(audience cheers)
You guys are great, man.
You guys—it's so good
to be here tonight.
It's good to be outta jail.
(audience laughing)
Don't judge me.
I'm the head of the prison
ministry at my church.
(audience laughing)
Oh man, I guess by now,
you guys know
I'm not from around here.
(audience laughing)
I was outside.
People were askin' me to
park their cars and stuff.
I was like, I got the keys to a Porsche.
Look at this, I'm comin' up.
(audience laughing)
Man, it's good to be here, it really is.
I wanna thank Dry Bar
for bringin' me here.
I wanna thank them for putting us up
so nicely at the Marriott where I have
a lovely view of the dumpster.
Thank you very much.
(audience laughing)
They spared no expense
on bringin' us in
this weekend from Atlanta.
Got me stayin' in
a handicapped man room.
Thank you, good lookin' out.
(audience laughing)
You ever been in that room?
Got the wide open door,
toilet on the floor,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Mirror comes up to here.
You come down here
to tie your tie, you know.
(audience laughing)
Good lookin' out.
Yep, wanna shout out to my wife,
my lovely wife, Sherry,
couldn't be with me.
She's a very spiritual woman.
Likes to put these spiritual messages
on my Facebook page
whenever I leave home, like,
"There's no temptation known to
"man, that God has not given
"you a manner of escape.
(audience laughing)
"Resist the devil.
"He will flee from you."
I'm like—I'm like Sherry,
who are these message for,
me or your friends?
(audience laughing)
"He who has an ear, let him hear."
I'm, okay, all right
and I knew that
social media was gonna
change for me once I got married.
I knew it.
I knew, as soon as my wife
made all of my Facebook friends
her Facebook friends,
oh I knew right then.
I knew it was gonna change.
(audience laughing)
My wife is—she's covert, all right.
She's gangster when it
comes to stuff like that.
You know what I mean?
She believes in that old adage,
keep your friends close
and your enemies closer.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
But really, nobody was
tryin' to get at me.
I mean, no women really
tryin' to hit on me
except for a couple of
the big girls, you know.
(audience laughing)
I know they were big girls
'cause they all had cute faces
and they crop the picture up to here.
You know what I'm sayin'?
You know what I'm talkin' about.
Hey, let it all hang out.
Then we'll know
what we're dealin' with.
(audience laughing)
So, man, I had to work out.
Man, workin' out—
are you guys in the gym?
Anybody in the gym?
(audience cheers)
All right, two people,
two people, very good.
(audience laughing)
We're healthy here, that's what I like.
No, I had to go work out
'cause you know,
my body was goin' all to pieces,
a piece o' cheesecake,
piece o' apple pie,
piece o' meatloaf.
(audience laughing)
You know, so I had to
join that 24-hour fitness.
You know what I'm talkin' about?
I didn't know you had
to be there for 24 hours before
you start seein' results though.
I didn't know that.
(audience laughing)
I don't care how much you work out,
at the end o' the day,
you still look like
the before picture, don't you?
(audience laughing)
Man, yeah, we're proud parents.
Proud parents in the house tonight?
We got some proud parents?
(audience cheers)
You ain't gotta be proud.
You can just me a parent.
You don't have to be proud.
(audience laughing)
I'm a proud parent.
I have a 25-year-old son.
He is suffering from allergies.
He is allergic to looking for a job.
(audience laughing)
We're gonna pray that
no-job demon away right now.
(audience laughing)
How many of y'all know
he'll be workin' by next month,
or lookin' for a new place
to live, one or the other.
(audience laughing)
If a man don't work, don't . . .
- [Man] Eat.
- Eat, one person knew that.
Okay, very good.
(audience laughing)
My Bible scholar,
right up front there, very good.
All right folks,
we're gonna get right into it.
You guys ready to have some fun?
(audience cheers)
(audience applauding)
Yeah yeah yeah,
it's what you came here for.
All right, all right, yeah yeah yeah.
You know, I don't work alone.
I don't work alone.
I got some friends with me
and well, basically,
everybody has a favorite uncle,
and I want you guys to meet mine.
