- I got hit on today, you guys.
(audience cheers)
Thank you so much.
She still got it.
Can we agree gals
that sometimes it feels good to be hit on in public.
Sometimes you got a little outfit on, you're excited.
You're like, "Yeah, let him murder me.
It's cool."
(audience laughing)
Sometimes it feels good.
Sometimes it feels really bad.
I've got a new move for you for when it doesn't feel good.
This is foolproof, okay.
A guy's hitting on you,
you don't wanna talk to him,
you're walking down the street,
he hollers at you,
makes you take your little AirPod out or whatever the hell
and you just turn around and you go,
"Oh, I'm so sorry.
I don't have any change."
He will lose
(audience laughing)
his ******* mind, okay.
They hate it!
I've just started keeping pocket *******
in my back pocket.
I'm like, "That's all.
Just the flashlight today, sir.
Sorry for your loss."
God bless you.
I do like being hit on in California.
It's different than being hit on in the south.
I don't know if anybody's ever experienced that before.
They just kind of say whatever.
The last time that I got hit on in Tennessee,
I'm walking down the street in my hometown
this man in a truck pulls up, right?
He rolls down his window.
He did it like this 'cause it was the 1940s.
He rolls down his window and he just goes,
"****,
you have some stupid tities."
(audience laughing)
It's almost more mean than it is horny, don't you think?
"Look at those dumb *** tities.
I bet those tities had to study twice as hard
as the other tities in their class.
Look at those University of Phoenix DeVry *** tities
you got girl.
Bet those tities had to read with their finger
to sound it out."
I love being from the south.
I learn new things about Tennessee all the time.
I was on the phone with my mom the other day.
She told me something I didn't know.
She goes, "Laura, did you know
that Tennessee's state drink is milk?"
(audience laughing)
Is that the sickest ****
you've ever heard in your entire life?
(audience laughing)
I think the only thing funnier
than our state drink being milk
is that that was decreed in 2009.
(audience laughing)
Strike you as odd, we're in the midst
of the biggest financial crisis any of us will ever see.
We have our first Black president
in the Tennessee General Assembly, just like,
"Y'all know what I can't stop thinking about right now.
Shoot, just a big honking glass at 2%, okay.
On a hot summer's day, sticky."
(audience laughing)
I have a fantastic mother.
I talk to my mother every day.
Who's got a good mom out there?
(audience cheering and clapping)
All right, good for you.
Well adjusted crowd.
I love my mom so much.
I hope you guys don't get mad at me for this
or think I'm mean.
Good moms, best thing you can have
in your entire life, right?
They teach you your values, teach you right from wrong,
teach you how to treat people.
They are kind of desperate though.
Do you know what I mean?
That woman is obsessed with me, okay.
The way that your mom feels
when she sends you a text
is the way that you feel
when you text someone you wanna have sex with.
It's exactly the same feeling.
(audience laughing)
You just sit in the risky one
and put it down right away.
She's like, "Ah, hope she hits me back.
She's so cool."
(audience laughing)
10 minutes go by.
She's like, "She's probably texting other moms, ****.
Why wouldn't she be?
She's so hot!"
You get a good mom on the phone, forget about it.
You're never getting off the phone.
I've been on the phone with my mom for the past 85 years.
She's on hold right now.
At the end of a phone conversation,
my mom starts to sound like a comedian
who's having a bad set.
She's just like, "All right, what else?
What else?
(audience laughing)
Let's see.
What do I wanna talk about?
What's in the news?"
She's just flipping through a notebook.
It's just my name and heart's over and over again.
(audience laughing)
She's got her little legs kicked up behind her.
She's so horny for me it's insane.
That woman will say absolutely anything
to keep me on the phone.
The other day we were on an hour and nineteen
having a phone conversation.
I was like, "Mom, I have to go.
I have a life."
And she goes, "I'm pregnant.
(audience laughing)
It's yours, I'm keeping it."
Like, "What the hell?
You got a hysterectomy."
(audience laughing)
Thanks for laughing at my mom's hysterectomy.
She's doing well.
I've been trying to get a little better mentally this year.
I got medicated this past year, you guys.
(audience cheering and clapping)
Yeah, thank you so much.
