Listen, if you’re going to put a kart racer on a Nintendo system, it’d better be good.
And you’d better have some brilliant idea that sets it apart from other kart racers,
specifically that one that has defined racing on every Nintendo platform since the formation
of the Russian Federation.
Anything less than that, and no one is going to care.
That’s why you’ve probably never heard of Face Racers.
Of course, for a game no one cares about, Face Racers: Photo Finish actually has an
impressive list of accolades.
It has one of the worst box covers since Karnaaj Rally, it’s one of the few third-party games
to actually use one of the 3DS hardware features and...it was the very first kart racer released
for the system.
Quite the promising start.
Too bad it stalls out immediately afterward.
Face Racers: Photo Finish is a kart racer with one hook—you put your face in the game.
You’re prompted to take four photos of yourself with the 3DS, each one for a different emotion.
Those photos are then pasted onto the face of a kart racer...who evidently was faceless
beforehand.
Then, you race.
Against three people.
I’ve played and even covered Nintendo systems for a long time, so I’ve come across plenty
of Mario Kart clones.
Some have been fun, some not so much.
But this...this is legitimately the worst kart racer I think I’ve ever played.
In fact, I’m not even sure where to begin, so we’ll just...we’ll start with, you
know, the visible stuff.
I realize this comparison is often used as an exaggeration for ugly games, but Face Racers
legit looks a Nintendo 64 game.
In fact, Diddy Kong Racing?
Sharper looking today than this game.
Face Racers coasts on every idea that has ever come before it from a design perspective,
so you have all the typical kart levels...without any of the charm or character.
It’s almost like this game had a checklist during development.
We need a beach, a forest, a volcano and some snow.
Doesn’t matter how levels the actually play, as long as they are designed around those
painfully general concepts.
And that’s another area where this game really disappoints.
The track layouts are almost thoughtlessly put together.
Unlike a Mario Kart title, in which the tracks evolve and progress throughout a cup, they
stay unremittingly boring in Face Racers.
There aren’t any fun passages or cool obstacles...there’s just really dull and thoughtless racing.
Oh, but your face is on the character.
And it beat Mario Kart to retail, so...you know, the first 3DS kart racer!
As you might expect, the game mechanics are even worse.
It’s slow, you can’t even powerslide—but you know what?
There’s no sense kicking a dead horse here.
There’s four player multiplayer, but you probably won’t care.
There are 20 courses, but they’re all slow.
And you can take the game online, but there’s no **** way anyone else is playing this game
online.
Face Racers is a game that exists for one purpose—to occupy the bottom shelf at the
game store.
The one only the cheapest parents even know is there.
Mario Kart 7 costs almost twice as much as Face Racers: Photo Finish, but in this case,
you really do get what you pay for.