Are you autistic or just an introvert?
At first glance, lots of traits of introversion
and autism seem to overlap,
like tending to prefer your own company,
not being very social,
perhaps a tendency to do your own thing
and spend lots of time alone, away from the world.
So in this video,
I'll share five questions that you can ask yourself
to help you figure out if you're autistic
or an introvert or maybe both.
Hi everyone, Paul Micallef here
from Autism from the Inside.
I make weekly videos sharing the human side of autism,
so make sure you hit subscribe to get the latest content.
So according to the theory,
we're all somewhere on the scale
from extreme introversion to extreme extroversion.
Of course, real life is more complicated than that
and we probably have some traits of both,
but either way,
we can expect a very large percentage of the population,
probably of the order of 50%,
to identify as an introvert.
Conversely, we know that less than 5% of the population
are autistic.
So clearly there are a lot of introverts out there
who are not autistic and that kind of makes sense.
Most of us are somewhere in the middle
in terms of introversion and extroversion,
but what about the extreme end?
Can you be an extreme introvert
without necessarily being autistic?
It's probably worth mentioning
that since autism is a neurological difference,
then if you're an extreme anything
compared to the majority of the population,
then that's already potentially an indication
that you might be autistic,
but we know that introverts are not necessarily autistic
and in fact, there are lots of autistic extroverts as well.
So how can we tell the difference
between extreme introversion and autism?
The first question to ask yourself is,
why do you like spending time alone?
By itself, preferring your own company
is not a sign of autism at all.
It's extremely common.
Lots of people like spending time by themselves.
So if you tend to like activities
that you can do by yourself like reading or gardening
or writing or drawing or any number of other things
that you tend to do by yourself,
none of these are any indication that you might be autistic.
They're more like a preference
for a certain type of activity.
So the question is, why do you like spending time alone?
Is it because there are lots of things you like to do
and they happen to be by yourself
and you happen to find them really relaxing and recharging
or is it because you find people stressful?
A lot of autistic people
have some version of social anxiety,
whether it's overthinking social interactions,
trying to prepare in advance, maybe with scripted replies
or by wanting to know every detail
of what's likely to happen.
When you feel like you're just a bit different
from other people, it can be hard to find ways to connect.
It can be hard to fit in,
hard to do what everyone else is doing
and above all, really stressful,
taking a lot of energy to try to fit in,
to try to participate in mainstream society.
So a lot of the time,
the reason many autistic people prefer to spend time alone
is because being alone is safe.
You don't need to worry about what other people think,
whereas going out into the world
with all of these crazy, unpredictable people,
that's scary, that's stressful,
that doesn't feel safe or relaxing at all.
In other words, the reason I'm isolating myself
is not just because I enjoy reading or gardening,
but because I find the outside world openly hostile.
So question number one,
why do you like spending time alone?
Is it a preference for a certain type of activities
that you find pleasurable
or is it because you have a general sense
that the outside world is stressful and dangerous?
And so the effort of putting on a mask
so you can go out and try and fit in
is too difficult and too stressful
so you'd prefer to just stay at home
where you can relax and feel safe.
Question number two is,
how much effort do you have to put in
to maintain your relationships?
The introverted stereotype
is someone who doesn't have that many friends,
but he's probably fairly close
with the one or two friends they have.
You probably have a handful of long-term relationships,
maybe in your family, for example,
and you're probably not that interested
in just going out and meeting people
for the sake of meeting people.
So the question here is a little bit similar
to the first one.
What is the reason for not having a large number of friends?
Is it because relationships are really difficult
or is it that you're just not that interested
in making new friends for the sake of new friends
when you're actually already reasonably satisfied
with the relationships you've already got?
If you've never struggled to maintain relationships
or be understood by the people around you,
that's a pretty strong sign you're probably not autistic.
I've met quite a few people who are extremely introverted,
but they don't have a problem going out into the world,
interacting with people on a superficial basis,
like small talk or getting along with colleagues
or having these kinds of acquaintance-level,
nice, polite relationships.
It's just that they're reasonably happy
with the one or two close friends they've already got.
In fact, for some people,
having polite small talk with a stranger
is a lot easier than trying to show up and be vulnerable
and make a real connection with this person.
Whereas it's a common autistic trait to want more friends,
wish you had deeper, more nourishing long-term relationships
and to want to skip all that small talk
and superficial stuff and actually jump straight
to connecting with a real person.
So you can see that the result
might be having not that many friends.
There may even be an aversion to going out
and trying to make new friends
because it's really difficult,
but the underlying reason behind it can be quite different.
So the second question to ask yourself
is are you happy and satisfied with your relationships
even if you don't have that many friends?
The third question to ask yourself to help figure out
if you're autistic or just introverted
is around your sensory profile.
Do you have an atypical sensory profile
or are you more or less happy with most environments
most of the time?
We all have sensory preferences.
Everyone has some things in life that they prefer not to do.
Lots of people don't like wearing a tie
or high heels or makeup, for example,
but it's much less common to dislike shopping centers
because they're too loud or bright or noisy.
Similarly, do you find that most foods are okay?
