-Welcome to "The Tonight Show." My name is Jimmy Fallon.
Hi. Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, after months of speculation,
Joe Biden finally made the announcement
we've all been waiting for.
-We're coming on the air with breaking news.
Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden
has made his choice. NBC News has confirmed
that Biden has picked California Senator Kamala Harris
to be his running mate, the first woman of color
in history to be chosen for such a position.
-That's right, Joe Biden has selected
Senator Kamala Harris as his running mate.
Kamala is the daughter of two immigrants,
she went to Howard University, she's a Democratic senator
from California.
It's an inspiring story, unless you're Trump.
Then it's a Stephen King novel.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, in a statement, Kamala said,
"I'm very much looking forward to serving as President --
Vice -- Vice President! I mean, Vice President."
Biden announced his selection in a tweet and called Kamala
"a fearless fighter for the little guy."
And Dr. Fauci was like, "Thank you."
[ Laughter ]
She's only had the job for a few hours,
but Kamala's already gearing up for her debate with Mike Pence.
That's why she spent the entire day
arguing with a mannequin at Kohl's.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Kamala Harris has been chosen by Joe Biden
as his running mate and potential vice president.
Biden was quick to hold a virtual press conference
to discuss his decision,
and people were very excited to talk about it.
Take a look.
-Hey, folks, thanks four for joining me
on your Zoom boxes.
I'm sure you're all buzzing like a honey pot
to talk about Kamala.
You know, I'm thrilled to announce her as my running mate
and can't wait for all the excitement
and experience she brings to the team.
But before I -- -Mr. Vice President,
what are Kamala's plans for the country
once she gets into the White House?
-Well, uh... Kamala and I will work together,
hand in hand, in the White House
to restore the soul of this nation.
-Mr. Vice President, how does it feel
to be reaching this exciting moment in your campaign?
Kamala Harris, wow. -Well, you know, I thought
we were running a pretty exciting campaign before this,
but -- -That's all.
-Okay. -Excuse me, Mr. Biden?
I have a foreign-policy question.
-Yeah, now we're talkin'. -Has Kamala asked about me?
-Asked about you? No.
How is that a foreign-policy question?
-Oh, I was just hoping to take a trip with her.
-All right, come on. -Vice President Biden,
when you are the president... -Thank you.
-...I think Kamala Harris is amazing and inspiring.
-Is that a question?
-I think Kamala Harris is amazing and inspiring?
-Okay. -Is Kamala nice in person?
-Geez. Yes, she's very, very nice.
-Knew it. You can just tell.
Very kind eyes.
-I have a question, mister -- mister...
Oh, my God. What was your name again?
-Joe Biden. -Of course -- Jim.
My question is, is Kamala here?
-No, she's not. -Aww!
-But I can send a link to her virtual speech in the chat.
-Yay!
-All right. Does anyone have a question
that is not about Kamala Harris?
-I do. -Great. Shoot.
-How is Barack Obama doing? -Seriously?
-And follow-up question -- Do you think you would ever
want to be the Vice President again?
Maybe, like, next? -Okay, th-th-that's enough.
I'm excited to have Kamala running beside me
in this campaign, and we will work together,
with me as the president
and Kamala Harris as the vice president.
And that's how it's going to go, okay?
Okay.
-Madam President! Madam President!
-I -- I think you're confused, Jack.
-No, I'm just practicing. -But -- It's --
This is -- I know people are excited about Kamala.
-Yay!
-Biden.
Kamala. -Yay!
-All right, heck, I'm almost taking this personal here.
Listen, at the end of the day,
I suppose old Joe should take it as a compliment.
I believe in this woman,
even if she handed me my rear at the debates.
And together, we can accomplish anything.
Thank you all for coming.
I do have to go.
I am late for another engagement.
Thank you all for coming.
[ Clicking ]
How do you get off this thing? [ Clicking continues ]
Ah, hell.
-Well, that was interesting.
Well, guys, here's some big news.
It was announced today that there's a new vaccine
to treat the coronavirus. Sort of.
-Breaking news this morning -- Vladimir Putin claiming
Russia has developed and approved
the world's first coronavirus vaccine,
a claim that is being met with heavy skepticism,
despite Putin announcing his own daughter
is among the first to receive a dose.
