions on that show can be a little hard to handle
sometimes, so I thought we could help.
Here's a clip from the episode
re-voiced with the least emotional person we know, Siri.
This is "Let's Get Siri-ous."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Let's get Siri-ous.
-I don't like you, bro.
Like, I've never liked you and that's fine.
We don't have to talk at all, bro.
Right. Right. And it's not my fault I don't like you, bro.
You know, bro, you don't like me, so that is your fault.
I'm like, "What are you talking about, dude?"
I'm literally just telling you exactly what's up, bro.
That's it. Alright, man.
I don't agree with anything that you said,
but okay, that's fine, man. Bro.
I don't think there was a need for that at all, bro.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-What?
And in more "Bachelor" news, today ABC announced
that Chris Harrison is officially exiting the franchise
after 19 years. [ Audience awws ]
Yep, Harrison knew there was trouble when the producers
brought his suitcase to the meeting.
[ Laughter ] "No, you're kidding."
[ Laughter ]
It's going to be awkward in the finale when the limo driver
lowers the partition to reveal it's Chris Harrison.
[ Laughter ]
Right now he's editing his résumé like,
"matchmaker with 19 years experience
and 3 successful couples?"
[ Laughter ]
"Give or take." [ Laughter ]
"Two successful couples?" [ Laughter ]
Some political news -- Lester Holt sat down with
Vice President Kamala Harris for an exclusive interview.
And when he asked why she hasn't visited the border yet,
you can tell that she didn't quite have an answer prepared.
Listen to this.
-Do you have any plans to visit the border?
-At some point.
We are going to the border. We've been to the border.
So this whole thing about the border,
we've been to the border.
We've been to the border. -You haven't been to the border?
-And I haven't been to Europe.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, that escalated quickly.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Harris was not in the mood.
Don't be surprised if you see Lester Holt
narrating his own episode of "Dateline."
[ Laughter ]
"It started out as a normal interview."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, it was just announced that former President Trump is
launching a speaking tour with Bill O'Reilly...
[ Audience groans ] ...called "the history tour."
[ Laughter ]
When he heard, Sean Hannity was like,
"Well, I met someone new and totally awesome too, so, um."
[ Laughter ]
It should be a fun tour.
Backstage passes automatically come with
a hush money payment of $130,000. Isn't that nice?
[ Cheers and applause ]
And I read that the CDC issued a warning that salmonella
has been linked to some breaded chicken products.
With chicken sandwiches at stake,
even conspiracy theorists were like, "Vaccines, now!"
[ Laughter ]
"Put the Bill Gates in me! Let's go!"
[ Laughter ]
"I'm going to Popeyes!"
[ Laughter and applause ] "You're not stopping me!
I'm going to Popeyes! Give me the 5G!"
[ Applause ]
Some fashion news --
Balenciaga just unveiled its new stiletto Crocs.
Here's a photo.
[ Laughter ]
It's a great way to be comfortable
and uncomfortable at the same time.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, stiletto Crocs,
or as strippers call them, business casual.
[ Laughter ]
Give it up for your dancer, Herman!
♪♪
[ Air horn ]
-Stiletto.
-And finally, a pizzeria in Rhode Island
just introduced a new employee. Watch this.
-A robot named Servi is now attending to customers
at Angelo's Palace Pizza.
So far, she's been a big hit, with many customers
requesting a table in Servi's section.
She can chat with guests and even wish them a happy birthday.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
And just like a real server, Servi waits until
the exact moment you take a huge bite before asking,
"How's everything tasting over here?"
[ Laughter ]
Yep, it's a great innovation, especially when
the last customer leaves and Servi becomes Moppy.
[ Laughter and applause ] We have a great show, everyone!
Give it up for the Roots!
♪♪
What a show we have for you tonight.
Thank you. This is a perfect crowd.
-This is perfect! -This is perfection!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Joining us in studio, his new movie "In the Heights" premieres
this Thursday -- Lin-Manuel Miranda is here!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, yeah! Getting a standing ovation.
No, he's not here yet. No, don't stand up.
-No, later. -He's not coming out.
Later he'll come out.
-He's not hiding behind the chair.
-Got a standing ovation just saying his name.
[ Cheers and applause ] I love that.
Plus, from the Netflix series "Bridgerton,"
Phoebe Dynevor is here!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And you want to talk about two cool kids right here?
We have music from Sharon Van Etten and Angel Olsen.
Come on, look at that!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Guys, it's hard to believe, but it's been over a year
since we all got on Zoom,
and yet some people are still getting the hang of it,
even people on TV, so you know what that means.
It's time for another installment of
"Greatest Moments in Zoom History."
Enjoy. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-What do you think is most important,
most urgent right now?
[ Laughter ]
-We also heard reports that grant funding has gone down de--
[ Laughter ]
-I think I lost Representative Clark.
-I understand that Congresswoman Clark is back on.
-I hope this is a more successful outing.
We are s--
[ Laughter ]
-I love them both. I hope it's true.
That would be awesome. -Oh! Very good. Alright.
-We were just saying the same thing.
Oh, no! [ Laughter ]
-Representative Gerry Connolly of Virginia,
who's the president of the NATO Parliamentary Assembly,
for five minutes.
-[ Indiscernible robotic voice ]
-I'm having a hard time hearing you, Mr. Connolly.
You're coming in --
You're breaking up. It's hard to understand you.
-[ Robotic voice ] Can you hear me now?
[ Laughter and applause ]