-Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Guys, before we get started,
does anyone here want to be Speaker of the House?
[ Laughter and cheers ]
Yep, as of tonight's taping, it's been three days and
nine votes, and we still don't have a Speaker of the House.
[ Laughter ]
Before today's vote, C-SPAN was like,
"We swear this is not a rerun."
[ Laughter ]
Right now, Kevin McCarthy is so embarrassed, he went up to
George Santos and said, "Help me create a new identity."
[ Laughter ]
McCarthy has lost nine times.
It is brutal. I mean, there's a reason why
you only get three strikes in baseball.
I mean, it's just hard to watch.
Nine? That's a lot. That's somewhere between
COVID variants and "Yellowstone" spin-offs.
Nine. Nine.
And get this -- I read that some Democrats and Republicans are
considering a deal for a speaker both parties can get behind.
-Ooh. -So congratulations to our new
Speaker of the House, "Top Gun: Maverick."
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's a good movie.
Meanwhile, McCarthy is now in the negotiation phase
where he's making a bunch of concessions with the Republicans
who are against him, and one of those concessions is
a change to the rules that would make it easier to remove him.
[ Laughter ]
You know it's bad when the only way you can get hired is
if you promise to get fired, you know what I'm saying?
'Course, with everything going on in Washington, it's been
a busy week for news anchors, and I think they need a break.
I mean, check out this clip of
Andrea Mitchell on MSNBC earlier today.
-After a night spent offering big concessions
to the never-Kevins, at the risk of alienating
some of his original supporters in the Republican caucus --
[ Gags ] Excuse me.
[ Laughter ]
-Hey! Hey!
Wow.
[ Rim shot ]
[ Laughter ]
-And then, for the first time in TV history,
a news anchor coughed up a hair ball.
[ Laughter ]
That's the sound you make when the doctors checks if you have
strep throat, you know what I'm saying?
That's the sound your ketchup bottle makes
when you try to squeeze out the last drop.
[ Laughter ]
The closed captioning just said... --
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Congress spent a third day voting for
a new Speaker of the House, and after so many rounds, I feel
bad for the people who have to keep reading all the names of
the representatives to get their vote.
-[ Scoffs ] You know what? Don't feel bad. It's easy.
-I'm just saying it's tedious.
And some of the names are hard to pronounce.
-Not when you're a professional announcer like me.
Go ahead, test me.
-Okay, I guess I can. I'll test you real quick.
Who's this?
-Okay, easy.
Jheri Curl.
-Alright.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, who's this?
-Come on. Barry Manilow. Come on.
[ Laughter ]
Give me some harder ones. Rapid-fire me.
-Okay. Here we go. Who's this?
-Okay. David Schwimmer.
[ Laughter ]
Rihanna.
Lady Macbeth.
Bad Salmon.
Chips Ahoy.
[ Laughter ]
Frank Stallone.
Ah-ah-ah-choo.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, it's Scott Delivery, it's DiGiorno.
[ Laughter ]
Ah-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na.
[ Cheers and applause ] Na-na-na-na-nah.
♪ Lyrical gangster ♪
[ Applause ]
Nice Blunt Rotation.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, Yank Johnson.
Menage a Trois in Greece.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, Vicious Sharts. Ooh.
And Liar.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you very much. Steve Higgins, a professional.
Steve Higgins, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Everyone is weighing in on this.
Today, Elon Musk tweeted, "Kevin McCarthy should be Speaker."
[ Laughter ]
It makes sense 'cause Kevin McCarthy is a lot like a Tesla.
He was on the road to his destination and then
suddenly veered off course.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, President Biden is staying out of
the Speaker drama, calling it embarrassing but saying,
"That's not my problem."
[ Laughter ]
Then he added...
[ Applause ]
Biden then added...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then he added...
[ Cheers and applause ]
At which point Biden just posted the Kermit drinking tea meme.
There you go. That's interesting.
[ Applause ]
Everybody's talking about this.
In his forthcoming book, Prince Harry claims that Prince William
once knocked him to the floor during an argument about Meghan.
[ Audience oohs ]
Apparently the fight happened at the Buckingham Waffle Palace.
[ Laughter ]
It's fun when royals fight
'cause they keep their pinkies out.
[ Laughter ]
Harry was shocked because usually when they fight,
they just stand back and tell their butlers what to do.
"Now, perhaps a knee to the groin."
[ Laughter ]
"Choke him out, Jeeves."
[ Laughter ]
Harry also writes in his new book that before
he married Meghan, William and Kate were religious viewers
of her show "Suits."
I feel like I believed everything Prince Harry said
until just now.
[ Laughter ]
I don't think even the stars of "Suits"
were religious viewers of "Suits."
[ Laughter ]
Well, some movie news -- "Avatar: The Way of Water" has
officially passed "Top Gun: Maverick"
to become the number-one movie of 2022.
It is a huge, huge hit.
It made us wonder, what would other classic movies look like
if they took place underwater?
Check this out.
[ Burbling ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-There you go. That's it.
Pretty good. I'd watch that.
Well, listen to this -- I heard that people on TikTok are
claiming that a great way to beat the flu is
by sleeping with potato slices in your socks.
There's a lot of questionable medical advice online,
and depending on where you look,
you get pretty different answers.
For instance, for the flu, TikTok says...
Facebook says...
WebMD says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up, for a cold, TikTok says...
Twitter says...
WebMD says...
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, for COVID, TikTok says...
Truth Social says...
And WebMD says...
I think just call a real doctor.
Guys, I read about a new COVID variant
that has some people worried.
It's called XBB.1.5.
I guess they couldn't think of a catchier name.
And it actually inspired me to write a tiny song.
Roots? ♪♪
♪ There was Alpha, then Delta ♪
♪ Then Omicron next ♪
♪ But this latest variant might be the best ♪
♪ It's XBB.1.5 ♪
♪ Another brand of COVID-19 has arrived ♪
♪ It's a new strain ♪
♪ But it isn't the same ♪
♪ Sounds more like Elon Musk's kid's name ♪
♪ It's XBB.1.5 ♪
♪ Not UB40, who sings "Red Red Wine" ♪
♪ Put on your mask when you're inside a facility ♪
♪ It could be a robot from a "Star Wars" trilogy ♪
♪ It's XBB.1.5 ♪
♪ Not OMG or MP3 or TCBY ♪
♪ Or an eye chart made by a really high guy ♪
♪ Sounds like the password of your parents' Wi-Fi ♪
♪ It's XBB.1.5 ♪
♪ XBB.1.5 ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
That's the most applause I've gotten in five years.
-Wow. -Unbelievable.
Switching gears, a big consumer electronics show just kicked off
in Las Vegas, and there are so many new products on display,
including a self-driving stroller that's powered
by artificial intelligence.
[ Laughter ]
The only question is, will it be
a billion-dollar lawsuit or a trillion-dollar lawsuit?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, the commercial says,
"Order one now before we all get arrested."
But don't worry. It comes with an override button
in case your baby needs to take control of the stroller.
[ Laughter ]
Another interesting product being unveiled is
the high-tech, snore-silencing pillow.
[ Laughter ]
Although that's any pillow if you hold it against
someone's face long enough, you know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ]
A pillow that stops you from snoring, which has got to be
the most passive-aggressive gift of all time.
[ Laughter ]
Stop.
And finally, a 19-year-old just travelled nearly 2,000 miles
from Maine to Florida on a unicycle.
[ Audience oohs ]
And much like his wheel,
it's a pretty safe bet that he's single. Yeah.