How do you call a man out on his shitty dating behaviors?
What do you do if you're not naturally upbeat and how do you get the guy
you're seeing to check in on a daily basis?
Welcome to Ask Mark, this is week #43 and some really lovely, really lovely,
beautiful questions this week.
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All right, so the first question is from Leslie and I love this question.
So Leslie says, "Mark, you don't think it's worth it to ever call a guy out.
I think any self-respecting high value woman should have boundaries and
call a guy out when he has strung a person along and rejected you. Otherwise. I think
men will get away with shitty behaviors."
Now, we don't want men getting away with shitty behaviors, Leslie.
So I really do love the question. Now, I think this video of this question rather
came from the ghosting video.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think it was that video and it's, it can be applied to any
situation where a man has done something that you don't like or
that you don't want him to do to someone else in the future could be ghosting,
it could be using you for sex or for love, it could be any sort of immoral stringing
you along. As, as they said, any sort of immoral dating behaviors.
Should you give a man feedback? And if so, how do you give a man feedback?
So this is really important. Now on a lot of my videos I talk about taking yourself
away and simply going on and getting on with your amazing life is better than
standing around calling him out.
And this is why - people learn from negatives. Okay, the human brain developed things like
pain, things like frustration. It develop these negative emotions as fuels to change
something, to change an action, to change something about the environment, something
needed to change to enhance our survival. That's the purpose that negative emotions
showed, and we all know this instinctively. So when someone does wrong by you,
when a man does wrong by you, the instinct is to want to give him as much negative
emotions as soon as possible, right? Your ego kicks in and even though you might
not do it, you really want to bitch that guy out. You want to call him on it or
do you want to tell him what it's at? You want to make him feel shitty so that
he doesn't do this again. Now, sometimes your intent is purely from your ego.
You want to bite back at him. Other times you're intent is genuinely just so that he
doesn't do that to another woman, but in either case, it's important to examine the
type of negatives that you're giving a man to teach him.
The instinctual one, which is just to bite back. Put yourself in that position.
At some point, you've probably ghosted someone you might have not even
realized that you did it you just stopped replying and the guy went away sad.
Now, imagine that guy calling you up on it by say an aggressive text message.
He sends you a text out of nowhere. You just thought you stopped messaging and
he says, "Hey, well f**k you. This is why women are manipulators. Don't ever text
me again. You can just f**k off."
Does it make you want to change your behavior? Not really.
The way I put this question is that imagine if everyone did that action,
would it change the world, and how would it change the world?
If every woman gave me in this type of negative feedback, what would end up
happening? Would men really learn their lesson and want to act? Probably not.
Men will get a little negative feedback, but mostly they just end up resenting and
become really annoyed at women. So what's a better way?
What's a better way to give feedback, negative feedback to men in dating?
Well, there are slightly better ways to be more vulnerable with it.
For example, saying something like, "Hey, just letting you know, like just wanting
to give you a bit of feedback that the way you disappeared without messaging, it,
it really hurt me like it really stung. I'm not saying this to get you back. I'm not saying
this cause I want anything. Just a bit of feedback for future women you meet."
And you know that'll have a little bit of an impact. The negative emotion you're
going for there is not the ego kick. It's not anger, it's guilt. The man feels guilty.
Hopefully he doesn't do that to another woman in the future. Now, if your intent
is really on point and if you're honest that you're not doing this to get him back,
then maybe that's a way you decide to give him man feedback. But again,
look at it from your point of view.
If you've got that feedback, how would you receive it? You'd be more likely to think
it over then the first version, but it would depend where you are whether you take
it on board. If you're feeling very lonely, if you feel like you haven't met any men
lately, you might take that feedback quite seriously, but if you are off dating someone
else happy, you probably read it, feel guilty for 30 seconds and then shrug your
shoulders. Meanwhile, this guy has spent an enormous amount of time stewing over
you, brewing over you probably planning that text. He's focused so much energy
on you and you haven't thought about him. And it's the same in reverse.
