Our next performer is from Greensboro North Carolina
And studied psychology and neuroscience
With minors in creative writing
Medicine
Literature and culture at the University of North Carolina
At Chapel Hill
He pursues a greater understanding of
Mental illness
Among Asian-Americans
And among queer identifying folks
He himself
Identifies as living at the intersection of both
Along with grappling with how to finish
All of the literature in the world that he wants to
He strives to cook Korean food
As well as his halmoni did
Please welcome the winner of our ROAR story slam
Narrative category
David Choi
Hello
This piece is called
"Learning how to say I love you"
Hey sorry, I justed wanted to ask you
Do you speak Korean-American?
Yes I do
Wow um well
I was wondering if you could teach me how to say
I love you?
Woah
That's a loaded question
'Cause you see
A common personal struggle for many Korean-Americans
Is our relationship with our mother language
Your ability to speak Korean well
Is like a measure of your authenticity
How authentic are you?
As if Korean Americans are some trendy new dish
Like bulgogi nachos or kimchi quesadillas
I know that I crave those words
Oh? Hangulmal jalhane
Your koreans not bad
But it wasn't always like this you see
When I was little
My weh-halmoni would watch me at home
In our appointment in Michigan
In the winter, when the snow was up to my shoulders
She would make me warm sweet, red bean porridge
In the summer we'd wake up early together and make popsicles
Out of orange juice, ice cube trays and toothpicks
But back then these things were called
Dan pat jook
And
Orange juice ice cream
Because I only knew Korean my first language
Then when I started pre-k in a mostly white town
Learned to be ashamed of my Korean
I can't remember exactly what
I learned on that first day of school
But according to my mom
I came in announcing
No Korean!
I'm english
Don't speak Korean to me
But sure enough
I soon forgotten all of my Korean
Only understand some of what my parents said
I responded in english
When I got calls from my grandparents or family back in Korea
The conversations usually went like this
Yeoboseyo?
Neh?
Neh
Appa pick up the phone!
I realize that I learned
Most of my Korean-American
From conversation with my mom
Conversations that usually centered around food
When I was young
And I still had my face glued to video games
It would always be
David!
Hurry up and come eat
Now
When I was older
I would often forego dinner
Stay in my room study for the SATs
And preparing for college admissions
Later in the night
My mom would come up stairs carrying a tray
With a bowl of purple mixed grain rice
Reheated radish soup
Dried seaweed and kimchi
And then she'd say
Have you finished studying?
At least eat some while you work
Now as a college student living far away from home
I still get calls from my mom
Hesitantly she'll ask me
Have you eaten?
I don't tell her I'm skipping meals left and right
i don't tell her I'm surviving off of McDonalds and ramen
I don't tell her I miss the smell of
Her pouring earthy sesame oil onto sizzling hot frying pan
Full of spicy kimchi fried rice
With extra spam and sausage!
Just how I like it
It wasn't until recently
That I realize that all these words
Hurry up and eat
At least eat some
Have you eaten?
They all actually mean the same thing
I love you
But my Korean American is far from perfect
And we as Korean-Americans
Haven't yet learned how to talk about certain things
For instance, mental illness
I know too many Korean-Americans who have died by suicide
Too many friends and friends of friends
Living with anxiety and depression
Schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder
Despite the great depth and complexity
At the heart of Korean-American mental health
We have incredibly simple words to use to talk about it
They're hurting
They passed away
Just pray for them
I had to learn the word "jasal"
"Suicide" from a korean drama with english subtitles
I have yet to learn the Korean-American words for
Cognitive behavioral approaches
Family therapy
Fighting cultural stigma, recovery or healing
But I hope we all do so soon
Another thing that we Korean-Americans don't know how to talk about yet
Is homosexuality
In the conservative christian Korean-American community
Of North Carolina
We didn't even have vocabulary
To begin to understand queerness
Instead I learned about what a lot of Korean christian
Korea-Americans thought about queer people
It was the boys in youth group that said
They're favorite phrase
Dude that's so gay!
It was the [minister] that loved the sinner but hated the sin
It was the [Elder] that didn't think gays were natural
That they were ruining society
It was the [deacon] that were adamant that gay Koreans didn't exist
Homosexuality was a foreigners disease
Perhaps most
Convincingly with the most authority
It was the [Pastor] that simply said
They were all going to hell
Even outside the Korean-American church
Many Korean-American churches
Korean-American people just had one word to say
Filthy
On my 20th birthday a couple years ago
I invited my parents to eat dinner near my college campus
At a fancy Asian fusion restaurant
It was way too dark inside
Dimly lit with paper lanterns
And small candles
And everything was way over priced
My mom kept saying that she can make
Everything at home for half the cost
But despite all this
We splurged and we celebrated
After we finished our crispy kimchi potatoes
And reinvented bibimbap
My parents say across from me
Holding each others hands
Content
Part of me wanted to take that moment
and pray that it would last forever
But a bigger part of me knew
I couldn't go into the third decade of my life
Living a lie
Even though I didn't know enough Korean-American
To express everything that I wanted to say
I took a deep breath and said
I have something to tell you
I'm dropping out of the pre-med track
But I'm dropping out of the pre-med track
Because I can't handle the work load
And I can't handle the workload because
I'm severely depressed
I might need to drop out of school
I'm severely depressed
And I'm severely depressed because
Umma
Appa
I'm gay
My parents met the blows I dealt them
In the order they can handle
The confidence in their voices
Dwindled as they progressed
Looking from side to side
Uncomfortably they asked me in hushed tones
What are you going to do with your life
If you don't go to medical school?
And also
How do you know that you're depressed?
But when they got to the fact
Of my queerness
All that they had to say
With a grim look on their face
As they bit back their lip was
No comment
Slowly as time has progressed
And my understanding of my Korean-American identity has grown
I'm becoming more and more fluent in Korean-American
I know now that the words
I now know that the words American dream
Don't translate to doctor or lawyer
I learned the meaning of the words Korean-American dream
From a popular Korean song called Yanghwa Daegyo
The lyrics go
Haengbokhaja
Uri haengbokhaja
Apeuji malgo
My parents too a steadily growing accustomed
To their queer Korean-American son with a bipolar disorder
And they too have added new words to
Their Korean-American vocabulary
Such as
Partner
Queer
And
Have you taken your medication
Or literally translated
Have you eaten
Your medication
I have come to learn that all these words
Too, just mean the same thing
I love you
Thank you