- YOU ARE HERE ON A GOOD DAY.
YOU KNOW HOW EVERY YEAR THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL
HAS SHARK WEEK?
IT'S BIG, BIG RATINGS FOR THEM. EVERYBODY LOVES IT.
A FEW YEARS AGO,
I DECIDED I SHOULD HAVE MY OWN WEEK
TO HONOR MY FAVORITE ANIMAL,
AND IT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE A YEAR,
AND IT'S STARTING RIGHT NOW.
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF CAT WEEK.
[cheers and applause]
[rousing fanfare]
[man meows]
[cheers and applause]
SO EXCITED, I CAN'T TELL YOU.
IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF CAT WEEK.
IT'S COLUMBUS DAY.
OF COURSE, COLUMBUS DAY
WAS CREATED BY PRESIDENT HARRISON
TO CELEBRATE THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA.
I CAME UP WITH CAT WEEK
AFTER I ACCIDENTALLY MIXED PRESCRIPTION PAIN-KILLERS
AND A 5-HOUR ENERGY.
[laughter]
THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.
FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO THANK
OUR RETURNING SPONSOR OF THE WEEK.
IT'S--CAT WEEK IS SPONSORED BY LITTER GENIE.
[harp glissandos]
[applause]
[harp glissandos]
OH, I-- THAT'S--
THANK YOU. THAT'S PLENTY, THANK YOU.
I LOVE THEM FOR MAKING CAT WEEK POSSIBLE.
LITTER GENIE HELPS YOU LOCK LITTER AND ODOR AWAY
IN THREE SIMPLE STEPS.
IT'S THE ULTIMATE HASSLE-FREE SOLUTION
FOR CONTROLLING LITTER ODORS.
AND LITTER GENIE-- THE LITTER IS SO CLEAN
IT'S ACTUALLY EDIBLE.
[laughter]
[audience exclaims]
OH, OH, I'M SORRY.
I'M BEING TOLD THAT IT'S NOT EDIBLE.
IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I SAID,
SO I AM SO SORRY.
- [mouthing words]
- OKAY.
AND WE CAN'T KICK OFF CAT WEEK
WITHOUT LOOKING AT A FEW NEW CAT VIDEOS.
HERE IS A CAT TRYING TO PLAY JENGA.
NOW, YOU WOULD THINK THAT THAT WOULD BE
A VERY DIFFICULT GAME FOR A CAT TO PLAY.
JENGA'S VERY-- FOR PEOPLE, IT'S HARD.
OH, THAT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
THAT LOOKS VERY PRECARIOUS RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S THE ONE?
OH, THAT SEEMS REALLY RISKY.
CLEARLY THIS CAT KNOWS WHAT IT'S DOING.
AH.
[cheers and applause]
CAT PLAYING JENGA.
THEY CAN PLAY JENGA.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE ALSO GOOD AT,
IS CONNECT FUR...
[laughter]
AND TRIVIAL PURR-SUIT.
THOSE ARE CAT WEEK JOKES. I HAVE TO DO 'EM BY LAW.
[cheers and applause]
MANDATORY.
AND THIS IS A CAT--
IT LEARNED HOW TO OPEN A DOOR,
SO THE OWNERS CAME UP WITH WHAT THEY THOUGHT
WAS A CLEVER SOLUTION TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM.
THEY PUT SOME WATER IN FRONT OF THE DOOR,
'CAUSE CATS USUALLY HATE WATER.
LOOK HOW SMART THIS CAT IS.
KNOWS THERE'S WATER IN THERE.
WANTS TO GET IN THAT DOOR.
[audience exclaims]
NOPE, COULDN'T MAKE IT.
DIDN'T WANT TO GO STRAIGHT DOWN.
LOOK AT THAT.
GETS RIGHT IN THERE.
[cheers and applause]
OBVIOUSLY THAT'S THE ROOM WHERE THEY KEEP THE JENGA,
AND THE CAT WANTED TO GET IN ONE MORE ROUND OF IT.
AND FINALLY, HERE'S A WOMAN--
SHE SET UP A CAMERA TO FILM HERSELF DOING YOGA
AND IN AN INTERESTING WAY,
BUT ANYWAY, HER CAT FOUND THE CAMERA.
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
DON'T LOOK AT HER. SHE'S DOING YOGA.
DON'T LOOK AT HER.
[laughter and applause]
[laughter]
PLEASE JOIN ME ALL WEEK FOR MORE CAT WEEK FUN,
AND JOIN ME NOW FOR OUR FIRST CAT WEEK DANCE.