S: I lost weight H: He just got weighed by the doctor
H: We knew you lost weight but-- S: I knew I lost weight
S: But I didn't have a number, I just kinda thought it was...
S: It just became real H: Uh huh
S: They were like "ooh, you need to gain some weight"
H: Yeah, so now... S: Now the eating begins
H: [laughs]
S: If you have any recipes that are high in fat, high in calories
H: Yeah, as much as possible S: Send them my way
H: We can make a lot of cheese dip S: We're gonna be eating a lot of cheese dip
H: [laughs]
S: Avocado and peanut butter dipped in cheese
H: Oh my god [laughs] S: And then deep fried
H: Perfect, yum S: With icing on top
H: Okay, if you just ate dessert it would really help
S: What I need to do is drink more beer [laughs]
H: Oh my god, I think that is like 90% of your diet right now
S: Don't say that, they'll take you seriously [laughs] H: I'm kidding, I'm kidding everyone
S: Beer has calories though
H: But not for that amount of liquid, like if you just had something---
S: [makes noise of denial]
H: Okay, well beers are big, like you drink the whole can
H: If you just drink something that had more calories, that's fine
S: Also putting chocolate syrup in my beer
H: Yeah, something like that, milkshakes S: [makes disgusted noise]
H: Oh my god
[instrumental music]
H: Okay we need an intervention in our relationship
S: It's not an intervention
H: We need people to intervene and tell us who's right, that's what I'm saying
H: I believe that Shane's socks, his fuzzy socks
H: Should be worn one way when we're in public
H: I think that there is a way to wear them that is a little bit less obnoxious
H: Than the way he wants to wear them, so we're gonna show you his preferred way
H: That he thinks is more appropriate for public
H: And then we're going to show you my way
H: That I think is more appropriate for public
H: And we're gonna see who you guys agree with
S: I get to say my bit, I think that my socks
H: Just so you know you have red wine all over your lips, sorry everyone
S: We filmed an ad for Bright Cellars recently
H: And you drank all the wine S: And I had to drink the wine
H: [laughs] S: I believe that my method
S: Of wearing my socks is hip and unique and a little bit edgy, a little bit weird
H: Okay, okay
S: But Hannah's way makes me look like a five year old
H: Well can I talk about the two ways then?
S: No, go ahead and show them H: No, I get to say something
S: You just got to do your bit
H: I didn't get to say a single thing, no S: No, you said your thing
H: I do not think that the way Shane wears his fuzzy socks is hipster
H: I think it's creepy, I think that an almost 30 year old man
H: Wearing his socks that way is weird
H: If I saw a man in the grocery store like that I would be like
H: "Hmm, that's a little weird"
H: I think the way that I prefer is more normal, okay
H: So now we're gonna show you Shane's way first and then my way
S: Please vote H: Please vote
H: Let's prep for your way, we'll do both your way
H: So this is how Shane wants to go around the grocery store
H: Pulled up high S: See?
S: People will be like "woah, that is some character right there"
H: I don't think that, I think that it's really weird
H: Okay, now this is the way that I would prefer Shane wear his socks in public
S: This is so weird H: Shane...
H: Scrunched down, I think that looks way more appropriate
S: No, it looks like I have frilly fluffy puffballs
H: [laughs] S: It's like I have a loofah on my ankles
S: No
H: So now it's your guys' turn to tell us who is right
H: If you think Shane should wear his socks pulled up to his britches
H: Pulled up to his hips, however high he can go
S: No
H: Or if you think they should be shoved down as far as they can recede into his shoe
S: Yeah, when they're bulbous, you like it bulbous and irregular
H: It's more relaxed and casual, pulled up is so weird
S: Let us know H: Like...
H: For one more comparison, oh if Chloe would move
H: Anyway, for one more comparison, there's the socks
H: So let us know what you think, oh my god
H: You look ridiculous with them pulled up
S: Normal, bulbous H: [laughs]
S: Normal, bulbous
H: I swear to god if anyone calls that normal, I'm gonna die
S: You ever heard of Kyle Korver? H: No
S: And that's all I need to say right there
H: [laughs] What? S: Kyle Korver
H: Okay, whatever, does Kyle Korver wear fuzzy socks like that?
S: Yes, yeah, all the time H: Really? Like blue?
H: No, I'm talking about in public, this is a discussion about being in public
H: Does that man wear fuzzy socks pulled up to his knees?
