Why the 80/20 Rule of Contacting a Man will likely Make You LOSE Him, listen up, this is important.
Hey, it’s Renee here, author of thefemininewoman.com and co founder of shen wade media,
where we teach you how to show up as a high value, high status woman whom easily inspires a deep
sense of emotional commitment from men.
Lately, in our Facebook group, there's been a lot of advice given around from women, and
one of these pieces of advice is to let a man initiate contact with you 80% of the time,
and you initiate contact with him 20% of the time.
I know this advice has become more common for women to follow, but I advise against this
and I will explain why in this video.
This advice is usually given from women in the group in response to questions along the
lines of, "Should I initiate contact with a man?"
Some women take this rule further, claiming that they never initiate with a man, and they
don't only use this rule in the dating stages, but also continue to use it in the stage of
a committed relationship.
I guess the rule seems innocent enough, doesn't it?
Seems like reasonable advice?
Until you actually think about it deeper.
[The 80/20 rule is a poor attempt at manufacturing romantic love]
Look, I understand that as women, we intuitively feel that it's better for us if a man is doing
the majority of the pursuing and the initiating.
Why?
Because we intuitively know that when men are in love, they naturally take initiative
with us and want to pursue us.
However, you CANNOT manufacture this pursuing or initiative taking from a man with an 80/20 rule.
You cannot try to make a man fall in love with you by initiating only 20 times out of 100,
or 2 times out of 10.
It does not work that way.
And here's why...
It’s because if you are not a man's one and only woman, you are the one of many woman,
no matter what you do.
When men meet you, it usually doesn't take long for them to categorise you into the one
of many basket or the one and only basket.
You also cannot force a man to be in love with you, nor force him to see you as the
one and only with some silly 80/20 rule, which is actually a rule appropriated from other
areas of life (where, by the way, it is much more relevant.)
[Men falling in love with you requires 50/50 attunement]
See, I want you to understand this.
In order for the process of "falling in love" to actually occur, two people have to be hyper-attuned
to each other.
The moment you step outside of hyper-attunement, then this emotionally driven process stalls.
So most decent, high value single men who are looking for a relationship with a real woman,
will not be able to fall in love with you, nor stay with you and court you if you
use the 80/20 rule, because these men are intuitively looking for attunement,
rather than blindly chasing tail.
...And true attunement looks much more like 50/50 than 80/20.
By the way, I’ve made a video you can watch on the 5 Unusual Signs He is Madly In Love with You
and you can watch that here.
Ok, back to my point.
When a woman tries to stick to 80/20, you'd find that most high value men are not stupid
and will walk away fast, assuming that the woman is just not interested or worse, that
she’s playing "mind games".
The smart men with many options will move on, there's no doubt about it.
I was speaking to my husband about this topic, and here were his thoughts.
If a man were to chase 80% of the way and the woman only gives 20% back, then that would
be a sign that she's not nearly as interested.
A hyper-attuned man would take that as a huge sign to back OFF.
He may think she's playing mind games, or intentionally trying to play "hard to get"
at the COST of the existing connection and attraction that he is already trying to establish.
It's like playing tennis with someone and they only hit the ball back to you once every...
let's say 5 times.
It's a little difficult to start a rally that way, wouldn't you agree?
See, smart men are looking for attunement when it comes to love because intuitively
they know attunement is the basis of any real connection and love.
Otherwise, it's just mind games in order to manipulate the other for one's own gain.
Not so smart men will chase and fall for almost anything.
Don't get me wrong, there are lots of "not so smart" men out there.
There are lots of men who will try and hold onto anything they can get their hands on.
However a relationship that didn't grow out of the process of falling in love (ie: emotional
attraction and emotional connection) will inevitably have a short lifespan.
So if a woman deliberately puts in far less effort towards creating connections, playfulness
and interactions with him, a smart and high value man will move on, realising that
she is not that keen, nor worth the effort.
(...Especially when there are other high value women around him who are displaying more natural
interest, vulnerability, and attunement.)
If you want men to truly be in love with you and want to be the kind of woman that men
WANT to invest in, then be real.
Don't base your actions on a rigid, boring, silly and inappropriate rule like the 80/20 rule.