So please, if you would,
put your hands together right now.
Start clappin', and give it up
for Uncle Rufus.
Uncle Rufus, come on, big hand.
(audience applauding)
- Hey, this is all right.
Okay, great.
This means cut.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, wow, look at this.
- Mm hm.
- I ain't seen this many
white people since my trial.
(audience laughing)
Boy, if somethin'
go down, we in trouble.
- No no, Uncle Rufus,
these people are nice people.
- Black lives matter.
(audience laughing)
Puppets too.
- Uncle Rufus, what were
you doing in the suitcase?
- I'm waiting to exhale.
(audience laughing)
You know, I got asthma.
(wheezing)
You don't care about me.
- I do care about you.
Just sit up here, it's okay.
Do you know where we are?
- Do I look like MapQuest to you?
(audience laughing)
Every time I get outta the suitcase,
we in a different city.
- Uncle Rufus, we gotta travel.
- Huh?
- People pay good money to see us.
- Oh, they pay good money to see us.
- That's right.
- Well, how come I can't
see none o' that good money?
(audience laughing)
I know what it is.
- You know what it is.
- Yeah, I come from the old school.
- The old school.
- Yeah, that's the school they had
before they built the new school.
(audience laughing)
Some o' these promoters,
they want to make money off of ya.
- Yeah.
- But, they don't want
to offer ya no money.
(audience laughing)
- Well, you must be
living on a fixed income.
- No, I'm dyin' on a broke one.
(audience laughing)
- Well, you better
pay your bills on time.
- Well, they oughta might not
get paid when they due,
but they due when they get paid.
(audience laughing)
I just, you know,
I just wanna tell y'all . . .
- Uh huh.
- I'm glad y'all payin' attention.
(audience laughing)
I just wanna tell y'all . . .
- Mm hm.
- I forgot what I was gonna tell y'all.
(audience laughing)
- That happens sometimes.
- Yeah, how many are y'all
are goin' to church in here?
Y'all, y'all, y'all . . .
(audience cheers)
(audience applauding)
Okay, well Christians ain't perfect.
That's what I want to say.
Christians ain't perfect.
- Uh huh.
- We just forgiven.
- All right, I like that. That's profound.
- Yeah yeah, Christians ain't perfect.
- Yeah.
- We just forgiven.
- Mm hm, well what
would make you say that?
- Well, I was in Las Vegas
about a couple weeks ago.
- Uh huh.
- And I seen some
Christians at the casino.
- Well, how do you know?
- I saw the church bus
parked out front.
(audience laughing)
- Well, what was you doin' there?
- I went in there to get
them folks up outta there.
(audience laughing)
Messed around, I got caught up
on the slot machine myself.
See, that's what sin'll do to you, see?
- Uh huh.
- It'll wrap its ugly arms around.
- Yeah.
- Engulf you.
- Uh huh.
- Bring ya down. He'll bring ya down.
Won't he do it?
I'm so glad that we got faith.
- Faith?
- Yeah.
- If we got faith.
- If you got faith . . .
- Uh huh.
- The size of a jar of mustard.
(audience laughing)
Well, I got to get outta here.
I had a good time wit y'all,
and I gotta get to
the senior citizen's center.
- Uh huh.
- The women is fittin' to
chase me in the wheelchairs
(audience laughing)
and I'm a let 'em catch me.
(audience laughing)
We havin' Bible study tonight
and I'm the lesson leader.
We're in the book of P-salms.
(audience laughing)
That's between
Genesis and Revolutions.
(audience laughing)
Study to show yourself approved,
a workman need not be ashamed,
rightly dividing the word o' truth.
My name is Uncle Rufus.
- Would y'all give it up
for Uncle Rufus right here?
(audience cheers)
(audience applauding)
You guys havin' a good time?
(audience cheers)
All right, all right, all right.
Keep it goin', keep it goin',
keep it goin' for Uncle Rufus.
Keep it goin' for Uncle Rufus, yeah.
(audience cheers)
(audience applauding)
Yeah, yeah,
He's . . .
