*Achievement Hunter and Rage Quit intro*
So you're just driving down the street and see this fucking thing behind you,
you're gonna fucking floor it, right?
Like I'm going through red lights!
We're back with this fucking weirdo, the Burger King guy.
This is PocketBike Racer,
one of the uh...
fucking Burger King games from like 1973.
And we're gonna play some fucking tournament racing!
Obviously we're gonna go hardcore uh...
I was gonna do hardcore 150, but it's locked, so we'll do hardcore 50.
'Cause that's all I have.
We got The King, naturally.
I mean, you know, he's on the fucking cover
*Laughs* Let's- you know.
The guy is gonna be on the game, OK?
Brooke Burke, I don't know who the fuck that is,
she probably does SOMETHING.
some chicken,
a WHOPPER JR.®,
Winston, the guy that hands you your food, he's got the microphone thing on,
Cristina, probably works the cashier, 'cause she doesn't have the microphone thing on,
a Biker, that's the guy I'm not sure WHAT he does at Burger King,
and then there's Jolly.
Oh crap!
Ok, and I have all the uh..
the good bikes locked, so I'm gonna get my fucking butthole shredded.
Hooooooly shit!
This is uh..
this is a fucking loading bar.
Look at this.
What is taking forever to load?
The game has like twenty seven pixels in it.
"Tip #22" You could've gone through like 500 by now.
I'm still sitting here.
This is like-
it's still Thursday, but it's close,
it's close to Friday...
at this point.
No!
You-no-
We good?
We good? (2x)
No!
Wait!
Wait! (2x)
Wait! (3x)
Picking the burger for comedic effect may not have helped me,
because I can't see SHIT!
Well I mean I see a giant burger I guess, but it's too much!
Am I a single or a double?
'Cause if I'm a double, it's slowing me down.
It's like I'm a single, so I guess I have good acceleration,
but I'm fucking being weighed down by the tomato,
if we can get rid of that shit.
Probably mayonnaise,
I don't know if Burger King puts mayonnaise on their burgers,
it's fucking gross!
Mayonnaise sucks!
How do I keep getting into 1st and 2nd?
Who, where-
Hey, you fuck!
You fucking taking short cuts?!
Get over here!
Goddamn it, it's the fucking King!
Like of course the guy is gonna win!
We're driving around the parking lot at Burger King!
The dude fucking lives here!
He's probably got a fucking trailer out back!
Goddamn it!
Ah shit!
What you-
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
I FUCKING FOLLOWED YOU, YOU IDIOT!
Try to get around the fucking tires!
You know all the tires that are hanging out in the fucking parking lot!
Fuck!
Fuck! (2x)
Fuck! (3x)
Fuck! (4x)
Come here you son of a bitch!
Oh shit, never mind.
That was the end.
"Tip #19 - RE: Shield"
Is there shit in this game?
Like I guess it's a Mario Kart type game, but I didn't see dick...
that last level.
I didn't see dick except fucking tires everywhere
and I saw one guy in the drive-thru
who was probably very confused and bewildered by what was happening around his vehicle.
Come on.
Any fucking day now.
This-this might be as long as the race!
Oh, you can't fuck with my meat!
Check out my pattie, you bitch!
This is fucking premium beef!
Ah shit, I hit a wall.
Oh dude, we are tearing up somebody's fucking backyard!
*Motorcycle screech*
Dude was that Mark Nutt? Did you see that?
I'm behind the fucking chicken!
The chicken is beating me in 7th place.
How do I do a stunt?
How can I- can I do a stunt?
How do I do a stunt?
HOW THE FUCK DO I DO A STUNT?!
I am uh..
I am not doing well here.
Holy-
OH SHIT!!
We're fucking doing donuts everywhere!
Like we're fucking DESTROYING this fucking neighborhood!
GODDAMN IT!!
FUCK!
Oh my God, I ran over your flowers!
Fuck your flowers.
Fuck your stupid flowers.
MOTHERFUCKER!
I'm fucking drifting too much!
Like the problem is if you are not out of control, than you're not in control,
but if you get too far out of control, you just keep driving to the same fucking porch OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
Beat this bitch and take 5th!