I don't wanna do a whole PSA thing for you.
If you feel like you need an antidepressant, you do.
You are a burden to your family and friends.
They're tired of listening to you.
(audience laughing)
It's time.
It's been time.
It really did change my life.
It has absolutely saved my life.
I'm happier than I've ever been.
You deserve to be happy.
Do it for yourself if you need to, okay.
Thank you.
It is messing with my stomach
(audience laughing)
in a way that I can barely describe to you, okay?
I went to talk to my doctor about it
and she said to me, and I quote,
"Diarrhea is a small price to pay for happiness."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "That's beautiful.
Is that from something, wow.
You're a poet,
Robert Frost, Wal Shipman."
(audience laughing)
I've been doing a little bit better mentally.
You're not supposed to drink on antidepressants.
I'm a pretty big drinker.
It is not my fault that I chose a job
that you can be good at while you're drunk, okay.
I didn't make the rules about that.
There are only like three jobs like that.
It's like comedy,
working at a bowling alley,
and being a dad.
Those are the only three things.
(audience laughing)
Am I wrong?
You can have a pretty chill drunk dad.
Drunk moms do not have that luxury do they?
Drunk mom never looks good.
She's always swaying in the corner to a Billy Joel song.
She's like ughh.
Just accidentally ashing into her chardonnay.
You know what I mean?
She's always kissing your friends not on the mouth,
but like right ******* next to it.
You're like, "Oh, stay away from Kyle, mom!
I've seen the way you look at him!"
I read something interesting
about women's mental health recently.
I saw an article said that women
for their mental health need to ********** 25 times a month.
(audience cheering and laughing)
I was like, "All right, I'll try to cut back."
(audience laughing and clapping)
Bit of an overachiever.
I've been excited.
This past year really was one of the biggest in my life.
I got engaged last year.
(audience cheering and clapping)
The man that I've been with for eight years
asked me to marry him.
I'm so excited.
We've been having a lot of fun sex since.
Please give it up for me, you guys.
It's been good.
(audience cheering and clapping)
It's been good!
We've been getting kind of adventurous lately.
We've been using some toys in the bedroom.
Round of applause if you like a toy in here.
All right, she's sitting on a vibrator right now.
Look at you, you're gorgeous.
She's glowing.
I love it.
I've been with guys that don't like it, okay.
I think it could be kind of emasculating sometimes.
I was once using a vibrator during sex
with an ex-boyfriend and in the middle of it he just goes
"I just feel like you don't even need me here right now."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Here's the thing.
I absolutely ******* don't.
Of course I don't need you here right now."
Call me when your dick can do this ****.
Just so fast you can't even see it.
You know what I mean?
Like a freaking hummingbird.
Give me that hummingbird dick or get the hell out.
That's what I always say, okay.
Only lesbians and vibrators can do that, right girls?
You look beautiful.
(audience laughing)
I trust him very much.
I think that's the most important thing
in a relationship right?
To trust somebody.
I wanna ask the women in the room a question.
Guys, close your eyes for me for just one second.
(audience laughing)
Close them uptight.
We just stab them all in the neck.
I'm just kidding, okay.
(audience laughing)
Just fly off the stage like a vampire.
Gals, show of hands,
you ever made the mistake
of looking at a boyfriend's search history
on his phone or his computer?
There she is everyone.
No, I'm not pointing it good.
Okay, good.
A lot of crazy ******* in here.
I used to do this all the time.
Gals, I just wanna say
if you haven't done it,
don't fricking start now, okay.
You're never gonna find what you want in there.
It's never just gonna be like,
"I just love my sweet girlfriend so much."
(audience laughing)
"How to kiss my girlfriend better".
"Rebecca's eyes in the moonlight".
That's never gonna be it.
I once looked in an ex-boyfriend's search history
and his computer and I don't know how else to say this
so I'm just gonna say it.
This man had recently Googled the phrase,
"girls
licking ***
(audience laughing)
out west".
(audience laughing)
I don't know what the hell that means, okay.
All I know is that I can't provide it to him.
That's all I know.
A little old girl from Nashville, Tennessee.
What do I know about licking *** out west?
(audience laughing)
We can do missionary in a cornfield or some ****.
I'll give you a handy at Dollywood.