Giving men feedback by this vulnerable method again is putting all this focus on
attention on someone who is out of your life in the ghosting example and hasn't
really earned it. So what's the best way to give a man negative feedback
to change his actions, so that he doesn't do it to you?
Or perhaps more importantly, any other woman again?
How can you find something that projects that if everyone did it,
it would work? It's very simple.
The best negative feedback you can give a man for his actions
that you did not like in dating is the loss of you.
Men, if they lose you, should feel so sh*t just from losing
an awesome woman that you don't need to do any of this other stuff -
make him feel guilty and make him feel terrible.
You don't have to do any of that. The loss of you should be enough.
You don't walk away to make him feel bad,
but if you're an awesome woman, if you're working on your life,
if you're kicking your goals, then that should be all it takes
because if every woman in the world did that,
if every woman in the world walked away from a ghoster,
didn't make time for him, held her standards high,
I guarantee you, there would be no ghosting men in the world.
I guarantee it.
When do men really listen to feedback? It's when they're coming towards you.
Think of it like a dog. If a dog is wanting chicken and you're holding lettuce
and the dog is running away to some chicken somewhere else, fat chance,
that dog's going to sit for you, but then the dog realizes that you're the one
that actually has all the chicken. It comes back suddenly tell the dog to sit, now
it wants to listen. The negative experience of losing all the chicken and the realization
that, "Hey, the chicken's actually over here, better sit for that shit" is how the dog learns
and it's exactly the same with men. Such a good question. Such a good question. All right.
The next question is from Olivia and Olivia says, this is all great, but not all of us
and naturally upbeat. So what do girls like us do?
Olivia, this is really important in the end, like attracts like your energy is going to
attract a similar energy to your life. For me, I'm always looking at ways I can change.
I'm always looking at ways I can change myself, not for anybody else,
but how can I put out an energy that I love more? How can I put in an energy
to you that you're going to resonate with more? I want you to resonate with my
video. So I think, okay, how can I make sure that I'm putting out an energy where you and
I can connect? This is not something I'm doing to please you, but it's something
I love doing for myself and this is the personal development attitude, Olivia,
that I'd encourage you to adopt. So don't change for a man, not for a second
because then you're going to portray your own values.
But what I have every client do when I first meet them is figuring out clearly what their
values are and what they live like if they were living true to their authentic self.
Because none of us are. I guarantee, no matter who you are and no matter
how authentically you're living, there's ways you can enhance, me included all of us.
So Olivia, ask yourself, what is my most authentic self? And I'm pretty sure
it's not going to be you sitting around grumbling, being sad, putting out these
negative energies to the world. Define your authentic self and then make a
project of yourself to living it. Whatever it is that will become the energy you attract,
the men you attract to your life, and there's ways to do this or you've got to do is look
for them. My clients come to me. We do simple exercises.
We put questions on their alarms, on their phone throughout the day.
We do meditation, we do things like practicing this self-talk.
We learn to recognize their patterns. They recognize their own patterns and they work
on changing the ones that aren't serving them in putting the energies they want out
there and being their authentic selves. Whatever it is for you though,
you've got to figure out how do I want to be, how do I want to change myself to be
my best self and then go and do that.
A good tip I use with clients to help with this is figure out the type of energy that
you love to see in another person.
When we look at a movie hero or say a sports star, when we look at someone
and admire their traits, what we're really admiring about them is traits within ourselves.
Most of us don't look at really negative, miserable people and go, I love that.
We look at people where we know there's part of that energy within us.
And so I'd say to you, Olivia, or you out there, figure out what that energy is.
So even if you're not upbeat, now, figure out, "Hey, I just love the Rock cause
he's always smiling." That energy is in you. That's why you love that energy.
So do what it takes, find a coach, search the internet, read books,
do whatever it takes to bring that energy out within yourself and change yourself
for the better. Awesome question.
Next question is from Tiago, and Tiago sent a message, through on
the Facebook. Make sure you join the Facebook group.