He's really—
he's really my father.
He's really my father.
That's who he is.
He's my—he's my dad.
The character's gotta
come from somewhere.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
My dad was just totally impossible,
you know, at the end.
He was just totally
impossible, but yeah.
We we're all prayin'.
Just say a prayer tonight
for Uncle Rufus, if you would.
A silent prayer, please.
(audience laughing)
It would mean a lot comin'
from Provo, I'm tellin' you.
(audience laughing)
Believe me, believe me, believe me.
You too, the Bible scholar
up front, make sure you . . .
just take one knee, if you could.
(audience laughing)
God bless you, brother,
God bless you.
All right, folks, we're gonna keep
the show rollin' right along.
You havin' fun.
So look, I'm gonna bring out the guy
who's been workin'
with me the longest.
He's been all over the road,
all over the world.
We travel. He's been on
a lot of TV shows,
"BET," "Showtime at the Apollo,"
"America's Most Wanted, "Cops,"
(audience laughing)
"Government Beat Down,"
"Housewives of—"
He does all the shows. He don't care.
Put your hands together right now
and give it up for Woody,
big hand for Woody, come on.
(upbeat music)
(audience cheers)
(audience applauding)
- Hey hey, that's funky.
(audience laughing)
I like that song.
I would dance,
but my legs are messed up.
(audience laughing)
Had a accident.
Doctor gave me six months to live.
I ain't had no money,
so he gave me six more months.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
They'll work with you nowadays.
You know what I'm sayin'?
(audience laughing)
Don't laugh. I can't talk.
(audience laughing)
- Don't talk while I'm laughin'.
- You ain't that good.
(audience laughing)
(Woody laughing)
Now y'all give it up for my
grandmama, she's 80 years old.
- All right.
- Yeah, she's, yeah yeah.
(audience applauding)
- That's good, yeah.
- Yeah, she walks a mile per day.
- What?
- Yeah, she been walkin' a mile a day
for the last 30 days.
- Mm hm.
- And now
- Yeah.
- We don't know where she is.
(audience laughing)
If y'all see my grandmama
out here in Provo,
call us 'cause we hungry.
(audience laughing)
(Woody laughing)
I'm tryin' to tell ya.
Man, this is all right.
I'm havin' a ball with these people.
I wish I could stay out here.
I tried to tell ya.
I really wanna get outta that
suitcase a lot more often.
You know what I'm sayin'.
Anybody here that live
in a suitcase before?
(audience laughing)
You ever lived out of a suitcase?
Okay, all right, well, the questions
get harder from here, okay.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, we gotta get outside o' the
four walls o' the church.
Wouldn't you agree?
- Oh yeah, oh yeah.
That's why I like to go to church
with my white brothers and sisters,
'cause y'all don't stay
in church that long.
(audience laughing)
You got stuff to do.
You live your life on the
outside of the church.
You have a personal
relationship with God.
You walkin' through church
talkin' to God.
How are you doing, God?
I'm fine, I'm blessed.
I don't need anything.
God, bless yourself.
Ladeedadee, ladeedadeeda...
(audience laughing)
I'm off to the slope.
- Well, what about us?
- Not us.
- Not us?
- Not us.
Take—we be in church for
two or three days at a time,
prayin' for the same stuff
we already prayed for.
That's why I like to go to church
with my good white
brothers and sisters.
They sing the songs.
They get in and out.
(audience laughing)
♪ Oh happy day, oh happy day ♪
♪ It was a happy day—♪
that's it. They home, they happy.
(audience laughing)
They watchin' the Utah Jazz.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Well, what about us?
- Not us.
- Not us?
- Not us.
Take us two hours to
get to the first lyric.
(audience laughing)
♪ Oh ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Happy day-ay-ay-eeeeeeeeee ♪
(audience cheers)
(audience applauding)
♪ Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh happy day-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
Woo! Then they mix it
with Michael Jackson.