S: He can wear whatever he wants, even pulled up
H: No, he doesn't? Okay S: I've never seen him do that
H: That's all I need to know
S: I own a lot of ties and I really like them but I never wear them
S: Because look, they are too long H: [laughs] Uh huh
S: This is a child sized tie H: Yeah it's all over your knees
S: And always Hannah and I will joke, we'll be like "Let's just cut the tie"
S: But we never do it H: Because it feels wrong
S: Yeah, it feels like then the tie is ruined
S: But now we're gonna try it H: We're gonna do it, it's time
[clapping and cheering plus music]
S: So Hannah got to be really mean and rude about my socks in this video
S: So it's only fair that I am allowed to voice a grievance
S: That I've been having with Hannah lately
H: I know what you're gonna say and I feel like "been having" makes this one time event
H: That you're about to recount seem like a recurring issue
S: Show them your hands, please
S: Hannah had her nails done for the wedding
S: As you can see, they are long and beautiful and fake and sharp
S: You might have an idea where I'm going with this
S: But I assure you that the event that happened is much more horrifying
S: Than you can possibly be fathoming right now, so buckle up
S: Because it was a horrible, horrible injury that I suffered
H: Oh my actual god
S: At the hands of what I thought was my loving wife
H: You guys are gonna laugh when you hear this
S: 'Twas last night, I was drifting off into a peaceful sleep
H: Uh huh
S: You know sleep is kind of like a respite for me
H: And for everyone S: After the suffering of a long day
S: I feel like I deserve....
H: What about yesterday was suffering for you? [laughs]
S: I don't know, anyway I was laying in bed and what I thought was my loving wife
S: Was curled up against me with her legs tucked under my legs
S: Her arm around me and kind of cradling my knee
H: I agree, and I was also falling into a sweet, sweet respite
H: Faster than you, in fact, because at this point then, I was about to fall asleep
S: And that is a problem when you sleep with Hannah
S: Falling asleep Hannah twitches H: Yep
S: Yeah is that fair? Is that the right word? H: Yes, I twitch a lot, it's fine
H: Sometimes I jerk myself awake, sometimes it's a soft twitch
S: Routinely I'll be falling asleep and I'll feel the bed jolt
S: I'm like "are you alright?" and she's like "yeah, I realized that, I twitched"
H: Yes, I twitch a lot, I agree, okay
S: So I'm sinking into a sweet abyss, thinking happy thoughts
S: My life is wonderful, out of nowhere a talon claw suddenly grasps my knee
S: Sharp, digging into my flesh, digging into my muscle and bone
H: Okay, Shane, was this a twitch or was it an extended latch? It was a twitch
S: It was a violent twitch H: Okay, so yeah, it was...
S: But seconds felt like hours H: A millisecond
S: She grips my knee, no it was not like that, it was violent
H: Yes it was S: Grips my knee, my raw bare knee
S: With her sharp razor nails H: These aren't sharp, they're flat
H: They're dull S: Tell that to my poor knee
S: So I go "AAAH" H: He does that exact sound
H: That's the only true part of the story, he does that and wakes me up
H: And I was like "are you serious?" and he was like "you just grabbed my knee"
H: I was asleep and now I'm awake, I was so annoyed
S: Me too, that's why I made the noise
S: Because I was like ah peace peace peace, AAAH, pain!
H: But when you woke me up I moved the blanket and I looked at his knee
H: Because I thought that there would be a scratch, a red mark
H: But nothing, not even a scratch S: It was dark
H: But even next morning there wasn't a scratch
S: I heal very quickly H: [laughs] Oh my god
H: There was nothing on your knee, there was not even...
H: It was literally just a little S: No yeah, it didn't hurt at all
S: But it was just the shock of it or just, I was about to fall asleep
S: And suddenly her nails are being raked across my knee
H: So you didn't so much scream in pain, you screamed in fear
H: You were like "what's happening" S: I was startled, yeah
H: You were startled and yelled really loudly
S: Imagine you're falling asleep and someone takes a razor blade
S: And slides it across your leg
H: The phrases you're using, like raked across your knee, razorblades
H: These are dull, they're dull S: Yeah, when you touch me like that
S: But when you use a lot more force, yeah that didn't hurt but it was like OH
H: I wouldn't call these razorblades
S: So anyway we're getting a divorce and that's the end of the episode
S: Thank you everyone, bye
[instrumental music]