HOW DID YOU MISS THE FUCKING TURN?!
Get your fucking meat in gear, you son of a bitch!
Can I use some of the grease from the trap and go faster or some shit?
Like it's like put in my car or something.
Oooooh fuck!
Oh-
GODDAMN IT-
Oh, I made it!
Barley made it!
Barley made it! (2x)
AROUND the fucking corner!
Wow, and uh, a solid 5th fucking place.
Ah FUCK!
All right, I hit the A button, So I didn't see what the score was.
I think I'm getting my ass kicked.
It keeps fucking talking about all these fucking weapons and shit,
there's NOTHING THERE!
There's nothing on the Goddamn course!
I AIN'T PICKING UP DICK!
*Whistles*
Things are getting pretty fucking elaborate.
So we started at the parking lot of a Burger King,
and then we were in a neighborhood,
and now we're I don't have no fucking idea.
Like some castle or some shit?
This-
Is this where fucking Lara Croft lives?
This looks like the fucking house from the first game.
Put in the fucking nude cheat, you can see her fucking triangle titties!
It-there-there-
she's NUDE!!
Where the hell are we going?
Nope. That way?
Ok.
I just got lost and uh..
You know I think like since I move sluggish as shit
and I have no fucking handling 'cause I'm a fucking CHEESEBURGER
that I'd be able to knock people out of the way?
No, I'm a bitch!
Look at this!
Look-
Brooke's kicking my ass!
This Biker is about to pass me!
You fuck!
Oh dude, this is the level for drifting.
Like my meat is shinning!
Ooooooooooh crap!
Oh, I'm off roading!
I'm on roading, never mind.
There's a fucking giraffe, I just noticed.
Two giraffes.
Was that-
What's the plural of giraffes?
Giraiffe?
Cutting corners, cutting corners, cutting corners!
Suck my dick, King!
SUCK MY DICK, YOU ROYAL BITCH!
Ah, fuck!
Oh the finish line would be great if I can get to the finish line before this motherfucker just blasts past me.
Stay in the road, stay in the road!
Oh what is-
I'm gonna hit this.
SPEEEEED BOAST!!!
GODDAMN IT!!
SON OF A BITCH!!!
It wasn't a fucking speed boast at all, it was a ramp.
I don't know why I yelled, "Speed boast!"
Uh...
WASN'T GOING FUCKING FAST ENOUGH TO MAKE IT!
He is fucking waaaaaay ahead of me.
You make ONE wrong jump.
Why do I get to wait for CPU's?
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
FUCK!
FUCK! (2x)
FUCK! (3x)
I HIT THE FUCKING A BUTTON AGAIN!
I have no idea what the score is!
I'm getting my ass kicked in!
The King got 1st place three fucking games in a row, so it's not really necessary,
BUT I LIKE TO FUCKING SEE IT ONCE!
Can I make this jump?
Hey, at least I fucking made that jump.
So this is like the classic scenario from the cartoons where like the baby's climbing out on the-
on like the high beams and shit.
I hope we see some babies 'cause I wanna run one over with my motorcycle.
I'm just getting throttled.
I'm in 3rd place.
I did pretty good this whole fucking race!
My bike just sucks wee wee.
Oh my God!
Jesus, I didn't think I was gonna make that fucking jump!
And then back through the fucking poo poo pipe.
Oh shit.
Oh-
Oh my God, I almost fucking drove off!
Jesus Christ-
WHAT?!
WHAT?! (2x)
WHAT?! (3x)
WHERE THE FUCK DID-
AH SHIT!!
I can't fucking PASS this prick!
You FUCK-
GODDAMN IT!!!
MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Well, that goes that fucking deal!
Well after four to five games, The King's already fucking won.
I'm reliving my uh, Sonic All Stars Versus here.
The fucking King beat my ass before the game was over.
Ray beat my fucking ass before the game was over.
So I guess that's about it!
Everybody's just fucking beating my ass!
It's like fucking Burger King, man!
HAVE IT YOUR WAY!
Unless you wanna win the race.
Because if that's what you want,
GO FUCK YOURSELF!
*Achievement Hunter outro*