Or do you really struggle to find anything palatable
even at a nice restaurant?
For a lot of autistic people,
one of the reasons that we often isolate
is because when I can control my own environment,
I can make sure that I'm okay.
As soon as I leave the house,
as soon as I go into a public space,
then suddenly I have to deal with a sensory world,
an environment that was created for your average person.
And it's likely to be too loud or smelly
or overstimulating in some way.
So if your sensory and environment preferences
don't fall too far out of the norm
of what people would expect,
that's a fairly strong sign that you might not be autistic.
Having some degree of sensory sensitivity
or maybe insensitivity that gets in the way
of everyday life,
especially when you're trying to be out in a public space
that was designed for your average person
is an extremely common autistic trait.
I'm not sure I know an autistic person
who doesn't have some degree of significant challenge
with a sensory issue.
So question number three,
do you have atypical sensory preferences?
So question number four,
do you find it difficult to regulate your emotions
or do you feel mostly okay most of the time,
especially when you're by yourself?
Most autistic people will have some degree of challenge
around regulating our own emotions.
Now, if I have strategies that are working for me,
then I may not necessarily perceive it as a challenge.
For example, instead of saying,
oh, I have an issue regulating my focus
and attention and energy,
instead, I'll just say,
oh, I just need to have a pen in my hand at all times.
It's just really helpful for me to pay attention
and things like that.
So stimming, for example, is an incredibly common,
even if there are lots and lots of different ways to stim,
trying to regulate our own emotions and focus and attention
through some kind of physical activity is extremely common.
Emotional dysregulation is also a common side effect
of having extreme sensory hyper-reactivity.
If I have to push myself through staying
in a sensory unfriendly environment, like a shopping center,
then I will build up all of this energy and tension
in my body that I then need to regulate at a later time.
This is one of the reasons why a lot of people
describe autism as playing life on hard mode,
because it costs a lot in terms of strategies
and emotional regulation,
just to go to the supermarket and come home.
And again, this is one of the reasons
that a lot of us tend to spend a lot of time at home
and isolate ourselves from the world,
because the environment at home,
the strategies that I can employ at home by myself
are much more comfortable, much more pleasant
than trying to get by in the outside world.
So if you enjoy your time at home by yourself,
you don't often get emotionally unregulated.
You can go out into the world and participate in society
relatively easily, as much as you want
or as much as you need.
And coming home to spend time by yourself
is a nice little treat,
like watching your favorite TV series
or having a really good night's sleep,
then maybe you're not autistic,
because a more common autistic experience
is feeling as though the outside world is quite hostile
and that to stay out in it requires a lot of energy
to push through and coming home isn't just nice,
it's the safe place.
You've finally made it to safety, finally relax,
finally let your guard down
and desperately try and recharge
and build up your energy again
so that you can go out
and face that big dangerous world tomorrow.
This is why autistic burnout is so common,
because if life is on hard mode,
then even the everyday things can take a lot of energy.
Whereas if you're introverted and not autistic,
then chances are, so long as you get enough downtime,
enough time alone to recharge,
then going out and interacting with the world
is probably gonna be fine for you.
So question number four,
does it feel like a constant battle
to stay emotionally regulated
or are you mostly okay most of the time in most situations?
So question number five
is around your own personal identification with the group.
Do you feel like you belong with your peers
or have you always felt like an outsider,
always felt different,
like there's something that means you're not gonna fit in?
It's entirely possible to be a shy, quiet version of normal,
more or less the same as everyone else,
just talking less and not being very outgoing.
Now, sometimes being shy can lead you to be by yourself
and left out of a group,
but the autistic experience is another level entirely.
It's not uncommon for autistic people to ask questions like,
am I an alien?
Am I the same species?
Am I on the wrong planet?
Why do I feel so different to the other kids around me?
Being included at all
often requires a lot of effort to try and fit in.
It's not just a matter of being more outgoing
or reaching out for connection.
We've probably tried both of those things
and ended up with rejection every time.
I'm not left out and end up playing by myself
because I'm quiet and prefer my own company.
I end up alone playing by myself
because I'm left out and excluded from the group.
Very early in my own autism discovery journey,
I remember reading a story by John Elder Robison,
where he was recounting his own childhood
and noted that the psychologist would say things,
looking at the outside,
things like, Johnny doesn't like to play
with the other kids.
And he was looking back on that, revising the story,
saying, Johnny would love to play with the other kids.
All the other kids are really mean to Johnny.
Johnny is gonna play by himself instead.
It's got nothing to do with being quiet
or preferring your own company.
A lot of autistic people end up alone
either through outright rejection and exclusion
or because it's just easier
than trying to navigate a complex social space.
So if you haven't experienced
a high degree of rejection and exclusion,
especially in school where social dynamics
are a lot less kind and considered,
then that's probably more evidence
that you might not be autistic.
Of course, introverts can also experience rejection
and bullying, but this repeated experience
again and again in different situations
tends to be a pretty common hallmark
of the autistic experience.
So there we have it, five questions
that you can ask yourself to help figure out
if you're autistic or introverted or maybe both.
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So I hope this has been helpful for you
and I'll see you again next week.
Bye.