-That's right. Russia now claims
to have a coronavirus vaccine, which is great.
'Cause if there's one thing I know about Russia,
they never lie about drug tests.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, no.
Vladimir Putin defended the new vaccine.
He was like, "Don't worry.
Just like upcoming U.S. election,
results are totally legitimate. [ Laughs ]
That's right, the new COVID vaccine
has been approved by four out of five Russian scientists.
And in a related story,
one out of five Russian scientists are now missing.
[ Laughter ]
-"What did you say?"
That's right -- over the course
of just under two months, the vaccine was tested
on a couple dozen people, some even willingly.
[ Laughter ]
Just to prove it safe, Putin said that one of his daughters
actually got the vaccine.
I don't know much about his family,
but I know that that kid is definitely his "Don Jr."
[ Laughter ]
Maybe the vaccine will work.
So far, the only side effects are
depression, hunger, and chills.
Although, in Putin's defense, that's how everyone walked in
before the vaccine, so...
[ Laughter ]
In his announcement, Putin said, quote,
"It works effectively enough."
[ Laughter ]
That's like your doctor saying, "I got most of the ringworm.
Yeah, well -- we'll be fine."
When asked about the vaccine,
the U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services
said, "The point is not to be first."
And Trump was like, "Yeah, yeah, great.
A vaccine on my desk by lunch or you're fired."
Speaking of the President, last night, at the White House,
he tried to talk about the 1918 pandemic,
and he was a little off on his history.
Watch this.
-The closest thing is, in 1917, they say -- right? --
the great -- the great pandemic certainly was a terrible thing.
Probably ended the second World War.
All the soldiers were sick.
[ Laughter ] -Aw, come on.
-Not too bad. He was only off by two decades.
What's the big deal? What, what, what?
"Congratulations. It's a baby boy.
And he can vote." [ Laughter ]
Trump's basically like the baseball coach
who subs in when the history teacher gets sick.
[ Laughter ]
"All right, World War II is, uh..."
Let's just put on a movie. You guys like "Sandlot"?
[ Laughter ]
But Trump was like, "Those who cannot remember the past
are condemned to retweet it."
At this point, Trump's teleprompter
is just a shrug emoji. [ Laughter ]
Then Trump said, "And I believe the war ended
when President Truman uttered his famous words,
'It is what it is.'" [ Laughter ]
-Meanwhile, Trump is thinking about a move
that would affect Americans who traveled abroad.
Check this out.
-The Trump administration is now reportedly considering
a new rule that could block American citizens
and permanent residents from returning to the country
if they are suspected of having coronavirus.
-That's like if Pinterest said, "Sorry. No more wedding stuff."
[ Laughter ]
Seriously. That's like Walmart saying,
Nobody's allowed inside with a barbed-wire tattoo."
[ Laughter ]
That's like a Motel 6 saying, "Look, we don't want
anyone in here with bedbugs, okay?"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, but schools and college football are fine.
It's Bob and Doreen coming home from Toronto that's the problem.
[ Laughter ]
And this is interesting. It's only August, but check out
what's already showing up in stores.
-We're still in summer, but Halloween candy displays
have arrived even earlier this year.
-Why do we even need Halloween this year?
Every day, we're walking around in a mask, completely terrified.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, the good news is, now you can walk in
to any pharmacy and get Halloween candy.
The bad news is, still no Clorox wipes.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, CVS employees are carrying Christmas trees like,
"You guys still talking about Halloween?"
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this -- a new study shows that using mouthwash
could reduce the risk of contracting coronavirus.
Study might be good news, although now it feels like
we're one press conference away
from Trump telling us to inject Scope.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, this is pretty crazy.
A professional stuntman decided to propose to his girlfriend
after lighting himself on fire.
Take a look at this thing.
Wow. [ Laughter ]
And just to mess with him, she was like,
"Mm, let me think about it for a sec."
[ Laughter ]
I'm kidding. She said yes,
and then things took a turn when he jumped up and hugged her.
[ Laughter ]
No, no, it was cute right up until she ran off
with the fireman who saved that guy's life.