Something like the 80/20 rule can (and will) leave a woman completely un-attuned to a man.
At the end of the day, this rule is not about him.
It's not about the attraction or the relationship, it's about you and your need for control.
[Your emotions have to be revealed to a man if you are going to have a real relationship]
If, as a woman, you're severely stuck in anxiousness, I understand that an 80/20 rule may make you
feel more in control and less anxious.
But it's one thing to process and deal with your anxiety, it's another entirely to avoid
it in dating and relationship situations by using the 80/20 rule.
At the end of the day, if you feel anxiety and worry, if you feel ANY emotion that you
may consider ugly, a man can and will be seeing it in you no matter what.
That's part of building deeper, more trusting and sacred relationships.
A man has to at some point find out everything about you - the emotions you habitually go to -
and he's going to have to see you vulnerable.
Something like the 80/20 rule distracts you from that process and tries to hold it off
for a while, avoiding risk and vulnerability.
[The 80/20 rule creates distance, not connection]
Not only that, but the 80/20 rule manufactures
more distance between you and a man than actual connection.
This is the kind of distance that is more about your mistrust of men and humans than
it is about the rawness of life.
Sure, you don't want to get so close, so soon that it turns a man off or takes so much value
that you begin to show up low value.
However, you also don't want to create so much emotional distance that you come across
as low investment, fearful, and unnatural.
Is it really that difficult to appreciate that men aren't the only ones who need to
invest in a relationship?
Just because they are men, doesn't mean they are not also human.
Just because they are men, doesn't mean they are not also vulnerable.
Just because we are women and have been hurt before, or because we fear abandonment inside,
doesn't give us the right to place out-of-touch rules upon all the men we date.
Following this 80/20 rule doesn't make you any more high value for your relationship
in the long term, because it's not about connection or attraction, it's about control/certainty.
Nothing wrong with wanting to create a feeling of certainty within your life, but you have
to do it in resourceful ways, not just with 80/20 rules which will never help you nourish
an actual HUMAN relationship with a man.
Ultimately, we have to accept that human relationships lead you to feel out of control.
Real, authentic human connection is never controlled.
Remember that dating men, and relationships with men isn't just about avoiding risk and
about certainty.
Life is naturally uncertain and out of control.
I understand that sometimes it feels like we are living in a terrible era with online dating.
Men and women are ghosting each other, and seeing or talking to multiple men/women.
However, that doesn't change how important it is that you show up the right way.
It doesn't matter how much you want to "be in the feminine role" or get "the most masculine man"
out there, often the most feminine, high value women are the ones who show up the most
spontaneous and yielding.
By the way, here is a video that my husband made on the 3 Reasons Why Women Should Initiate
in Online Dating.
And I will link to his article on this topic in the description below.
Ultimately, what I want you to appreciate is that following the 80/20 rule just avoids
you having to deal with the real underlying problem - which is actually a fear of abandonment,
a fear of making mistakes, a fear of being too vulnerable, and a fear of the risks involved
with getting to know a man and emotionally calibrating yourself to the relationship.
See, if you're an attuned person, you'd KNOW how much to text or contact a man,
and you would not base your reaching out to him on some "rule" - but based on value.
You'll know when you're taking too much value with your contacting him if you get out of yourself,
care about the relationship and you care about him.
Honestly, I don’t know who appropriated the 80/20 rule to the dating and relationships world,
but the rule has been incorrectly and ignorantly taken from industries such as the
diet, business and goal-oriented industries.
The 80/20 rule or Pareto's principle has been around for a long time in different aspects
of life, but this is not a place for it.
No matter how hard you want to resist, at some point, you'll have to force yourself
to become attuned to a man, and better that you do that earlier rather than later, when
you've already lost him (due to being completely out of touch with HIM and being totally in
touch with inappropriate rules).
So, do yourself a favour: be resourceful enough to put your energy in the right places.
Focus on showing up as his one and only woman, because if you're not the one and only,
then you're one of many.
I've made a free dvd titled "Becoming His One & Only".
It's free, no strings attached, so you have no reason to not order it, dive into it, and
begin understanding what truly gets men to fall in love with you and commit to you for life.
To get your hands on that, just head to www.bhoodvd.com.
Ok, look after yourself and I’ll see you next time.