Now, my mom is hotter than me,
and I'm not just saying that 'cause we did hook up.
I'm not trying to brag.
And I don't mean my mom was hotter than me
when she was my age.
No, no, no, no, no. I mean my mom is hotter than me
actively, right now, today.
When people hear that they're like, "What? No. What?"
And I'm like, "It's really simple."
Here's what happened. My mom met an ugly guy.
He had a house. She wanted it.
She fucked him.
Here I am.
Okay? The numbers do crunch,
And I used to resent my mom for being hotter than me,
until I realized,
oh, I can use my hot mom to my advantage,
because if I ever met a guy,
and maybe he wasn't that into me,
all I had to do is bring my mom around,
and set him down, and be like,
"Hey, you might not like what you see today.
Totally fair.
But if you put the time in...
this can be yours.
And I don't just mean I'm gonna become my mom.
I mean, in a few years, my dad will be dead,
and you can have her too.
We're a package deal. We do a breastfeeding thing.
all: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday-- ♪
- Are you prepared if you do get your period?
'Cause last time you came to town you called me at work,
"Mom, do you have any tampons?
Mom, where are the pads?"
So do you have some for Indiana?
- I don't. No. I honestly didn't expect--
- Are you supposed to get it? - Well, I only--
just 'cause my boobs feel big and sore.
- You're not pregnant are you? - No. I'm not pregnant.
- I saw the pregnancy test in the hotel.
- [laughs] You're so fuckin' nosy.
I knew the second I let you into my hotel room
that you were gonna see everything in there.
- So are you trying to keep me out?
- Did you have to dig around, or did you just see it?
- I went to the bathroom,
and I couldn't miss it in the garbage can.
- Why are you doing this?
- If you're having cycle problems,
it may indicate you could have a problem, you know?
- Well, maybe I'll get a handmaid.
- Boy, those give me a headache.
Watching those shows. They make me dizzy.
- Dad? - What?
- Mom just told me that I wasn't gonna be able
to have a baby. - You what?
- She told me that I wasn't gonna be able to have a baby.
- I don't know what she means.
- I need a volunteer, so I can go through your purse.
Sure, it may be a slight violation of your privacy.
Who cares? Okay. Let's see your purse.
Where are you from?
- Florida, but I moved here in March, so here.
- So you still have a lot of Florida on you.
- Yeah.
- When you spring break do you go to, like, school?
Delta Sky Mile. You travel a lot?
- A lot. - For what?
- Work. Fun. Wherever cheap tickets are.
- What does that mean about the ticket price
to the show tonight?
Oh, no. Do you have a heart condition?
- I went to an oxygen spa before I came here.
- Lost Angeles is ridiculous.
They'll just take our money in any way possible.
It's so sad.
Okay. What's your passcode?
- 0-8-9-6.
- Who's Anna Johnson? Whoever she is,
she's a good friend, 'cause she sends you
vegan pumpkin muffin recipes.
- That's me. I sent it to-- - Oh, my God. That's yourself!
I just want you to know I do the same thing too.