- He was like, "Fuck you, you fucking red head!"
and I lost it
my mind,
because guys, I do not have red hair, okay?
There's nothing wrong with red heads.
If you have red hair, good for you,
but nobody wants to fuck you,
and that's my point.
I don't have red hair.
(applause)
- Here's the show, it's very simple.
It's just a bunch of funny people,
who are all telling true stories.
This guy is absolutely hilarious.
My former roommate,
Mr. Steve Rannazzisi everybody.
(applause and cheering)
- How are you guys?
Sweet.
Everybody's drinking.
Drinking it up, nice.
Drunk.
Now, some of you might get drunk tonight.
Now, you know, look
there's different versions of yourself
when you're drunk.
Me?
I like to get the kind of drunk
where I'm still fun.
I might make a mistake, okay?
I might, like this past summer
I shit my shorts at a barbecue, okay.
I was very drunk.
It happens, I was laughing at my buddy's story,
and I just, you know, shit my shorts.
I stuck around, you got to
stick around the barbecue, you know.
Because I had a whole thing I was going to do
with a firework out of my cock,
but that's the fun version of me when I get drunk.
There is
a bad version.
Everyone's got that version where you're like,
"Oh, I didn't know I almost killed us all."
"I had no idea that almost happened."
I was really drunk one night,
and I was finishing up comedy,
and my girlfriend picked me up to drive me home.
So I'm like, "Babe, I'm starving."
"We got to stop, we got to get some food."
I'm sorry by, "Babe, I'm starving."
"We got to stop and get some food."
I mean I scream, "Fucking Wendy's!"
as we past the Wendy's going down Sunset Boulevard.
"Loop it, babe"
"Fucking uey!"
"Uey!"
I'm screaming uey at her, pull at uey.
She's just like, "Oh, this fucking neanderthal."
She pulls a uey,
and we get into the Wendy's drive-thru line.
Now, we are two cars away from placing our order,
and I'm going over it in my head, you know.
Junior bacon cheeseburger,
fries, frosty, five piece nuggets.
Junior bacon cheeseburger, fries, frosty
like Rain man.
Just you're going over your head,
I don't want to fuck this up.
Then all of a sudden, boom!
The lights go out, in the Wendy's fucking
drive-thru line.
They're closed.
You know when they shut down the light.
You're in line, and it's boop, you're done.
You can walk in on your girlfriend, or
your boyfriend blowing another person
on Valentine's day, and that would be a
distant second to the disappointment you feel.
Once you get into...
You're in the line!
I'm here already!
I'm fucking here, I did it!
No, no one's getting a frosty, nothing.
All you get is the exhaust fan blowing
the deliciousness into your car
that you will never receive.
That's all you're left with.
That and seven people behind you.
They know they're not getting food,
so now we're all getting out of our cars
trying to organize how the fuck
we're getting out of this line.
And now we're just talking to each other like,
"Anyone know what's open?"
We're like a yelp review.
Is there a Tai place that's open this late?
We finally back everyone out.
We organized the chaos, we drive out, and I'm like,
"Babe, I'm still fucking starving, I got to eat."
She goes, "No, we're going home."
I go, "No, we got to eat something."
We lived in an apartment building, right above Ralph's.
Ralph's is a grocery store, just like
every other grocery store in America,
except this Ralph's is located on Sunset Boulevard,
and it's open 24 hours a day.
Okay, so you can only imagine the kind of clientele
that goes into the Rock n' Roll Ralph's
on Sunset Boulevard at two o'clock
in the morning on a Saturday Night.
It looks like Burning Man fucked
Comic-con in this fucking place.
It's disgusting.
But I was like, "Babe, we need food!"
She's like, "Fine, we'll go to the Ralph's."
Pull into the Ralph's parking lot,
She goes, "Hey, just do me a favor."
"What ever you get, just grab me a lemonade."
I'm like, "Yup, no problem."
Get out out of the car, I'm just
pull my dick, just like showing her.
I'm like, "Look at this, babe."
"Look at my dick."
She's like, "What is wrong with you?"
I'm like, "Check this dick out."
In the parking lot of the Ralph's.
"You like this dick."
Through the window, we're not even conversing.
I'm walking into the Ralph's, right.
I'm still in the parking lot, walking through,
and as I'm like getting close to the front door,
a car just pulls up, like so close to my hip.
Like right here, and just beeps the horn
and goes, "Hey man, get the fuck out of the way."
I was like, "What the fuck did you say, you motherfuck..."
You know when you're drunk, you're like, "Fuck you."
"We're doing this?"
"We're going to fucking do it."
"Let's fucking do this, bro."