♪ Oh why, why, tell them ♪
♪ that it's human nature ♪
♪ Why, why does it do me that way ♪
♪ If it's why, why, ♪
♪ da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Why, why, does he do me that way ♪
♪ I like livin' this way ♪
♪ Da na na na na na na na ♪
♪ da na na na na na na na ♪
♪ That way, doo little oo, that way ♪
♪ Doo, when Jesus, yeah ♪
(audience cheers)
(audience applauding)
Yeah.
(audience cheers)
What's goin' on?
- Well, my phone. I'm gonna see,
somebody's callin'.
Let me see who it is. Hello.
- [Caller] Hello.
- Hello.
- [Caller] Hello, how you doin'?
- Hey, what's up?
- [Caller] Y'all woody there?
- Woody?
- [Caller] Yeah.
- Woody, it's for you.
- Huh?
- It's for you.
- Tell him I'm not here.
(audience laughing)
- Huh?
- Tell him I'm not here.
- Woody said he's not here.
(audience laughing)
- Hater.
- Well, you talk to him.
- Who is this?
- I don't know, man, talk to him.
- Hello.
- [Caller] Hello, Woody.
- Yeah.
- [Caller] Lend me $20.
(audience laughing)
- I can't hear you.
(audience laughing)
You need to try the
other ear or somethin'.
- Well, try the other ear then.
- Who is this?
- I don't know man, talk to him.
- [Caller] Yeah, Woody. Lend me $50.
(audience laughing)
- I know I can't hear you now.
(audience laughing)
You need to go back to the $20 ear.
(audience laughing)
- Oh man, oh man.
- Yeah, you guys, they all been out to
the Disney California
adventure theme park?
Any of y'all been there?
(audience applauding)
Yeah.
- It's nice.
- I know what the theme is.
- What?
- Let's break 'em.
(audience laughing)
Look, I went out.
I took my niece and nephew, right?
They charged us $3,000 for two days
at the amusement park.
- Mm hm.
- I was not amused.
(audience laughing)
They're chargin' kids like adults.
- What?
- Mickey oughta
be ashamed o' hisself
(audience laughing)
and the kids are yellin' and screamin',
"We want Mickey."
I was like, me too.
(audience laughing)
- You know they only have
one Mickey in the whole park.
Do you guys know that?
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I'm thinkin' for $3,000 . . .
- Mm hm.
- They need to issue each family their
own personal Mickey at the gate.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheers)
(audience applauding)
You pay your money.
Here's your Mickey.
(audience laughing)
Your kids need somethin'
to eat, let Mickey get it.
(audience laughing)
Your kids gotta go to the
bathroom, let Mickey take 'em.
(audience laughing)
You left somethin' in the car,
make Mickey get it.
Make Mickey earn his keep.
Oh man, I was waitin' for Mickey.
The kids couldn't see him.
I said, you wanna see
Mickey this weekend.
We waited at his house.
I had a block o' government cheese.
I said, he'll be here.
(audience laughing)
I was stalkin' Mickey.
- Man, this is a beautiful city here.
We wish we could
stay here longer, man.
You guys have—
you got a beautiful city.
- Yeah, man, and a lotta traffic.
- Mm hm. I don't know why.
- I do.
- What?
- Too many old folk don't know
where they're goin'.
(audience laughing)
Out there messin' up
traffic for us young folk.
We got stuff to do.
They're out there doin'
10 miles per hour
in a 25 mile per hour zone,
stoppin' on green, goin' on red,
(audience laughing)
givin' the left turn signal,
turnin' right,
(audience laughing)
backin' up off the exits.
(audience laughing)
I seen some o' y'all.
You know who y'are.
(audience laughing)
How ya doin', sir?
You havin' a good time?
You wanna take me home wit ya?
- [Man] I'd feed you.
- Oh, we'd get along great then.
I appreciate that, good, God bless ya.
Can I borrow $10 till tomorrow?
I'm just kiddin'.
You guys are great.
You guys are awesome.
- My name is Willie Brown.
This is woody.
- We love you guys.
Hope to see you again.
- And on behalf of Woody
and Uncle Rufus,
God bless you all, all right.
Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
(audience cheers)