Tiago says, "Hello, Mark. I truly appreciate your clarity in your work.
I've been seeing this guy for a month or so, and things had been going very well.
No one has ever been as nice to me as he is. This is super beautiful.
Uh, we are pretty much together, but I found myself waking up out of the blue.
If I don't hear from him for a day, should I communicate that I'd like him to at
least check in on me here and there. Don't want to sound needy, but
this is something I find important.
This is a really key question, Tiago, because this is the point where
particularly if you are a more anxious attachment style, you can start
to rely on a man for your security and start to want him to fulfill those needs for you.
That previously a month ago, you were single and doing for yourself.
And if you start relying on a man for all of your emotional states,
he's going to pull away. That's your business. It's nice to have a man there
to support you in that, but you still want to retain the ability to do that yourself.
So Tiago, here's what I do. I'm always saying, invest in people who invest in you.
So invest in him. You liked the guy, okay, push forward. Don't be scared to push
forward and text him to see how his day is going on those days.
There's nothing needy or wrong with texting someone you like, especially not someone
that you're seeing regularly, like you be open and honest with him.
Do it again tomorrow and then leave it, right. It's all about investment
for investment. So you're showing interest in him, but then he has to reciprocate that
interest too. And if you're finding that you're not getting that interest reciprocated, that's
when you can go and have a chat to him. So it's the why you come at the conversation.
Don't come at him by saying, "Hey, I want you to reassure me, Hey, I want to hear
from you every day."
The guy's are just going to go, not going to deal with this. But whereas if you've
been checking in on him and you've done it for a couple of days and then you leave
it and he's like, Oh, I didn't hear from you today and you go checking me to miss
some, like I love hearing from you. I love checking in on you.
He's much more likely to be open for that, right? Because you've put yourself
out there first, you've made the investment, you're not demanding
it from him. You're just expecting what you did to be reciprocated.
It's going to get what you want and it's going to come from a much better,
more secure place.
Final question is from Gozeli and Gozeli says, I have a question. I have a crush
on someone for about three years now. Oh, this guy's the only one I've ever felt
attracted to. He is attracted to me, but he only likes me physically.
He does not like my personality, but that is just an assumption deduction.
Right? I want to ask you whether is the following idea good or bad?
First time, first sex with him. I want to do it because if I don't know
I will spend the rest of my life wondering how it would be if we do it. And because I
don't believe I'll ever be attracted to someone so much.
Seriously, the first boy I've ever illusioned having sex with.
Reasons why I wouldn't do it - what if I am bad? I'm assuming in bed.
What if I break emotionally more than before? What if he was starting rumors
that I am bad in bed? Should I do it the one time standing?
Um, Gozeli I'm going to be serious with this because you do sound pretty young.
It's very important you don't do this. It's very important you don't do this because
you're not doing it for the right reasons. So Gozeli, there's a lot of infatuation
happening here. You're putting this guy up on a pedestal. You're thinking
he's this amazing quality guy when really what you should be qualifying a man on
or boy on his, what's he put into you? What's he invested into you?
Now, I don't know if it's just your insecurities talking, saying that
he's not into your personality or whether he's actually not into you, but
in either way, he hasn't invested into you and you want to be more attracted to men,
but train yourself to go after men who invest in you because these guys,
these men, boys that just make you feel amazing but don't actually invest is the
road map is the path to a life of unsatisfying one-way relationships
sleeping with him will make it 10 times worse. So do not go and sleep with him
here. Make sure you meet other boys, meet other men, and think about all
the things that he hasn't done for you to take away some of this illusion.
I promise you, have faith in my words, you will meet someone else who you feel just as
strongly for who will want to share that with you, sex with you, and who will be much more
invested in you. Promise you Gozeli. Good question. Thank you for sending it in. Well,
that's the video. Thank you for watching. Let me know your thoughts, comments,
questions for next week. Need more questions, so keep them coming.
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