And now we're yelling at each other.
He's like, "Fuck you, you fucking red head."
And I lost
my mind,
because guys, I do not have red hair, okay?
There's nothing wrong with red heads,
if you have red hair good for you,
but nobody wants to fuck you,
and that's my point.
I don't have red hair.
Don't call me a red head, plus I got beef
with the Wendy's people, so that's still
a sore subject.
This guy is now, I'm like, "Fuck you, you motherfucker."
"Do you want to fucking go?"
I know, I'm not a fighter.
When it gets like too intense for me,
my move used to just be turn around,
and walk like George Jefferson away.
I just fucking...
I just left.
I walked into the Ralph's just
George Jefferson style.
Now, I walk into this Ralph's
I'm in the grocery store, and the first thing,
because you're like a neanderthal.
I'm like (sniffs) what is that?
I smell food, what is that fucking food that I smell,
that I need in my mouth right now?
It's a chicken in the bag.
You know that rotisserie chicken,
they put in...
I've never seen anyone put the chicken in there,
they're just always there, those chickens.
There's no box, there's no heating up.
It's the best two o'clock in the
morning food there is.
I just pick that chicken up.
I was like, "This is what I need."
Just go over, and I slop it down
on the fucking counter.
The juices are going down
the conveyor belt.
The guys doesn't even want to ring it up.
I was like, "Here's 20 bucks motherfucker."
"Give me back 18."
He's like, "That's not even the price, dude."
So I take my chicken in a bag,
I'm walking out, right.
I'm already fucking fingering this,
I'm separating the dark meat from the white meat.
I'm moving all the shit around,
just put it in my mouth.
I get in the car, fucking drop that bag
and I'm just like a big gorilla.
Just eating the chicken in the bag,
and my wife's like, "Hey, what happened to the lemonade?"
I was like, "Ahh!"
"Woo, babe."
"When life hands you lemons,"
"you got to go back into Ralph's"
"to get your own fucking lemonade,"
"because I forgot that shit."
She's like, "What an asshole."
She goes to drive out of the Ralph's parking lot.
We make a quick right, we live right above it, right?
Make a quick right, all of a sudden
a car cuts us off, boom.
Like t's us up, just like this.
I'm just, not even paying attention.
And she goes, "Oh, shit."
"I know..."
Then he comes driver's side to driver's side,
this car, and it was the car that
I got into the beef with at the Ralph's.
This guy pulls out a fucking gun,
and just goes into our window like this.
He goes, "Say you're sorry, motherfucker, huh?"
"You think it's funny now?"
"Say you're sorry."
And my wife's like, "What the fuck is going on?"
I didn't see any of this, because
I'm eating chicken out of a fucking bag.
Just shoveling it in my fat pie hole.
And she's like, "What the fuck is happening?"
"Say you're sorry."
I looked up, and look I'm not a gun guy.
I don't know guns, okay, I don't live in that world.
So, I just looked at it.
I was like, "What the fuck's going on here."
Right back to the chicken in the bag.
White meat, dark meat.
And this guy's just like, "What the..."
He's like, "Say you're sorry motherfucker."
"Say you're sorry."
Keeps screaming, and my wife's like,
"Say you're fucking sorry."
"What's wrong with you?"
"Say you're sorry."
And I don't know, guys, I'm not a gangster.
I don't know what came over me,
I just looked up from the bag,
and was like, "Baby, if he's going to shoot us,"
"he would have done it already."
"Goodfellas."
That's not even a line from fucking Goodfellas, okay.
I was so drunk, I was misquoting Goodfellas.
Well, this guy
he just recoiled the gun, pulls it back.
He's just like, "What the fuck?"
And he goes, "This is your lucky day,"
"motherfucker, you fucking red head."
and drives down the block,
and I was like, "What the fuck did he just say?"
I look over, and now my girlfriend is crying.
They're like welling up, you know when
they start to well up,
and I'm looking at her and I was like,
"Oh, man."
Now, I'm just slowing eating chicken in a bag.
I was like.
She just, without saying a word, she starts to drive
up to our apartment building.
It was like 100 feet away.
Pulls into the spot, and I'm like,
"Oh, I think I broke her."
"This is not good."
I'm eating the chicken in a bag,
she just looks at me, she's like,
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"How could you do that?"
"He had a gun to my fucking head."
"You big fucking,"
"fucking fire crotch."
"Fucking Rocky Dennis motherfucker."
"What is wrong with you, you fucking ginger."
And I was like, "Babe, what?"
"Is this about the lemonade?"
And we got married three years later guys.
Thank you guys very much.
Thank you guys.